Hey all
My (21) bf (21) and I have been together for over a year. It’s the best relationship I’ve had. He is a very attentive, caring and sensitive man. It’s his first relationship.
As the title says, I’m his whole support system. He doesn’t get along with his parents and he doesn’t have many friends. The ones he has, he doesn’t see often, although I’ve told him to try and see them more often. I like being there for my partner and helping him, that’s also what a relationship is for. But my bf doesn’t handle stress well. Like at all. He takes everything to heart and it makes him insecure when someone criticizes him. He has a lot of stress at work and at home and he is struggling. I try to support him as much as I can, but it’s getting too much for me. I’ve suggested so many times to see a therapist, because I think this could really help him. He always says he’ll look into it, but he never does. Being the only person in his life that truly cares for him is just too much pressure. I feel obligated to stay in this relationship, because if I would break up with him, his whole world would shatter and he would probably fall into a depression and his grades would drop. He is so attached to me. But I really don’t want to hurt him, he is the kindest guy ever.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m thankful for all advice.
tl;dr: I’m kind of the therapist for my bf. He is very attached to me and the pressure is getting too much. Don’t know what to do. (I have suggested therapy multiple times).
2 comments
First, you decide if you want to be with him for you or just to not hurt him. If the former, great. If the latter, you break up anyway. A relationship isn’t going to work out of pity.
Second, if you stay you tell him you love him, but you cannot maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is unhealthy and unnatural for one person to be somebody’s sole emotional support. So, from now on you will be setting limits on how much emotional support you give him, such that you can maintain a reasonable amount that is comfortable for you and will not tear the two of you apart or harm you. You hope he will take steps to both get a therapist and make closer friendships, because you find it unlikely the relationship will last if he does not plus not doing so is dangerous and decreases his life expectancy and also his likely quality of life, but you recognize that it’s his life and he can make these choices for himself. But you will not enable him by providing as much emotional support as you have been providing.
Maybe it’s time to stop suggesting therapy and make it a condition of continuing the relationship. Because I cannot imagine the incredible amount of stress it must be to be somebody’s entire social support system. It’s supposed to by a system. Multiple people. Family, friends, therapist, etc. Your bf is putting an incredible amount of pressure on you and on the relationship. You are neither educated nor qualified to function as a therapist for him, and even if you were, you lack the objectivity to be effective anyway.
Your bf has some emotional heavy lifting he has to do. He needs somebody who knows what they’re doing. And honestly? Maybe modeling for him the behavior you want to see would be helpful. Go get a therapist for yourself, and ask to work on setting boundaries with your bf around this behavior.