UPDATE: Issues after being intimate for the first time

43 comments

1. You gave him another shot and he couldn’t have failed more spectacularly. That has nothing to do with ED, and all to do with how he handled it.

   The ED isn’t the red flag here, it’s how he handled it (but he’s going to probably respond bitching at you about how you a treating him because of it, though I’m hoping I’m wrong)

2. Oh. Man. Hang in there! I’m sure you’ll find someone as kind and understanding as yourself.

3. Good for you, hopefully he gets why this ended so he understands what he really did wrong

4. Good on you for giving him another shot, but he still failed to provide for any of your needs, not worth your time, you shouldnt have to beg for someone to touch you because their own insecurity is getting in the way.

5. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. You’ve given a reasonable level of emotional support and it just seems like he’s incapable of meeting you partway (not re the ED but the aftermath). The relationship is too new to expect anything else from you at this point.

6. I don’t get it, why doesn’t he just get meds??

   Like, you ain’t gotta suffer my dude!!

7. He’s right about one thing..at 36 he’s likely not taking care of himself if he’s having a significant issue with this. I’m going to give him a pass on cuddling as he was probably super embarrassed

   But yeah..you are making the right call for you. You advocated for what you wanted. On to the next for you!

8. You tried to work with him, now he needs to go work on it himself! A counsellor and some compassion for his own self will go a long way. Be firm that it’s not penetrative sex that’s the issue, it’s the all-or-nothint focus on it that’s an issue. I know I struggle with how I feel about my body, but hell if I’m letting that get in the way of intimacy and enjoyment of my own self. And it def helps to get counseling, I can say.

   Best of luck!

9. Honestly this situation shows one thing – this man is selfish and lazy. If ED was really a problem he should be seeking professional help or counselling, at the very least he shouldn’t be dating. If weight really was an issue (his words) then that’s on him to lose the pounds. Sounds like he was just trying to see how long he could keep stringing you along because he liked the attention.

10. I dated a guy who had ED and all our focus was on him. A few months in we were kind of able to solve the problem, but our sex had gone extremely one sided. His definition of a good session was if he was able to do it for longer than 30 sec, and nothing else seemed to matter. He made it seem like he cared, but he didn’t. Also no cuddles afterwards.

    So yeah, I wish I would have taken the surrounding warning flags more seriously instead of just focusing on fixing his ED. Oh well. I’m happy you listened to your gut and your needs!

11. Foreplay is a large part of “performing” when you’re having sex with a woman. A man who has properly educated himself about sex doesn’t need his dick to make a woman cum. It sounds like you’re making the right choice.

12. Yep. He needs to work on his ED issues and see a Dr. His pp issues are not your responsibility, they are his to sort out.

    Not okay that he engages in sex with you, is bad at foreplay, doesn’t get hard, and then leaves you hanging, because his ego was bruised. He sounds extremely selfish.

13. Thanks for sharing your update and you are totally right about being done with him. It is making me feel better about my own ED I had with the woman I was previously dating. At least we had hourly long makeout and foreplay sessions, made sure she was getting orgasms, and hey if I was lucky she sometimes even made me cum. Even though we ‘failed’ to have PIV sex, it was a wonderful time for how long it lasted. Wish this poor guy could have the same attitude. Its just mindset afterall

14. Good on you. This seems like a lot of work for something so new. He seems to be living out some negative self fulfilling prophecy of failing at dating.

15. My bf and I had a similar situation when we were first intimate. I was very supportive and understanding and told him that I thought we were both just nervous. He wanted to leave and I said to please stay and we’ll just spend a nice night together binge watching and getting something to eat. He did… reluctantly at first… then admitted after we were finally able to successfully able to be intimate if I hadn’t don’t that he would’ve never had the courage to see me again. It just depend on how patient and how understanding you’re willing to be, and how much you want it to work. I’m so happy I have my guy!!

16. Ok, so honestly as someone who has had mild ED due to the emotional trama I was going through, I still enjoyed watching my partner get off. Yeah, I never orgasmed but hot damn, watching my partner get off almost got me close! Either way it was enjoyable and I liked watching her be all super cuddly after. Kind of bonus to the ED was being able to cuddle right after and not feel all gross or worried my baby batter would be dripping all over the sheets.

17. Good luck. Don’t date projects.

    ED is a mind fuck, but he could have approached this openly and candidly. Gone to a doctor. Proactively set up appointments with a sex therapist to talk through this.

