Why is the phrase calm down so triggering?

20 comments

1. It is too often just used to invalidate or dismiss a real concern.

2. Because it implies that I’m crazy and that I’m not allowed to feel what I’m feeling. It’s completely invalidating to me. I don’t like it. I’m not crazy, just pissed and angry.

3. Because it implies that your feelings aren’t valid and you have to act a certain way despite the circumstance.

4. It can be used to silence and suppress us

5. It’s because of how it’s been weaponised simply to shut someone up. It’s been a tool of gaslighting, you *are* calm and yet someone’s acting as if you’re being unreasonable when, chances are, you’re not.

6. A person can’t read me while I’m calm. I’m calm, but a person is trying to control narrative and asking me why I’m angry, even though I’m in a chill mood.

7. It feels like they didn’t even listen to me in the first place and just want me to shut up and to not bother them with my shit.

   Of course only when it’s said dismissively. It depends on the situation. Often times it really helpes to take a step back and take the problem apart with your friend. Sometimes I am just not in the best mind to analyze and solve a problem.

8. Because all emotions are valid. I mean if I’m not hurting anyone or the emotion is lasting an “appropriate” amount of time and intensity, then all they’re saying is I don’t care/I don’t want to support you or deal with you.

9. [removed]

10. It’s just wholly unhelpful. Either I know I need to calm down in which case telling me to do it doesn’t help. Or I don’t think I need to and they’re just being dismissive and making things worse.

    I think if there’s a case of someone who genuinely does need to calm down, say they’re stressed out to the point of hyperventilating, what’s much more helpful is some actual action. “Hey let’s pause, I can see you’re not well, can you take a deep breath? Let’s just stop and breathe for a moment. Let’s find somewhere to sit down where I can hear you out.” etc.

11. You already answered your own question. You *are* calm. Someone implying you’re being too emotional when you clearly aren’t is just trying to shut you up. They are demonstrating that they don’t give a shit about what you have to say and want you to piss off. There isn’t even a reply you can say to it. No logic or reason to use here bc no matter what you say in response and no matter how calmly you react the other person has told you that they don’t care. They simply want you to be quiet and the only way you can retaliate is by blowing up.

12. It feels belittling sometimes, especially if they say it with *that* tone. You know which one

13. It’s basically saying that what you’re stressed/upset about is not a big deal.

14. It’s like saying “I know you are but what am I?”

    Its invalidating or dismissing someone’s argument without any logical response. Typically by men, to women.

15. because it does not adress any issue. It tells you that the way you’re feeling now is wrong and the reason is neglecteable. So it’s not helpful.

    And when you’re already calm it means that the other person doesn’t think that. They see you as emotional, even overly emotional

16. Because it’s usually said in a condescending manner as if being “calm” is the only valid emotion for a woman, also usually said by the person causing you to feel not calm

17. For me – because it’s so condescending and implies that they are the calm one and have the upper hand.

18. Honestly, I think you should really just clam down about this. It’s really not that bad

19. Because it gives the impression that your overreacting and that your pain isn’t valid nor important and you have to act a certain way to deal with it and it shows just how much you don’t understand nor want to understand the pain we’re in

20. Because if I am legitimately angry about something it’s likely I’ve tried to bring up the issue calmly before and I got tired of being nice about it because the only way I’m heard is if I freak out. So hearing calm down sends me into RAGE lmfao