I (31F) have been married to my husband (42M) for almost five years. We dated for 11 months and were married a few weeks later.
In the beginning, he was perfect. I’ll admit, I was a better version of myself as well.
As the years progressed, many things have changed. I suffered a traumatic loss of my younger brother. The subsequent depression caused me to take up drinking and gain weight (I am now 6ft, 200lbs when I was previously around 170).
He changed professions resulting in a 50% paycut and his disdain for the work has made him perpetually angry. He has also gained some weight and stopped with the gym/fitness.
Ok, enough background. Here comes the issues.
When we were dating, he initially lied about his age. By the time I found out that we were 11 years apart instead of three or four, we were too deep.
So when I initially agreed to have children, it was based on the timeline of someone closer to my age. He will be 43 soon and is pressuring me to have kids and I am not ready. He feels like I am reneging because we mutually agreed to kids when we were dating.
The reason I’m delaying children? Partially, I feel like I am still young and I want to focus on my career. The other facet of it, is about a year into a relationship I realized he has a explosive temper. He yells and breaks thinks. I feel like it’s a matter of time before he hits me. I’m unwilling to bring children into the picture. He claims it’s my fault because I provoke him and feels like I am refusing to take accountability.
In general, he’s an emotionally charged person. Everyday things like the car not starting, an unexpected bill, or a mundane disagreement tend to elicit strong reactions and it’s exhausting.
Additionally, due to my weight gain, lifestyle habits, and unwillingness to bear children, he is withholding sex from me.
I have expressed to him that I have a very high sex drive and celibacy is not sustainable for me.
Here’s where I know I’m at fault. I met someone recently and we exchanged numbers. We’re both in miserable relationships and it’s been an outlet. We recently started sexting and I can envision it leading to more.
My apathy and resentment towards my husband is growing each day and I’m not sure what to do. We have marriage counseling scheduled.
So, my question is: how do I repair my marriage? I don’t want to divorce but some of these challenges seem insurmountable.
TL;DR: My husband and I have grown apart in the five years we’ve been together and I’m not sure if the relationship can be salvaged.
29 comments
Typically you want to try marriage counseling BEFORE emotionally cheating . It seems you already know you don’t want to be with this person and you said it yourself you can’t see yourself having children with him yet you both agree to want them . The marriage is still early enough where you can separate relatively easily and start over with someone who has the qualities you are looking for and shares the same values . I just don’t see a way through this especially since you have already cheated . In order to even start to repair your marriage that would have to come to light , and from what you described will only worsen the resentment and ultimately lead to probably the same outcome 🤷🏻♂️
Repairing a relationship requires effort from both sides and it seems both of you have changed in ways that made you grow apart. If you can both commit to work on things and not just point fingers and constantly rehash things from the past then it may be possible. Also, you gotta stop sexting other people (unless your husband is aware and ok with it and you don’t have a double standard about it).
Another thing to consider is that divorce doesn’t equal failure. Plenty of successful marriages that a LOT of good things have come out of, end in divorce. Marriage is hard and people change. If you don’t change in the same direction, that’s ok, but you may no longer be compatible.
Repairing is not your focus. Focus on getting out, this thing is a mess built on flimsy foundations. Don’t stay because you’re feeling guilty about cheating. Bail because it’s the right thing to do.
Usually I’m on the bandwagon for marriage counseling, but I think it is pointless in this situation. Your husband lied and manipulated you from the get go. Him lying about his age is a huge red flag. Why did he lie? You have a high sex drug, and sometimes, as people get older, their drive diminishes. As I get older (female), mine has increased, but my husband’s has decreased. We are trying to find a balance. He acts like a Tasmanian Devil when he gets angry, and takes no ownership of that behavior. He wants to you to take the blame for his behavior. That is wild. He is over 40 years old., but has the mindset of teenager. You have started to cheat, and it will probably escalate. I would remove myself from both situations
Marriage counseling at this time just seems like a waste but you do you
>The other facet of it, is about a year into a relationship I realized he has a explosive temper. He yells and breaks thinks. I feel like it’s a matter of time before he hits me.
>He claims it’s my fault because I provoke him and feels like I am refusing to take accountability.
Ok so I feel like everyone is distracted by the sexting and ignoring the above parts, which are far more concerning to me.
