My wife and I are helping my daughter shop for prom dresses, and we are on totally different pages. My wife is the conservative one – she’s on the hunt for a very unrevealing dress, “classic” as she would say (“matronly” as my daughter would say).
I understand the hesitation, but I am fine with my daughter wearing something more revealing/modern. She’s a good kid, understands that there are appropriate dresses for certain events. I just think she should be free to wear something in line with modern fashion, even if it shows more than my wife would like. (This also came up in swimsuit shopping for spring break.)
However, I don’t want to take my daughter’s side vs my wife! Trying to tiptoe that line.
Advice is welcome!
34 comments
You are opposite of my husband and I. I allowed our daughter to purchase what she wanted…it is yellow with flowers, from the waist to the chest it’s sheer and has a sweetheart neckline. I think it’s her. Because I know how she leans in regards to clothing, my husband kind of backed off.
Perhaps your wife and daughter can meet in the middle?
She can wear a modern style without letting it all hang out so to speak. Modern doesn’t automatically equate to revealing. There’s your compromise. Discuss in private with your wife then approach daughter as a United front.
Talk about it with your wife when your daughter isn’t around, explain what you did here about her behavior/understanding and let her know that you want your daughter to be fully able to enjoy the event instead of being unhappy with her dress. Do it ahead of time and more than once if needed but definitely not in front of your daughter – it might make your wife feel defensive if you’re siding with daughter in the moment
I’m assuming she’s 17 ish? She’s at the point where your wife needs to start letting go.
I would tell your wife there’s a school dress code for a reason. If the school says it’s all right she should be able to wear it. They’re not going to let kids come half naked. Give her however much she can spend and the school prom rules and let her pick a dress. This is a good test to see who she’s going to be when she goes off into the world in the next year or two.
Out of curiosity did she wear something fashionable or old fashioned at her prom?
Perhaps talk to your wife away from your daughter. Voice your opinion and suggest coming to a compromise. Perhaps no low cut top but a slit in the dress or an open back is okay (or whatever is cool these days and still fits the dress code for prom lol).
Argue for your daughters position to your wife privately but present a united front to your daughter.
Or avoid the issue altogether by feigning ignorance of fashion.
There’s definitely a balance! I tend to dress pretty conservatively, but I branched out a bit for my wedding dress. It is a little lower cut, and it has an open back, but the lowest cut part of it has some sheer material so it’s not super obvious.
I tend to have a hard time walking that line of wanting to dress pretty modestly (by choice and comfort) but also wanting to be hip and fashionable. I tend to wear lower cut things occasionally, often tight-fitting clothes, and some crop tops… it’s very possible to dress modestly and in a modern way, your wife just can’t be super strict lol.
Also, try looking on Azazie. It’s a website for all kinds of beautiful dresses like that. They’re beautiful and affordable! I’ve ordered a bridesmaid dress and my wedding dress on there and was very pleased each time.
You and your wife need to have a conversation about your daughter and her choices and your trust.
Did you both raise her right in how you believe? Has she shown in her choices that she will choose to do the right thing or what you both would hope she would choose in her situation? Do you two trust her? Has she a case you shouldn’t trust her?
Instead of pushing her into a choice that isn’t her’s you should lean back and give her space to lean into you two. Let her choose the dress but follow up with if there is any, and I mean anything that happens and she needs help with then you two will not judge her or punish but run and get her and help her.
Its scary but you have been a good parent and you need to trust you have done the right thing
I think the first place to start is, what kinda dresses is your daughter looking at? Has she showed any to you two? You mention she might want to wear something more showy/modern but like, I recall my senior prom, those dresses were low cut, leg slits, open back dresses. Maybe your daughter’s version is more like what I envisioned and it’s got maybe a unique back to it, maybe it’s short, but if you guys don’t even know what she wants yet, I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to “take a side”.
Also will note, your daughter might want a certain style and change her mind as she’s trying on. I think letting her have the freedom with no restrictions as she starts trying things on is important.
Look online before going to a store as a group. Or have your daughter bring a few ideas to the table WITHOUT seeing them in person first. Once your daughter sees/tries on the dress it will be a lot harder to find those compromises. Get an idea of what daughter thinks is appropriate vs. what mom wants and try to set them both up for going to the store. 🙂
I would definitely let her wear what she wants. Good for her that she’s standing up for it!
i’d be your wife in this situation. i’m pretty conservative and was raised by a Mexican father who had to give me a once over with a certain look and i’d run upstairs to change. my personal style skews very conservative/classic/matronly. i’d encourage you to discuss body autonomy and boundaries with your wife. what is her fear with specific clothing choices? is she just struggling watching her daughter grow up? y’all have about a blink of an eye of control left here. let your daughter wear what she wants within reason. and as others have commented if she adheres to school dress code that’s within reason. bottom line it’s your daughters body. how she chooses to adorn/showcase it is ultimately up to her–or at least it should be.
