Husband says he wants to die

34 comments

1. Him behaving like that is manipulative and just another reason why you should stick to your plan on breaking up with him and having him move out.

2. He’s being extremely abusive and manipulative, your kids always come first.

3. He must move out. Crystal clear after all the things he is saying…

   Who knows what happens between your teens and him when you are not there…

   You are doing the right thing, trust yourself! 🙂

4. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to emotionally abuse and manipulate you into changing your mind.
   This isn’t a cry for help. It’s a frantic grab for control.

   He is verbally aggressive, manipulative and your child had expressed their discomfort of having him around.
   You’ve got a responsibility to your child, not this ‘man’ (I use that word in the loosest possible definition).

   Stick to your guns. He cannot stay in your home with behaviour like this.

5. He is trying to make HIS issues YOUR emotional responsibility. This has to be a pattern. You definitely need space to sort out where you stand without being manipulated by him.

   Don’t back down, you’ve come this far, and you don’t want to have to start all over again. Tell him that he is moving out until he has worked on his anger issues, and THEN you will discuss moving back in again. Make it non-negotiable.

6. Please be a responsible mother.

7. You are not responsible for his mental health. Him saying these things if a form of manipulation to get you to believe & act as though you are.

   My advice, stay headstrong and live apart until he starts getting help for his issues. I’d also suggest therapy for you and your child.

8. Id he would be that depressed, he already would have done it. He is gaslighting you.

9. You need to get out of this relationship.

10. He is manipulating you, just move out.

    My ex husband used to threaten me with this all the time. Eventually I left him. 3 years later, guess what? He’s still alive and kicking.

11. Please leave him, my mom didn’t and even though we’re better ish I’ve never really gotten over that feeling that she didn’t wanna protect me or herself

12. Thanks everyone.

    I spoke to my husband about it and he says he doesn’t really want to die, but just feels so terrible.

    I get that, but it still doesn’t excuse the manipulation. My ex jumped off a car park when we split up and was paralyzed. I had to deal with that when I was 17. My husband knows this too. Saying you are going to kill yourself is obviously concerning, but it pushes me away even further and I’m even more convinced he should go now.

13. “Please stop saying that I’m going to call the cops next time for your safety.”

14. I agree with commenters that say he is being manipulative.

    But more than that, make sure you understand that your relationship is not therapy and you are not his therapist, and his living with you will not help him, and that if he does have suicidal ideation or depression, you cannot treat it, that living with you will not help, and that he needs to seek professional help elsewhere.

    If you think he is actually in danger of harming himself, call 911. If he makes a specific threat to harm himself to you, say “are you serious? If you are serious I am going to hang up and call 911”.

15. Good things he’s an adult who can take care of himself.

    This is manipulation.

16. He’s lying.

    Sounds like your child sees him for what he is and has every right to be anxious and uncomfortable.

    Your safety and that of your child depends on you getting him out of the house. He’s been abusing your child by the sounds of it and now (only now?) he’s abusing you.

    Threatening to kill himself to get his own way is textbook abuse.

17. >I’m willing to try to salvage our relationship but need to focus on getting my teen well again.

    Be aware that to get your teen well your husband needs to get well. He is abusive. He abuses your child, which should have been enough for you to walk away a long time ago, and he has used emotional manipulation [abuse] on you now. And be aware he chose to threaten suicide over acknowledge and work on his own problems, he chose to double down on the abuse instead of anything remotely healthy.

    He needs therapy. Likely a lot of it. Likely a lifetime of it. And unfortunately it is plausible so will your kid because of him. I saw you note you had an ex that was also toxic in the comments and be aware: you’ve repeated that pattern unwittingly and your child has taken the brunt of that impact.

18. So you want to make it work with someone who’s abusing you and your daughter? Call the police to do welfare check on him.

19. Welp. Clearly he is the problem.

    Protect your kid.

20. Had an ex threaten to kill himself if I went no contact after I broke up with him. He didn’t, and I was still no contact. He dated a friend of mine. He threatened to kill himself if she broke up with him. I lovingly told her that’s not really her problem and she needs to make sure she’s safe first. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others. She broke up with him. He never once actually attempted suicide (I know his roommates).

    When I was a teen I did something similar (not proud of that), I almost actually did self harm but I had A LOT of other problems on the table besides dating problems. I had thought that if I could just convince him (different guy than the first ex) to stay that he’d see it was a mistake and this was me securing another chance. It didn’t and what I had done was wrong. I did struggle with suicidal impulses and self harm problems for a while after that were never relationship based.

    But yeah, it’s not your concern right now. It sounds harsh I know but your top priority is your teen and yourself. Put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others.

