I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for over an year, after knowing him for about 3 years. I’m close to pretty much all his friends, especially his closest female friend in our city who became my best friend after he introduced me to her. I don’t mind hin having female best friends or spending time with them at all, it feels great having another girl to talk to in a friend group full of boys mostly.
He has another female best friend, ‘Liz’, who moved abroad way before I met him and I haven’t ever met her. He’s often told me about her, how she was his childhood best friend and how he hopes to meet her soon, because she hasn’t been back in a while. He had a brief thing with her where they made out one day about 4 years ago but decided not to pursue a relationship. Apparently they’ve been friends ever since and never did anything like that ever again.
I was at his place ordering food on his phone while he was in the bathroom. He gets a message notification from Liz saying “i love you too”. I instinctively click on the notification and it shows me a conversation between them where she tells him she’s going to be visiting and he says he’s excited to meet her and then texts her i love you. I felt sick to my stomach. When my bf returned I asked him how he would feel about me texting my male friends that i love them. He instinctively responded that he wouldn’t feel comfortable but then said that ‘well, it depends’.
I ended up telling him about the conversation. He brushed it off saying she was like a sister to him and there was nothing more to it. I told him that you don’t make out with a sister and he tried to defend it but ended up apologizing saying he promised that there was nothing more to it, but he wouldn’t do it again. The thing is, I wouldn’t have been upset if he had said it to our mutual best friend, who’s also a girl because i know they’ve never made out together and i know her well enough to trust her.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or being unnecessarily upset but despite the fact that he profusely apologised I’m still quite angry. Particularly because there have been times he’s gone through all my messages on every social media app because he ‘suspected’ me of something (and found nothing, because i have nothing to hide), but thought I’d be okay with him saying i love you to someone he’s made out with. How do I speak to him about this?
TLDR- Boyfriend said i love you to his female best friend that he made out with once. Apologised but i still feel kind of awful about it.
4 comments
>Particularly because there have been times he’s gone through all my messages on every social media app because he ‘suspected’ me of something, but that he thought I’d be okay with him saying i love you to someone he’s made out with.
>How do I speak to him about this?
Why is he checking all your messages?? That not really OK.
I think you either have to accept there’s nothing between them and let it go. Or decide this is too much nonsense and break up.
Or a third option would be to see what happens when she comes to visit, see how he acts around when the three of you are hanging out.
To be honest, I would not be OK with my partner sending and receiving “I love you” messages to someone they had been intimate with in romantic way. That’s a deal breaker for me. They don’t mean it in a familial way. They might mean it in a friendly way, but is he like that with other people?
Definitely weird and sus. I doubt he only kissed her. I never only kissed a girl and tell her i love her. Watch out. If this keeps going, dump him . your still in early 20s plenty of fish in the sea
“Particularly because there have been times he’s gone through all my messages on every social media app because he ‘suspected’ me of something (and found nothing, because i have nothing to hide)”
Wow, you really glossed over that. It’s typical for cheaters to accuse the other person of cheating and act all paranoid about it. Why do you let him go through your conversations, multiple times? That’s not normal. If you haven’t done anything he can’t just demand to see your private messages on a whim whenever he feels like it. This is very unhealthy and will probably escalae to more controlling behavior.
As for the messages, yeah that sounds like they have feelings for each other. Ask yourself it it’s typicam for him to tell his friends “i love you” or is it just this one.
Does she know about you? I think it’s sus that he didn’t tell you she’s visiting. So he’s made no plans to introduce you to her?