Maybe the first step is to try and see for yourself if your husband’s actions are problematic? [This quiz](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/) is an objective source where you can answer a few short questions and find out how healthy your relationship is away from the chaos of Reddit.
I obviously don’t know either of you, but I’m concerned that what you’re describing is abuse.
For a broader understanding of what abuse is and what it looks like, read [‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwj3sPeIjrb1AhVTTcAKHcbBAl8QFnoECE0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw3mGVKb7totluNc5MI2Y3fD) – (this link will take you to a free PDF of the book). Your husband throwing things is a behaviour specifically mentioned in the book, and his blameshifting to me is also really concerning.
It’s also important to understand that someone doesn’t have to hit you to he abusive – [here’s a breakdown](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
Please do not let your husband know you’re looking at these resources, right now just learn as much as you can yourself. Also lock down your contraceptive so he can’t tamper with it.
If you recognise anything in the above links, DO NOT try and confront your husband about it, nor try to get counselling with him to ‘fix’ it. It may put you in more danger and you need to focus on your own wellbeing.
There’s also a user on here called U/Ebbie45 who’s compiled a list of even more [resources](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/&ved=2ahUKEwjgi9jYj7b1AhX_QUEAHatHDiQQFnoECAYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0gCM2-G4wZV7DG7ZG0jd76) you can use to find out more, start planning for your future and where you can get support.
I’m so sorry about how scary this must be. Just take it one step at a time and know you’re not alone!
Why do you want to repair this marriage? He has anger issues. He is abusive. He lued from you from the beginning what really matches the abusive behaviour that just showed after marriage.
Do you want to spend the rest of youf life like this? You don’t feel save with his anger issues. And if you are true to yourself, the age , the character change… it was like a mask the dropped as soon as he secured you. Don’t waste your life. Just ask yourself: are you happy? Could he ever change so much that you gets happy again?
Don’t go to couples counseling with him. Go individual counseling for you. You never go to counseling with your abuser and that is what he is. He rushed you into marriage on purpose and wants a baby to ‘lock’ you down. Read the link below about it.
https://www.webmd.com/women/features/domestic-abuse-recognizing-potential-abuser
The other reason you need to leave is because you’re cheating. Cheating is bad and there never an excuse for it. But leave mainly because he’s a liar and an abuser.
Don’t go to counseling with an abuser. They’re notorious for manipulating the counseling dynamic and making things worse for their victims.
Instead, get counseling for yourself, and make a plan to leave.
The sexting issue is a red herring.
You’re in danger.
Why exactly do you not want a divorce? Is it shame or sense of failure? What possesses you to want to stay.
You need to leave this man. You need to avoid pregnancy at all costs – he is not fit to parent. Or be a husband.
You don’t he needs mental health help and therapy likely a couple antidepressants or bipolar medication you’d be better off to move on especially if he’s punishing you the way he is I can assure you the relationship will likely never end up being a happy one imagine accidentally getting pregnant with his child and having to co-parent with a man like him
PLEASE do not have children with this man. Whatever you do, do not have children with him.
How can you be too deep when you only dated for 11 months…
So, we have established that:
– he is willing to say anything, including blatantly lie, to get what he wants.
– he gets angry. And says you deserve his anger because you provoke him. Has this man ever been around children? They do nothing BUT provoke. You have children with this man, I put 50/50 odds that he will kill them(shaken baby syndrome would be my guess), and then he will blame you.
– I dont know you. But from what you say, you are turning into a worse person from having been in this relationship.
– the fact that he is 43 years old means that the children you bear from him will be significantly more likely to suffer debilitating illnesses.
You found out he lied to you, and felt you were “too deep”. The best time to leave would have been the moment you discovered this deception. The 2nd best time to leave would have been when you realized you were not safe around him and that you could not trust him with your children. The next best time is now.
Dont continue to throw good years away after bad. Dont continue to hold out and wait until he actually decides to beat the shit out of you or until he forces you to carry his child. Definitely do not ever tell him that you’ve cheated on him. Just leave. You will thank yourself.
You’re scared he will get violent with you. He lied to you about a really important detail. Leave now.
I hate cheating with a passion, but dearie, if how you describe him is accurate, and feelings for this other guy help you out of this mess, then DO IT.