    And, unfortunately, he’s doing the absolute worst thing for ED. Rushing through foreplay so that he can PERFORM. He’s fucking guaranteeing that he won’t get an erection.

    He should have been open to taking PIV completely off the table – cuddled, kissed, touched, hung out in bed. With zero pressure and just rolling around, touching and hanging out, erections will often happen.

    When he’s intent on a rock-hard erection and plowing your brains out, not going to happen.

    But he’s gotta to do all that work and figuring out himself. Not your job to coach him!!

18. I have legitimately broken up with guys for this same reason. I do think that as we get older we’re bound to encounter more guys who are struggling with this, so part of it’s just recognizing that this is a thing that happens to a lot of people and deal with it as gracefully as you can, but if it gets to a certain point where your needs just aren’t being met, then it’s okay to break it off.

    ED is something that (probably) every relationship that includes a penis is going to encounter eventually, and with my more established partners it’s definitely something I can roll with. There’s lots of ways we can please each other if penetration just ain’t gonna happen! But early in the relationship if the guy is navigating erectile issues — especially new ones that he’s never experienced before — at a certain point I just have to call a hard “stop”. I **need** to establish intimacy and know that we’re sexually compatible before I get too invested, and *for me* that includes penetrative sex. If I’ve been dating somebody for a month or so and an erection never visits the scene of our bedroom …. I’m sorry, but I’m out.

19. I’m so glad you’re moving on!! Dealing with these intense of insecurities so early on…he should NOT be dating right now!

20. If I had ED, I’d try my best to focus on the other things that would help you to reach that climax and just be more involved than revolve around that “part”, then perhaps would be able to meet again or something idk. Good luck in the future OP

21. Very kind of you for giving him another chance and letting know this is over, In this era of ghosting and blocking this is very mature of you. Good luck next time.

22. It’s refreshing to read such a healthy response/update here (from you obviously, not his actions!). Kudos & best of luck!!

23. Eeeshhh, I relate to your post so much. The last ‘relationship’ I was starting, most things were going well but I had a few red flags too over his inability to be a good communicator, but also a massive red flag on the sex side of things. We broke things off 4 months in, but I definitely was going to have to bring it up if everything else had continued going on smoothly. Intercourse with him lasted no more than 2 minutes and finished when he came. Foreplay to him was touching me over my underwear for a couple minutes. We only ever had sex once in an evening and no morning sex. In the initial months of dating, this is awkward to address but it highlighted to me that good sex is important. Also underlying things, he must have known sex wasn’t good for me but he ignored talking about it and didn’t try to make things better for me. Talk about sexual inequality and being selfish. Like if you know you have premature ejaculation issues, then step up your game and make sure your partner is satisfied in other ways!! Anyway rant over, but well done to you for not going along with this.

24. Doesnt sound promising. I would move on. In addition to the ED issues (which HE has to fix, not you, because its a combo of health and mental/anxiety problems) he is also giving signs of only being interested in a sexual relationship. Unless thats what youre only wanting to (casual sex or fwb) then this is not gonna work.

25. To me his response reads like coping from some sort of trauma regarding performing. It’s not your cross to bear but i think he has gotten some sort of shaming in the past about his manhood and such. It sucks that he’s self sabotaging so hard

26. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. This definitely seems to be a communication issue (from his side) and could potentially bleed out into every area of life/the relationship – skirting around difficult topics.
    I spent nearly 4 years hoping my ex would become more comfortable with communication. I wish I was as assertive and confident as you!

27. >As someone who has stayed in relationships with glaring red flags because they were otherwise good men, it’s important to be confident and decisive in what I want. I’ll be letting him know we are just incompatibile.

    That’s awesome. Sounds like growth!

28. It’s more important that you HANDLE problems well than simply not have problems in the first place. In this particular instance, there are other ways to please your partner. You don’t pull away, you don’t shy away from other forms of intimacy or connection, you simply switch gears and move onto the next item in your bag of tricks. It’s not all about your dick. Things don’t work as well after a certain age, that’s ok. New partners can be a challenge for some people, that’s ok too. Just be attentive and open to alternatives and not so “in your own head” that you can’t switch gears. Ladies who have been around a while can tell you… there’s more than one way to have an orgasm and there’s more than one way to feel connected to a partner.

29. I commend you for giving him another chance, but also caring enough about your own well-being to know when you’re done.

30. He definitely needs to work on himself before getting into a relationship with anybody. Otherwise, it’ll be like walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his insecurities constantly which sounds exhausting, honestly.