Depending on your wife’s and daughter’s personality, it may be best to stay out of it and let the women work it out, lol. 😅
Ultimately when your daughter moves out and becomes an adult, she will dress however she wants. Your wife needs to get comfortable with that now, and that starts with allowing your daughter more freedom in how she dresses. Believe me, the harder you push her to dress conservatively, the more she will reject it. Just my two cents as a parent to teens.
Girls are definitely dressing different than even just 5-10 years ago. Is she moving away to college? If so, she is going to be wearing whatever she wants in just a few short months. I’m on your side, Dad…..but I didn’t have daughters either LOL
I would have your daughter show you what kind of dresses she would like to wear. Then try to help her come to a happy medium with your wife. There has to be a place to meet in the middle where they can both be happy without you taking a side.
not married, but as a daughter, having my parents consistently telling me to put on longer or looser shorts/dresses as a teenager gave me a very weird complex about my body, and i felt like something was “wrong” with the way i looked, or that negative attention/harassment i got was my fault. i saw you say “a dress is a dress” in another comment, and i get that, but i don’t think it’s just that. she’s getting dolled up for prom, and wearing a fitted dress that abides by the dress code isn’t going to change her character or behavior. being inflexible about realistically
little things like that at that age, from my experience, seem like parents’ attempts at trying to control their child in the quickly disappearing ways they can — which im not judging btw, i will probably have this internal debate abt my own kids in about a decade in a half lol
Give your daughter a budget and send her off to buy a dress with her friends. Trust she will make the right choice and instead of either of you stressing about it you two go out for dinner and toast to what a fine young lady you’ve raised that you can trust her to dress herself appropriately for special occasions.
Something I read about dealing with teenagers a long time ago was that you should be firm on things that will have permanent effects and lenient on things that won’t. For example, be strict about tattoos but lenient on the goth makeup. Teenagers are close to being adults. They want to assert themselves and they’re trying very hard to figure out how to make it in the world. As easy as it seems to an adult, from their perspective it’s the hardest time of their life. And as parents you need to be understanding of that. You can force whatever you want on a teenager, but what’s gonna happen in a couple of years when they’re adults? They’ll do whatever they were going to do now at best, or go even more extreme to prove their own power to themselves and the world at worst. Your best bet with a teenager is to convince them rationally, or let them convince you. They’re not children and you can’t treat them like children anymore. If you give in and let her have her way sometimes, she will let you have *some* role in her life later as an adult. Which will be great because you’re not entitled to have *any* role in her adult life at all. So try to stay on her good side. She’s almost a finished product, there isn’t much you can do anymore except drive her away.
I think it’s hard because your wife’s definition of modest may be different than anyone else. I feel like my mom taking this approach of modesty made me very uncomfortable shopping for clothing. I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts at school unless they were past your knee…. I think its perfectly acceptable to choose one asset to feature like either the dress has a low cut chest, high leg/short or open back. So from your comments I gather she has chosen a low cut dress but I’m sure it’s a long dress so it’s only her chest being ‘featured’.
So you and your wife definitely need to be on the same page before communicating with your daughter. Is there any way you can convince your wife to go with your approach as long as it meets the school dress code, but tell her you’d like her to tell your daughter it was her decision?
That way mom gets a win with her teen daughter which can be tough with a 17 year old, even if she doesn’t get the win with the final dress style.
At 17 it’s time to trust that the lessons you’ve taught have been considered and learned, or simply don’t fit her personal values for herself. Given she’s less than a year away from making 100% of the decisions about what she wears and how special prom is, it seems a shame to spoil a potential bonding occasion by trying to police her dress.
Mia Maples are some nice videos on prom dresses that are a little more grown up but not letting it all hang out. This is her first step into adult social events, I am sure the 3 of you can find something in the middle.
My biggest concern about wearing a revealing dress (for me personally) is “am I going to spend the whole night readjusting my self because I’m about to pop out, will there be a nip slip, is there a chance that I will actually fall out of the dress, are people going to stare and how will it look in photos?”.