21. If he wanted to live with you, he should have been nice to your kid! Hold firm boundaries with this bullshit. He can kill himself if he’d like to but he can’t blame you for it. You are not required to take care of him…you’re not his mommy.

22. Your husband’s response is extreme emotional manipulation. The appropriate response from you is that you can’t control what he does to himself, but you still need him to move out. It is non-negotiable and him making threats to his own safety will not change that.

23. Any time your husband (or anyone else) threatens to kill themselves, your first action should always be to call 911. Always. Tell the emergency operator that your husband has threatened to kill himself and they will send out EMTs for a wellness check. Do it every time.

    You are not responsible for your husband’s mental health issues. You need to do what is necessary and best for your child (and for you).

24. I think it would be a good idea to contact a domestic violence organization for help if he’s making manipulative suicide threats, just to be aware of what resources are available, if nothing else, and to develop a plan for what to do in case he becomes violent.

    [This article](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1) has a lot of good tips for dealing with coercive suicide threats.

25. I had a guy threaten to kill himself after I broke up with him. He texted me telling me that he had already tied the rope meant to hang himself to a crossbeam. I called the police, and instead of driving to his house and checking on him, the police called him first.

    He texted me, telling me he was laughing about how he had foiled my “plan” because the police called him and he told them that *I* was the hysterical one.

    Suicide-as-manipulation is so prevalent. Some people are actually in emotional turmoil when they make the threat, but, either way, it is something that you cannot allow to hold you hostage.

    Since a gun is involved here, you need to get you and your child out of that living situation, because this guy will not willingly leave. He has shown you the lengths he is willing to go in order to not move, this is not the time for a battle over who leaves. If you own the property at the center of this, you need to leave first then officially evict him (serving him with the required amount of notice the required way, then filing for eviction through the courts.) If you both own this property, well, some things are more important than property, you can live somewhere else for the sake of your child’s (not to mention your own) mental health.

    This marriage is probably not salvageable. If it is, it’s going to take a lot of cooperative work, and your husband is not in a place where he can meaningfully take part in that journey, hence the need to not worry about anything but getting away from him, no matter what he says to try to prevent that.

26. Toxic toxic toxic he needs help from a therapist there is nothing you can do

27. I don’t understand why he’s still your husband when he’s verbally abusive to your son for no legitimate reason. If my boyfriend would kick my cat he’d be out the door immediately with cat shit thrown at him. If I was your son I’d be hella pissed at you.

28. He’s gaslighting you I think.

29. At this point, I think the clear choice is either for you to support your child by forcing the husband to move out and starting divorce proceedings (if you go that route, there is no salvaging the relationship), or give in to the husband’s emotional blackmail and show your child that their needs will never be considered in the face of your husband.

    For me, supporting my child would be the first and only priority, and I would also recognize that your husband’s threats of coercive suicide are a form of emotional abuse being perpetrated on you and your child. Faced with a partner who behaving like that, I would call 911 (assuming you are in the US) and request paramedics and if necessary the police, to respond and arrange for him to be evaluated, explaining to both the operator and responding paramedics/officers, that there is a mental health crisis occuring and ask for the assistance of someone trained to handle such issues if possible.
    I would recommend reviewing this article on the subject before proceeding, however:
    [https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1)

30. Tell him that instead of threatening with such BS, he should get therapy and try to be the best husband and stepdad he can be, and then, whenever he calls you to tell you he’ll be doing something to himself, call the police for a wellfare check.

    What a horrible emotional manipulation tactic that he is using.

31. Your husband’s behavior is indicative that he probably won’t ever change, threatening suicide because you are putting your child first is deplorable. Your child also might be very hesitant to accept help from you if you are still seeing him, it hurts unimaginably to see your parent still trying to be with someone who has abused you. You are essentially all your child has. It is good that you have asked your husband to move out for your child’s sake, but his reaction shows he does not value your child’s wellbeing, and if YOU do, you should not have someone in your life who would rather die than stop verbally abusing your child (and he is just lashing out about not having ACCESS to abusing your child!). I’m saying this as someone who grew up with my mom and her horrible boyfriend, it took me years to forgive my mom for what she let me go through just to keep her boyfriend around. She only moved him out of our house when I asked why she loved him more than me. Please don’t do that to your kid. They will be better for it.

32. Call cops for wellness check when he says these things. Turn it back on him.

33. nope just leave and if he kills himself he kills himself. he’s abusive, and you shouldn’t even be considering staying together since your child said he makes them uncomfortable.

34. this is abusive manipulation using violence as a threat against you setting a boundary… you need someone to be present when you deal with him to mediate