Two years ago my boyfriend (29m) and I (29m) moved together to his hometown. We met in a city in a different country about six months before covid hit, and moved about a year later.
Since we’ve been here, I’ve been struggling to make friends and fit in. I’m trying to learn the language but it takes time, but it’s all worth it because I love him like crazy.
However, there is one thing that bugs me. His best friend is always around and she very dependant on his company and attention. In the entire time I’ve been here, we haven’t once gone on a date or for dinner together, just the two of us. I’ve tried countless times (booking restaurants and everything) but every time she ends up wanting to see him and we have to cancel the date.
She’s lovely and I love seeing her, but he seems to prioritise her over me so often that it gets really frustrating. Last night for example, we’d decided to spend the evening at home when she called by boyfriend begging him to come to dinner with her and their other friends as she didn’t want to go “alone”. This meant that I spent my friday evening alone at home instead.
This morning we agreed that we’d go on a date tonight, and of course he ended up feeling guilty because he didn’t want to leave her “alone” with their other friends, and we cancelled our date.
I don’t know what to do. I love him and she’s very sweet and a really good friend to me too, but I need to be able to take my boyfriend out every so often and have some time together.
EDIT: Just to make it clear, as it seems many of the commentators didn’t notice: my boyfriend and I are both guys.
43 comments
All you can do is explain this to him, and he should understand. Especially if you explain the situation to him as clearly as you have here. You not only feel this way, but have examples of instances where he put friends before you as well. Alone time is important in relationships and the “friend” should understand being “left out” since this is no throuple and you are adults.
You need to set boundaries about him changing your plans last minute and not prioritizing your alone time. It isn’t reasonable to cancel or change plans so that she isn’t “alone” with their friends. They are her friends too; it doesn’t actually make any sense. If she was a good friend, she would understand and respect the fact that you two need time alone together. I could not imagine third wheeling my best friends and their SO’s all the time. Maybe she’s just really codependent. Regardless, you need to set boundaries with him, he needs to set boundaries with her, and everyone needs to respect the boundaries and compromise. Good luck!
I’m sorry, you’ve dealt with this more than half your relationship and since you moved to his hometown 2 YEARS AGO you haven’t even gone on a date together ALONE? Do you not see how crazy this is? This is not fucking normal and I think you’re trying way too hard to be the “cool boyfriend”.
He doesn’t “seem to prioritize” him over you. He actively and consistently does it without a single care for how it makes you feel. He has no problem leaving you at home by yourself and canceling dates, but the second his friend calls he drops everything for him? Your boyfriend isn’t sweet.. he’s an ass. Doesn’t really sound like you’re the boyfriend in this scenario.
Your boyfriend’s best friend is not a good friend to you, and your BF is not a good boyfriend to you. I’m sorry if this came off harsh but it seems like you need a reality check. I would’ve left already. I don’t even think it’s worth your time having the conversation about boundaries because I doubt he’d listen. But if you want to stay with this guy, that’s where you need to start.
This is not OK. If you didn’t refer to him as your boyfriend I would think he was hers. You need to have a serious discussion about boundaries. Try to avoid threats or ultimatums though especially if you’re not willing to follow through.
If it all goes well, he will then need to have a conversation with her about said bounderies
This would make perfect sense if the friend were a child and couldn’t be left alone. If she’s an adult this is preposterous. Your bf seems to be completely taking you for
granted and thus far you seemed to have accepted it. You need to let your bf know that routinely canceling time with your in favor of time with her is not acceptable. Once in a while it’s ok, every time is not ok.
How do you feel about the relationship, generally?
He’s treating you like shit and you’re letting him. Why?
Idgaf how “sweet” she is it’s absolute bullshit to leave you at home because she can’t be alone and then to cancel your next date?
She’s not your friend and she isn’t his because she wants to fuck him. Those are incompatible.
She’s not sweet, she’s manipulative.
She knows full well that by being overly “sweet” to you, you will feel bad about setting boundaries and your boyfriend won’t buy that she’s doing anything bad.
