*edit: this is not an insult post for men.

*edit 2 : did not expect this to blow up. Thanks for some great comments !

40 comments

  1. Most Men get little to no female attention. So when a Woman is friendly it is seen as more.

  2. A lot of men don’t get a lot of affection in their life. So they mistake kindness for attraction.

  3. Because they’re starved for any female attention and can’t tell the difference.

  4. And on the flip side… why do women often think that a guy is into her just because we’re talking to her? Kinda works both ways lol.

  5. It’s because of the different ways that men and women perceive what friendship is.

    With men, we were taught that we are tough, we dont share our feelings, and so men (for the most part) will never reveal their vulnerabilities to their friends. Women friendships however, will do just that. They talk about their feelings, vulnerabilities, etc. So for a man, when you open up and tell him about your feelings and are soft with him, because he doesn’t do that with his male (platonic) friends, he assumes that you’re being vulnerable because you want a relationship. When in reality, that’s what friendship is to you (and what it should be no matter who the friendship is between) and he’s reading into what isn’t actually there.

    (Copy and pasted my reply from another thread asking a similar question. Easier than having to retype it all lol.)

  6. When men are deprived of female attention, even the littlest interaction seems as an interest on the part of the woman.

  7. Because it’s so damn rare for someone (other than close family and friends) to be nice or friendly to a man.

  8. Because one person’s just being friendly is another’s flirting. Add on top of that that most men get zero attention from women, which adds to the confusion.

  10. One reason could be men don’t get much attention so they mistake kindness or friendliness as attraction.

    But also, OP, answer me this: Why do women send mixed or confusing signals that make it difficult for men to tell if they are into them or not instead of just stating their intentions up front?

  11. It happens both ways.
    a) flirting gets seen as being friendly
    b) being friendly gets seen as flirting

    One major reason is that each woman is different and acts in different ways.

    The friendlyness of one is the flirting of another and vice versa.

    It’s impossible to tell.

  13. Cause as a man, you sometimes feel pretty lonely, with weeks going on without even some person asking how you are.
    So any attention towards you is highly valued and wants to be kept.

  15. Because we’re biologically programmed to ensure the continuation of the species so it’s fundamental to our existence.

  16. I think it’s a very complex topic regarding many specific situations.

    As someone with many different experiences in that field, sometimes it’s hard to distinguish. I’ve encountered a few times women who were very touchy, danced and hug me in ways many men (and women) would consider too intimate, to be just being friendly. Oftentimes I leaned in for kiss and it worked, approx. 20% of the time they were just being friendly.

    But, of course, there are people out there who think that talking friendly to them is a valid sign of flirting and interprete too much in basic communication. But then you have sometimes the case, that women who just talk to talk to you in a normal way are too shy to flirt when they actually want more. So it’s a bit of a gamble.

    Men in general are anxious that they are perceived as creepy when they try to do more with women, but for a while now, if I’m sure about it, I try it. There are healthy ways to get along with rejection and if you don’t behave like an idiot and be calm, you will keep your dignity

  17. Why do most women become territorial around men they refer to as “friends”, especially when another cute female is around?

    Why do most women insist on monopolizing a guys time to infinity with endless text chats well into the night when they only see them as “friends”?

    Why do most women “friends” often have an expectation that a guy friend will pay when we are grabbing dinner?

    Why do most women feel entitled to an explanation from men they see as friends regarding a new girlfriend on the horizon?

    Mixed signals are a thing, my dear. If you act and speak like a woman interested, you’ll be taken as one.

  18. This is bcuz most men haven’t had a woman be good to them in ages. So when a woman is good to them they will think she’s especially interested in him.

  19. I’ve gotten better with this. But in my younger days it was really just that shocking to me to get any positive attention from women so I had no idea what it meant when it happened. Didn’t help that people in my life such as my parents kinda added to this by telling me “maybe _____ has a crush on you”

  20. I usually consider a friendly woman just friendly, but more than once I then came to learn thanks to mutual acquaintances that what I considered “friendly behavior” was in their opinion “flirting” and “dropping hints”. It might be that some other men err on the other side. And I guess many do just hit on whoever they think might give them a chance.

  22. I feel that women are very ambiguous on the friendly-attracted spectrum, so much so that even they themselves sometimes can’t tell. Other times they conveniently scoot over to the other side at the drop of a hat.

    I had a flatmate who used to hangout with this female friend for years. They would carpool to work everyday and then spend weekends getting drunk in the pub. Both of them were single for years and when finally my flatmate agreed to an arranged marriage and was going to fly to his country to get engaged, this girl stops him and confesses that she is in love with him. They’re married now.

    My cousin got close to his classmate and then she moved to Spain. They kept in touch over chat and text and things got far enough that he decided to fly to spain to see her. He ended up sleeping on her couch as she slept with other dudes in the bedroom.

    I started having sex with a female friend I’ve known for a couple of years when we were both recently single. She found another guy and moved on. I was ok with it because that was the deal but I haven’t heard from her since.

    Of course we’ve all also heard of the “if we don’t find somebody by the time we’re 35 let’s get together”

    I’m not saying all women are like this. I’m just saying that while men do sometimes misread friendly behaviour from women, there are also many cases women switch positions for their convenience.

    If you think this response his a bit heavy-handed, I invite you to have a second look at your question.

  23. I usually assume the opposite until they are naked sitting on top of me in my bed tbh

    But I can understand why some people would be fooled. There’s been a ton of times where I’m like ‘she seems nice’ and it turns out she’s actually in to me, even with married women. Then there’s other times where girls have been texting me til 2am and talk to me every day and then aren’t interested in me. I don’t think there’s a great formula for figuring it out

  25. Do most men think this? Your presumption is highly debatable, and I’d love to know why you think it’s true apart from anecdote.