When I went dress shopping for my wedding dress I specifically said nothing low cut because I was afraid I would be so uncomfortable all day and looking stupid trying to contain my breasts. I swore off strapless for this reason. The lady at the bridal store convinced me to try on a strapless with a corset back saying that there was no way I’d come out of it. She was right! She had the corset tied perfectly and I felt confident that I wasn’t going to spend my wedding day tugging and pulling and checking. Well, day of my wedding, not a single person there was able to get the corset tight enough to match how the lady at the shop had it and I ended up spending my entire wedding day tugging and pulling and checking and yes, popping out of my dress. Extreme cleavage. In some of my photos it looked very trashy, like I was purposely trying to have my breasts the star of the show. It was very disappointing.
So make sure whatever she’s looking at, she puts it on and she moves in it! Have her bend and jump and dance and wiggle and twirl and see if it stays in place. It would suck to go to prom and be spending the whole night chasing your cleavage around the room.
Disclaimer: I am not a parent. However, I agree she should be allowed to wear what she wants within reason. I see in your comments she’s ~17, and a good kid. She’s almost an adult, and should have more say than her mother at this point. If she’s mature and confident I don’t see a huge deal, it’s her body, not her mom’s. She’s not running down the street naked.
I was moved out at 17 (I’m 34 now) paying bills with my own apartment. All 17 year olds are different, you know yours best!
My advice is, stay out of it. Let your wife go shopping with your daughter and set boundaries and negotiate with the daughter to come to some kind of agreement. This is a case of too many cooks spoil the soup. You would be wise to step out of this debate and let your wife handle it.
This girl is going to secretly get a two piece midriff ball gown at this point. Sometimes you need to be a little flexible…
Let your wife and daughter pick out a dress and you stay out of it. That is unless you want to piss off your wife
Your wife has a right to her beliefs and opinions on the matter, but ultimately it’s not her prom, it’s your daughters. At that age, prom is a huge deal and they will remember it for life. Her wearing something she didn’t love might taint the entire experience for her, especially if everyone else is dressed differently.
Fast forward a decade, if your daughter was forced to wear something she didn’t like to prom, she will always remember that and I think that would affect her. You don’t get a redo, ya know? In contrast, would your wife be salty about your daughter wearing something she loved versus what she feels is appropriate ten years from now?
For my prom, I wore an olive green Belle from Beauty and the Beast looking gown, because it was my dream prom dress. My prom experience sucked, but the dress is, and was, the redeeming factor that was worth a crappy night because I felt amazing in it and adored it.
She should know the more she tries to stifle her the more she’s going to go wild on less than a year when she’s a legal adult.
your daughter is nearly an adult and should have great say in what she wears on her body, especially for such a big even in a teens life. in my personal parenting opinion it’s your job to advocate for your kids even if that is to your spouse
Find something that’s an in between option of what your wife wants and what your daughter wants. Example, if your daughter wants a tight fitting dress with a v neck or no straps with a slit skirt and your wife wants a loose dress with long sleeves and a turtleneck (lmao), you could go for a tight fitting dress that is long sleeves, *maybe* an open back, no slit or low slit. All the important parts are covered but it would still make your daughter feel good! That’s just one example of a compromise. I know she’s your daughter so you might not like this next part, but I’m sure she wants to feel kinda sexy in her dress. That’s okay but you can be modestly sexy too, it doesn’t have to be so overt. Your wife needs to realize your daughter is growing up and becoming a woman and wants to embrace herself! Let your daughter live a little! Don’t ruin the experience by forcing her into something she doesn’t want. She’ll always remember it negatively otherwise. Hope you can work it out!
Is sheer mesh okay?
If so look at dresses where there’s full sleeves but it’s almost transparent for eg
Or like those dresses that have nude coloured fabric for an open back or low cut neck line
So it’s not her actual skin visible but the style is still there
I would just talk to your wife about it privately and say that you think your daughter is responsible enough to make her own decisions about her clothes. She needs the experience of being trusted with these things before she’s out on her own, without you to go to if she needs help or advice. Hopefully you and your wife can talk it through and come to an agreement. If I were you, I would fight hard for this, it’s something I feel strongly about. Kids need to develop autonomy about how they express themselves, including what they wear.
You need to back your daughter up here. You have less than 24 months before she is a legal adult and has to make all kinds of hard choices on her own.
Showing her that neither of you have enough faith in her to let her *dress herself* is going to ensure that she never comes to you for advice when a much larger, potentially life-altering choice is on the table.
Her prom outfit isn’t going to impact her future. At all. Have her back.