31. I mean being honest, if someone wanted to have sex with me and I couldn’t get it up I would still go to town. Soooo much you can still do, and if your willing an erection isn’t required for an orgasm. This shows he’s got some other issues possibly. Probably best to bail on it

32. I’m proud of you showing such self respect! You know what you need from a relationship and he’s not able to provide that. Good for you!

    I’ve also had relationships with men with various ED issues. One guy when it struck would just roll away from me and stop proceedings, and just pretend nothing was happening. It was quite bizarre! I’d say “are you okay?” and he’d reply “yeah, I’m fine” really casually. And that’d be that. I’d be thinking well… you could focus on me? But no, that’d be us finished.

    The next guy it only happened on our first time together, I could tell he was struggling and suggested we just had a cuddle instead. He texted me after he’d gone and said he was mortified and would understand if I never wanted to see him again. I told him not to be silly, and we could take it slow, and then it was never a problem again after that.

    The third guy, who I’m still with now, was much more relaxed about the situation. He’d say “ah, think I’m just a bit tired/stressed/too many pain killers today”, and then just focus on me instead and we’d still have a lovely time! Then after a few weeks it stopped happening.

    I think men think it’s a much bigger issue than it is, and get themselves all shameful and anxious about it, which just makes it worse. It’s so much less of an issue if you can just communicate with each other and enjoy time together without expectations.
    You were really patient and understanding with him, and if he’d been less defensive he could have built something good with you. He missed that chance by not being prepared to be open and vulnerable. It’s a shame for him, but he needs to work on himself more before he can consider having a relationship, really.

33. His disqualification has nothing to do with ED and everything to do with self-esteem and resilience.

    You handled this/him with grace and maturity. You’re an example to Redditors everywhere.

34. This has happened to me with a few partners. Performance anxiety ED. The ones I’ve kept went “well this is embarrassing” and then immediately moved on to whatever sex stuff they could do with their hands and faces. The ones I’ve dumped kept doing a dance of distracted foreplay and awkward attempts at penetration. I don’t think I’ve had a guy build a funeral pyre and burn the relationship down while mourning his dick while I’m laying naked beside him.

    You did everything right and he did everything wrong.

35. ED or not, the exclusive focus on penetrative sex would be a dealbreaker for me. Lots of guys have nervous ED, especially when hooking up for the first few times (at least in my experience). If they’re fun and good in bed it doesn’t matter, there’s so many other sex things to do: toys, hands, mouths, even just making out for hours is a good time. He’s making sex unnecessarily stressful.

36. I can’t believe how much lesbian content many straight men watch and still walk away thinking an erect peen is the only possible way to sex.

37. He’s so self absorbed in a pity party for himself that he doesn’t even see you, I don’t blame you for moving on.

38. Aw that sucks OP. I’ve dated guys with ED and sex only improved with the guys who focused on non- dick sex. They gained some confidence and our “problem” became a blip in the past instead of the present. Those who focused on their dick-apointment just gave the ED monster the attention it needed to stick around.

    >As someone who has stayed in relationships with glaring red flags because they were otherwise good men, it’s important to be confident and decisive in what I want. I’ll be letting him know we are just incompatibile.

    I love this sub for this. Bearing witness to others’ growth is so encouraging, even when a bit bittersweet.

39. i think straight men need to realize that sex is not just about penetration, the obsession with penetration is often the underlying psychological issue with ED.

40. I hate to say I saw this coming. Unfortunately, for some men, ED is just too much of a blow to the ego and they do not deal with it in a healthy way (or seek ways to fix it, if possible), so it just ruins every situation they get into when intimacy comes up. They just end up making the other person feel weird and awkward. And, in some cases, rushing into sex again to “prove something”. Like, even if we can’t have sex, it doesn’t mean you just push the other person away like that or get so defeated if it happens again. Good on you for deciding to move on. At some point, he’ll start taking his issue seriously and not just sit around moping. I do feel sorry for him because, he will start running into women who will be brutal about it and it’ll make things worse.

41. If you encounter this again, he should stop jerking it at least a week before he meets you. Death grip is a real thing.

    And there is no excuse for not foreplay and to not make you can in alternative manners. But that goes for all partners.

42. I do not think his problem is nerves. He probably has some porn addiction or something. Good riddance.

43. Well done for looking after yourself and not choosing to ‘solve’ someone.

    It’s dreadful, but this guy can only help himself out of this hole.

    You don’t need to get down there with him.