Please don’t be so naive. This is not normal or acceptable. You need to be extremely honest with your boyfriend. Do you think for a second that he’d be ok if you had a male friend who did this?
She’s not alone, she’s with friends. Even if she WAS alone, so what? She doesn’t need supervision. If being alone is so bad (again, she’s not alone) why is it ok that he forced you to be alone? If alone is this unbearable thing that cannot be tolerated, why did he make you suffer it?
You need to explicitly tell him what you want and ask him to give it to you. But you also have to figure out what you’re going to do if he doesn’t as I’m guessing you’ve talked to him about this before.
>This morning we agreed that we’d go on a date tonight, and of course he
ended up feeling guilty because he didn’t want to leave her “alone” with
their other friends, and we cancelled our date.
That’s a pretty big red flag. Like time to break up red flag.
>she ends up wanting to see him and we have to cancel the date
You ain’t in a throuple. You’re on the back burner and have been for the majority of your relationship.
“We already have plans. You need to find someone else to accompany you”
Why was he ok to leave you alone but she cannot go out with her own friends alone?
He needs a good talking to.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You’ve gotten plenty of helpful advice so I hope you guys can communicate and figure this out somehow. I still have my doubts though, I don’t think he’s gonna change meaningfully.
When someone shows you who they are – believe them.
You aren’t the priority here. You’re the side piece. Are you okay with that never changing?
Thats her boyfriend not yours its sounds like. You really need to sit down with him and discuss boundaries. Because she’s crossing them & he is letting her. Honestly, my heart broke reading this.
I bet when it comes time to get naked he not so quick to cancel,idk he sounds like a d bag..
Your are sharing your BF and relationship with this woman. Your BF has a whole second GF and relationship right in front of your face. And you’re allowing yourself to continue to be set aside for her needs. Makes me think one day they will “all of a sudden” realize they have romantic feelings for each other and you’ll be put out. Let them have their relationship and find someone who wants to be your significant other only.
You sure he’s your boyfriend?
Congratulations on being so damn patient. If he were my bf I would’ve already blown up and made him cut that friend off. She’s not sweet she’s doing it on purposes. Clearly your bf prioritize his friends over you and your needs. I’d be more firm if behavior continues I’d break up.
How is she “alone” with other friends? That implies there is more than friendship going on here from her viewpoint. And that he prioritizes this over being with you implies there is more than friendship going on here from his viewpoint.
Why did you deal with that for 2 years? Just end the relationship. Their relationship will not end
It we didn’t know better I wouldn’t even call him your bf. Just someone you sleep with and live with. He’s this friend’s bf in every emotional way that matters.
Why you put up with this for so long is beyond me. You either need to set boundaries or dump him. Frankly I would dump him
Are you sure you aren’t the friend and she’s the girlfriend?
He’s obviously not a good boyfriend. Dump his ass
Next time she’s around at your place late just say “we’re going to bed now, are you going to join us? I mean, you’re ALWAYS HERE and we never do ANYTHING without you. Did you bring your own pillow?” See how she reacts.
You need to sit down with him and talk from your heart. Tell him while you like his friend it’s seems to you that she’s the GF and I’m just a friend. You need alone time with him, that he needs to make you his priority and not her. No more leaving you at home to be with her. No more canceling out on dates with you to be with her. She has other friends and isn’t young and helpless. Say you admire him for being such a good and loyal friend but you should be getting the bulk of his attention, not the leftovers.
If he can’t understand that then I’m afraid you will probably have to break up, don’t allow yourself to be his second choice
Wow, this would be awful even if you were in a thrupple
Talk to him about this. If after that he can’t prioritize your relationship still, time to move on. No amount of love can fix this if he doesn’t want to fix it. Best friend or not, he needs to draw boundaries. You need to as well.
I’m sorry, but this girl won’t go anywhere until your boyfriend won’t set his boundaries.
He needs to see that her actions ruin his relationship.
Collect facts: cancelled dates, evenings that he stayed with her instead of you, while you are the one who is in another country, not her.
