so my boyfriend and I went out last night and I got pretty drunk and of course, I tried having sex with him. but he completely refused. I told him that he has my consent and that I enjoy having drunk sex but he denied and said it’s against the ‘code’.. is this common?

25 comments

  1. For some of us it gets pounded into our heads that having sex with a drunk person is rape no matter what they are saying in the moment. I struggle with it too sometimes. If it’s something you actually want then the best thing to do is sit him down and have a conversation about it while you’re sober.

  2. I don’t like drunk sex at all. It also feels very weird to have the “consent” from someone who is CLEARLY intoxicated.

  3. different strokes for different folks. i love inebriated sex with my wife

  4. The code when translated basically says “A Drunken Yes is a No”. It’s to keep dudes on the safer side because even though she consented to it, if she says she didn’t want to consent to it when she sobers up after the act, then you can be held liable for SA. It’s a better safe than sorry kinda thing

  5. Intoxicated sex needs to be discussed while all parties are sober. Talk about it with him before it comes up again, then maybe try getting tipsy with him at home and doing some sexual stuff there to get your feet wet. It’s completely reasonable and responsible for him not to want to have sex with a drunk person without explicitly negotiating that beforehand.

  6. I get it. Never being worried within my Long term relationship but I’m literally any other situation it it’s definitely a no. Not to worried because her and I both love drunk sex and it’s always being consent before and during drinking.

  7. I wouldn’t have drunken sex with my alcoholic wife because it wasn’t fun and she wouldn’t reciprocate. I think this case is different but still sex with someone under the influence when you’re sober isn’t that great.

  9. Was it possible you were past your limit? My partner will tell me no if I’m too drunk or sleepy and will cuddle me instead.

  10. Honestly, everyone is right on with this one. Even in a relationship, drunken sexual activity should be discussed and boundaries should be made clear. As someone who has been accused of assault by a girlfriend, I can confirm he was just being safe

  13. >I enjoy having drunk sex

    Maybe he doesnt.
    In my case a drunken partner is kinda gross and clumsy (i mean really drunk, not just a couple of drinks)

  15. I’m not sure if it’s “common” but it is absolutely right. Let me be clear, you’re not in the wrong for enjoying drunk sex, but it’s also very reasonable for your bf to be uncomfortable with it. Legally, a drunk person is incapable of consent. Maybe when you’re both sober, you can have a discussion with him. Maybe he changes his mind if you explain your wants while sober, maybe it’s still a hard no for him. It’s to cover his own ass but it protects you, too.

  16. My best friend husband refuses it have sex with her when she’s drunk. He believes that if she’s drunk, he does not have her consent. She’s even bagged him to have sex with her while she’s drunk and he still won’t. They have been married for 6 years.

  17. It sounds like maybe the two of you haven’t been going out for very long, or have not discussed this while sober. Its important for boundaries to be discussed explicitly while everyone is sober, and that those boundaries be respected when people are tipsy/drunk.

    Drunk sex is risky sex, and like all risky sex it takes a lot of trust.

  18. That just means he’s a good person. Hold on to him. If you like sex that much then it’s an easy choice between sex and alcohol.

    Here’s an example:

    In the movie Austin Powers, his girlfriend is drunk and kissing him all over. This girl is super horny and wants the fuck. But Austin says, “I can’t darling. You’re drunk. It’s not right.”

    The horniest man in the entire world knows it’s wrong and refused to cross the line.

  19. I’ve got a lot of childhood trauma when it comes to intoxication. When my gf is drunk it’s pretty hard for me to get turned on because of all the issues with my past and my general regard for drunk people as less than a person. Not in like a derogatory way, but more in a sense that their mental faculties are not operating normally. So to me, establishing consent is dicey at best. And I don’t want to mess with that when it comes to consent.

  20. Actually, it’s pretty smart. Legally acquiring consent for sex from someone drunk or under the influence of drugs can be challenged as legal consent. In the time of “me too,” it should be understandable that such a situation might make someone cautious. You likely should have a conversation prior to your starting your evening drinking where you let him know sober that you expect to get drunk and want to have sex with him drunk or not. These things can get complicated.

  21. Honestly I think highly of him for it! Not a lot of guys have that compassion.

  22. For me drunk sex was always fine when both my partner and I were on the same level. But having sex with a drunk person is much different. They usually smell different, taste different, act different.

  23. He just might be a keeper. Yes to discuss when sober, but accecpt if je still says no. That’s called integrity.

  24. Just because you enjoy it, doesn’t mean he does. It’s not all about you .

  25. Not common but I don’t blame him… especially how things are going these days.

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