I (20 F) have a friend (22 F and first generation US immigrant) who is getting an arranged marriage against her will. Her family is super conservative, wishing for her to marry a man who is around 27-28 years old in the next two years (possibly sooner) due to the fact her father’s health is rapidly declining. Her whole family has argued strongly against her pleas of marrying so soon, stating that she is selfish and an asshole for not following her dad’s wishes. The dad has not shown any support to my friend and has stated that marrying her off ensures that she “will be protected after he passes away.”
My friend has never had a good relationship with her parents her whole life. Her dad was the main reason that she was a sheltered child growing up (and he still is overly protective—he obsessively checks over her text messages every day), and because of this, she has life experiences comparable to a middle schooler (little to none). She is merely following these wishes out of guilt. In prior conversations I had with her before this incident, she always stated that she has never wanted marriage or children, so I know this is something she desperately does not want.
She currently has a lot of ambitions in her life— wishing to go to med school, get her own job, independence, etc. — and becoming married to this man will most definitely hinder these plans and cut off all her freedom. I have asked her if she is willing to cut out her family to escape this situation, but she states that this is not an option she wants because she does not want to cut off ties with her father. However, she has applied to numerous jobs to help gain some financial independence. So far, she has ranted about this whole situation to me because of I am the nearest friend to her, but I am not sure what I can do or say to support her in this process. I am not that extremely close to this friend due to the fact I only met her last spring semester in college but I am still very much concerned about her well being. I come
from a similar background from her, being a first-generation immigrant myself, but I have never seen such spontaneous family decisions like this.
I would really appreciate any advice on this matter because I am a bit shocked on this situation myself, and it is possible that these marriage plans will happen more sooner than later.
TLDR: friend is getting arranged marriage and I am not sure how to support her
5 comments
Im sorry that must really suck for your friend. The best thing you can do is listen to her right now.
Honestly, at this point, I would just listen to her. You can’t force her to take the necessary actions to prevent this arranged marriage from happening. You can direct her to therapy. Unfortunately, your friend is going to have to take the first step in preventing this.
What you can do is to listen to her and ask if she would like help in any way.
If she does, you can
1) recommend that she talks to a lawyer. You can do some preemptive research for her and have some names and contact details prepared for her. Usually you can find lawyers who give one free consultation (in the hope of gaining clients) through a google search and then she can compare the advice from a few to see what her options are.
2) recommend that she contacts a support organization. There are many volunteer / NGO’s who specializing in helping girls in these kinds of situations. You can be preemptive here to by looking up if you can find any in your near or country.
These NGO’s might also have some information for you on how you can support her in the best way.
Seduce the dude and then break his heart.
But in reality there isn’t anything you can really do
Ask her to meet you for lunch. Take her to a decent lawyer instead. Pay the consutation fee. One who claims to deal with trafficking cases or similar. Ask them what steps she should take to protect herself. Take notes then give them to her.
Nor much else you can do except call her every few days and ask what you can do for her today.