You married before you even knew him for a year.
He is much older than you thought when you met him.
You feel like it’s only a matter of time UNTIL HE STARTS HITTING YOU because of his abusive temper.
Get out!!! You are absolutely right, bringing children into this mess would be the worst and only worsen each aspect of it! I don’t care if he is the breadwinner or if it’s comfortable to live with someone and have a ring on your finger, of you feel like you are walking on eggshells every day and he will abuse you, then go out and find someone better and leave his toxic ass behind!
Probably can’t be saved because you’ve clearly checked out. Do yourself and him a favour and let him go and find the right woman for him and you find the right person for you with no guilt.
>He claims it’s my fault because I provoke him and feels like I am refusing to take accountability.
This is textbook narcissistic behaviour. And unfortunately it will only get worse.
Nope. Him shouting and breaking stuff to intimidate you into acquiescing *IS* abuse.
Withholding money from you regardless of what it’s about, *IS* abuse.
I think it’s commendable that you recognise that bringing kids into this dynamic wouldn’t be healthy for you or the baby and I think you should definitely get a divorce. For one, he is a proven liar. Like dude, come on, that is a significant amount of years for one who is fudging his age. And two, he isn’t a very nice person.
Please don’t waste more time on this guy. Go live how you want and be free of any burdens.
You’re not going to have kids with this man, and you’re going to divorce him. The only question is how long you’re going to keep putting yourself through all this before you do.
you are in an abusive relationship, do not let him get you pregnant, do not break up with him alone one on one, do not pack up your things alone, get someone to come with you
>By the time I found out that we were 11 years apart instead of three or four, we were too deep.
He might have wanted you to believe that, but that wasn’t the truth then and it’s not the truth now. You might have lost some time, but starting over is not the end of the world. Don’t stay with this liar a second longer.
>So, my question is: how do I repair my marriage?
Here’s my question, why do you want to? You haven’t stated one redeeming quality this man has and he’s clearly making you miserable.
Why do you even want to repair this marriage? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
I used to be with someone kind of like your husband. She didn’t get angry but even the most mild of inconveniences or mistakes would send her into either a panic attack or an emotional breakdown. Navigating through life with her became incredibly stressful, (though I tried to deny it because like you I wanted to be with them) because I always had to be braced for something, like she was a ticking time bomb. Things reached a breaking point and while I still miss her years later, and wish things could have been different, they aren’t and it’s also very relieving to not have to feel like I’m always walking on thin ice.
Just leave. He sounds like a crappy partner and you def don’t want kids with a liar with anger problems.
Get a divorce.
He lied about his age!!!!
He has an explosive temper. He breaks things.
He is immature and doesn’t communicate. He is emotionally abusive.
>how do I repair my marriage?
Your marriage was based on a lie! WTF are you trying to repair?
Sounds like you already checked out since you started at the very least emotionally cheating. Might as well check out 100% before you bring a child into the world with two miserable parents. The world already has enough kids born into bad situations.
You need to create an escape plan and leave this abuser. You cannot do counseling with an abuser, he will simply learn how to abuse and manipulate you more to make you think you aren’t being abused. Your entire relationship is based off of lies and abuse. You deserve so much better OP. Yes the cheating is bad, but a lot of people trying to escape from abusive situations end up cheating. Unfortunate as it is. You do not need to think about repairing, you need to focus on escaping. Before you end up in the hospital or 6 feet under.
Don’t cheat. Stop texting. Pack your bags and file for divorce. Then find someone who really makes you happy. I’m concerned that if he finds out you’re having an emotional affair, he may hurt you or worse.
> I feel like it’s a matter of time before he hits me.
Think about what you just typed here. You don’t want to have children with this man because you believe he is abusive, that he will become a physical abuser.
Please, create an exit strategy and get SAFELY out of this relationship.
First off, you’re married to a lying, abusive, manipulative jerk. Don’t hang around any longer. Do not have children with this guy. Get yourself out of there and protect yourself. Your safety comes first.
Secondly, the divorce will get waaaaaaay messier than it needs to be if you don’t stop sexting that other dude. Stop it right now and get your shit in order. Find a good attorney and lean on friends and family for support because you’re going to need it. You can do this.