I (21f) got to know my boyfriend (24m) two years ago as we were working at same place. His past relationship hurt him so much that he actually didn’t want anything to do with women and didn’t want any relationship at all.
He’s been single for 2,5 years after his last relationship and then he met me, we fell in love, couldn’t hold ourselves and decided to try this relationship.
Before we came together, he told me everything what happened in the past, what he had with women in general. He is a type of person who’s only in for sexual stuffs when in relationship, so during that 2,5 years he ofc haven’t got closer to any woman except one time.. And at that time, he told me what exactly happened but didn’t tell me who it was. (He just told me it was with one of his friends) He’s alledly ashamed of what happened and regrets it even now.
So what exactly happened is: One night, he was having a drink with his female bestie at his home and she told him about her sexual insecurity that she couldn’t get wet in general and asked him if he can finger her to “try” and help her out. So he somehow started fingering her and things escalated to her giving him a blowjob. After a while, things were not comfortable for him (idk if he just lost his reality for a moment..? Which I somehow couldn’t really understand) and they stopped. Thats basically what he told me. I don’t really know the exact details but it bothers me how especially he allowed something like that to happen and how she took his panties off to get fingered or how he took his panties off to let her suck him..
We got into this topic 2,3 weeks ago and somehow I couldn’t get rid off of it from my head. So I insisted that he tells me who it was. I expected it to be someone who he has probably no contact with anymore but it turned out to be his close friend. She was the person I almost excluded from the people who it could be. But it was her. She’s the only female close friend who he texts everyday, talks and meets regularly. I mean I dont care if it was just someone. But the person who he did that stuff is the person who he is the closest to.. and that bothers me.
Relationship has a lot of layers like getting intimate at intellectual, emotional, spiritual and then ofc romatic and sexual level. And what im thinking is that a friendship can be at all the levels except the romantic and sexual intimacy. But he already had sexual intimacy with his friend.. It just bothers me now everytime she writes him or meets him just the two of them alone.
He also told me he didn’t have any problem telling it to me back then and now. The reason why he didnt’t tell it to me was he knew that I would make a drama out of it and hat i would get annoyed at everything related to her etc. he told me he just wanted to spare me that stress.. But i think if that person was that best friend of him, he should have told me even sooner.
Idk what I should do now.. I mean I cant tell them to stop being friends but I hate it to see them together. I play this scenario of them over and over in my head and its just disgusting. What can i do about it now? Or am I just overreacting..
TL DR: my bf got sexually intimate with his close friend before we came together. He told me he had a sexual history but didn’t tell me it was her. I just thought he’s probably no longer in contact with that person, but she was his closest friend. They text and meet regularly and im not comfortable about it now. I don’t know how to handle it.. What should I do?
5 comments
Nope he should have told you.
You need to communicate that this is making you uncomfortable plus the fact he lied for over 2 years and never told you the truth about their relationship makes it even worse.
Even now he is protecting her feelings and putting her feelings first over you. He didn’t want to risk his friendship by being honest with you.
Sounds like you are overreacting and making a problem out of nothing. I don’t see any issues here except that you are uncomfortable. It sounds like when he was single and she was single, they tried something sexual and it went badly and they decided they had no sexual connection. And it’s now well in the past and irrelevant. So, why do you care? You should just stop thinking about a brief, failed bit of experimentation between them that is pretty meaningless.
Feeling this way is valid. Doesn’t mean that he was wrong. Just means that you’re allowed to feel this way. It will not go away, you’ll have to deal with your emotions. Look at it as objectively as you can. There was no issues until you discovered who it was. There was no hint of any infidelity with her this entire time. He was honest then. He was honest now. It was before you two were together. You’ve had 2.5 good years together. Is it worth being upset about? I wish I had better advice.
Would it be any different to you if it had been a male friend he talks to and sees regularly?
IMO when a guy “nopes out” of a sexual situation, he generally isn’t gonna go back and try that again. It was before y’all were together and shouldn’t be of any issue to your relationship.
While your entitled to your feelings it was before you and not really any of your business. As for now it’s either trust him or not, explain your problem if it’s still not resolved to Botha satisfaction then you with have to trust him more or move on.