Present him with this all, staying calm. Ask him how he will feel with roles reversed? How he sees your future? Let’s imagine that you will have kids. What he will do then? I know it’s hard, but try to be calm and collected, don’t let your emotions to overwhelm you.
It looks like she manipulates him, he lets her to do so. The reason why is the key. If he genuinely believes her lies about being alone with friends – might be he will change. If he knows that this is shit, but jus doesn’t care – he won’t change, and it will be time to run. Sorry again, and good luck!
Look at what you’ve wrote. You’re essentially a side chick here. Stop putting up with it. She knows what she’s doing. He knows what he’s doing. They keep doing it because you’re allowing it. Either set a boundary or let her have him.
Edit: a word and also OP is a guy, sorry!
My gut reaction is – does he genuinely know the two of you are dating? Because he absolutely does not act like it.
Sounds like they are the primary couple and you are the FB. They have this relationship exactly where they want it.
OP!!! She’s not lovely. She’s not sweet. She’s not a good friend to you. And your bf sucks!!!
He is more than willing to leave you alone but not her???!!! C’mon OP. You are not in a throuple. They have each other. You are just on the side!
I would wait until they go out together, and move out.
this is absolutely insane. he’s dating both of you right in front of your eyes and you think she’s a friend??? just because he calls her that? frankly this would be a huge blow to my ego and self esteem, being disrespected in this way is completely unimaginable for me. you deserve MILES AND MOUNTAINS better than this
Why are you putting up with this? He can be with you or be with her. Clearly he cares more about her. You know what you need to do, and you don’t need Reddit’s permission.
Lol I’d be moving back home with this kinda BS happening.
Does your bf actually care about you? She is not sweet, she is a manipulating bitch and your bf is an ass
That’s not even a throuple if you’re not even included to the events with your BF and his BFF. He is canceling all outings but going out with her and leaving you alone ? Which then leaves you alone 🧐 has this not crossed his mind. Seems like he doesn’t want to be seen with you or they have something going between them that he doesn’t want you to find out. Big 🚩. I dont think there needs to be a conversation if he does not see his own faults. Start saving some money to get out of there as soon as you can best of luck 🤞
Sounds like he’s enabling her complete lack of boundaries, that’s going to be incredibly difficult and take a long time for you to remedy.
Ok I’ll start with married 25+ years.
My future wife kept bringing her roommate(F) along on our dates. Roommate didn’t have anyone to hang out with. After the 4th or 5th time I just ended the date early and sent my date home with her roommate. Told her that I was trying to date her, not her roommate. Pretty smooth sailing from there. All it took was setting a limit/boundary.
You need to set a limit/boundary.
At this point you’re the side piece OP. Express wanting boundaries or leave.
“…he seems to prioritise her over me so often…”
He seems to prioritize her over you ALWAYS.
He needs to decide which is more important: His relationship with you, or his relationship with “her”. And you need to decide how much longer you are willing to let him disrespect you.
Wow, I just realized that you are both men.
Is your boyfriend even out?
It sounds like he tells everyone that you are the roommate.
His best friend’s actions make more sense now. If she doesn’t know he’s gay and coupled up, this would explain why an invitation wasn’t offered to OP when she called for companionship at the dinner party. It doesn’t sound so nefarious under this lens.
Yet, she doesn’t sound like a friend and more like she is his actual girlfriend.
OP, I would be having a conversation about him even being out. Have you met his parents? Siblings?
It also explains the lack of dates once on his home turf.
His always bending towards her suggest that she is indeed his girlfriend. How is she able to circumvent literally every date that you have planned? It’s not possible, unless he is inventing the scenarios to escape being seen out in public with OP.
I don’t understand how this has been going on for two years? Six months tops would have been my absolute limit.
Myself, I would be packing up and leaving.
If you really need to continue, you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation and get to the bottom of this. Are you a couple? Or are you his fuck buddy? Is he out? Is he bi and dating the “best friend”? Is he using her as a beard?
It sounds all kinds of ducked up to even bother at this point.
I would be assessing my financial health and be getting ready to either go back home or get my own apartment in the current country.
Hugs and hope things brighten up for you.