    If anything *my* default mode is total obliviousness. I always assume that women are just being platonically friendly and then I find out later I was being checked out and chatted up. I went to my stepfather’s practice for a consult one day and I learned after the fact that all the nurses and receptionists (for context they were mostly older women with some young ones here and there) were asking about me. My ears weren’t burning that day. They were stone cold and it went totally over my head. That’s what happens when you don’t like your looks but the opposite sex insists you’ve got something that they can see and you can’t.

  26. I think there’s an element of some men being starved of female attention, so any attention must equal a crush.

    But I also think there’s an element of ambiguity when women genuinely do have a crush on someone. There often isn’t a huge difference in how women treat guys they like as friends and guys they see as potential partners, so trying to figure that out can often be a minefield.

    I’ve had people who I’m convinced just want to be friends, and months/years down the line they’ll tell me they wanted more.

  27. on the flip side alot of men also can’t read signs for shit, meaning that they only find out years later that a woman was into them.

    so here’s a quick perspective, I am all for men being the one to decipher non-verbal cues or reading subtle signs of attraction/non-attraction from women, no problem there. But to make it fair should we then agree that because men bear the burden of having to decode a woman’s indirect communication that it’s okay for men to get it wrong now and then without any shame?

    I’m not saying you OP, but for people to shame a man by saying “OMG I CANT BELIEVE HE THOUGHT I LIKED HIM” or “I CANT BELIEVE THE IDIOT DIDNT PICK UP ON MY SIGNS” is an unfair social expectation. We have (which i fully accept btw) the difficult task of reading peoples minds, we should at least not get shit for getting it wrong sometimes.

    Although, yes I do admit people need criticism when they’re wrong so that we know limitations, but i think it shouldn’t be something to be shamed for and for us to possibly not want to do again. Idk. seems like it probably best is how it is lol.

  29. This being a thing is why some men dont take hints no matter how obvious they are

  31. Not all women are the same. What defines attraction for one girl may define friendliness for another, that’s what trips me up. That’s why conversely, girls complain about guys not picking up on hints.

    One girls hints are another girls casual remarks, it’s no surprise guys don’t want to roll the dice to find out which is which.

  32. I think there are several reasons. Men get way too little female attention so any crumb might be seen as affection. Men are also socialized into only valuing women ans romantic/sexual partners. Men have been fed media their entire lives where the stars just align and then she’s “the one”. Men are socialized to feel entitled to women so any niceness might be seen as an opportunity for more.

  33. I say this as a male who hasn’t been single for much of my adult life, but think it can genuinely be difficult to tell.

    All women are different. In 35 years I have met:
    – women who are friendly with everyone they meet
    – women who flirt with everyone they meet
    – women who are mostly only friendly with people they want relationships or at least friendships with (i.e. introverts)
    – women who flirt mostly only with people they are into

    Flirting can be overt or more subtle. Usually the more subtle flirts are more attractive.

  34. Because most people aren’t nice to us and we’re not used to people that are, so our brain goes “is this attraction?”

  35. Probably because a lotof women consider eye contact to be flirting. Women speak in woman, lots of men don’t. Their signs are too subtle sometimes… They want the men to ‘notice them’ and ‘chase them’ but itsnot always effective to communicate that way. Being up front, direct and talking to men takes more confidence which is attractive as is kindness. Actually speaking to someone and getting to know their awesome personality is way, way, more attractive than someone ‘sitting nearby in the cafeteria’ or oogling from a distance.

  36. Well, I think part of the problem is some overtly flirtatious women wait way too long before mentioning they have a SO. There was a post earlier about a guy flirting with a girl for weeks back and forth. Getting into “raunchy,” topics and all around giving off interest vibes. Then he sees a call come up and asked who it was and she said it was her SO. She didn’t mention it for so long, I suspect, because she enjoyed the attention he was giving her. She’ll hide behind “I was just being friendly,” but anyone who’s been in that situation knows it’s bullshit.

    Conversely for women, it’s shitty when a guy you work or are in close proximity with regularly stops acting friendly when they are upfront about having a SO.

    I’d say the former example is why guys are so confused and the later is a result of jaded and/or shallow men.

  38. Girls communicate interest by making themselves available and talkative. Girls communicate friendship by making themselves available and talkative. The signals are identical

  39. Because I can be out in a group with some new people with one woman who talks to me non stop, asks me questions about myself, and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, only for her to mention her boyfriend at the very end of the night. Meanwhile there was another woman there who only gave one-syllable answers making conversation impossible. The next day I get a message from our mutual friend that silent girl is really upset that I didn’t talk to her more and try to get her number.

    Women make absolutely no sense and there is zero consistency from one woman to another. The women who want you act like they despise you and the women who have no interest in you whatsoever will capitalize your attention for hours and hours. None of it makes any sense and I hope I stay married for the rest of my life because I don’t want to go back to that world where everything is upside down and backwards and nothing anybody says or does is any indication of their true intentions.

  40. Because too many women don’t just say what they mean. Its some stupid outdated societal thing.

    I’ve had a girl tell me she was so into me for a year and gave me all the signals when the only signal i want to see or hear is a simple ‘let’s date’.

    I took the chance with the first woman who did that and its my happy 10th anniversary this year.

    Most men don’t think women are into them at all to directly address your question, most are just shooting their shot and the few are various kind of asshole.

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