Why can’t my boyfriend get the hint?

50 comments

1. Stop hinting! Guys can be incredibly dense, sometimes you have to just go for it, take the initiative and he’ll get the message!

2. It seems like he’s gotten the hint but doesn’t want it. Have you two had an actual conversation about sex, your wants, his wants, boundaries, etc.? Him saying saying he’s too tired or stressed doesn’t count as communication.

3. If I need attention from my boyfriend while he’s playing his game or watching tv I just come lay in his lap or hug him and flat out tell him “I need attention right now” and we’ll just cuddle and talk and then go back to what we were doing before.

   However I don’t feel like I have to do this all the time, you definitely need to tell him flat out that you are feeling like he’s not paying attention to you

4. Hints aren’t working, or they are and he’s ignoring them. You’re going to need to graduate from hints and have an actual conversation. Ask him how he’s been feeling lately and talk about your needs that aren’t being met.

5. Touch might not be his “love language”. (Love languages is a good topic to read a book on btw) As counterintuitive as it may seem, a lot of men don’t have touch as their first love language.

   You need to have a conversation with him and see what his love languages are and let him know that one of yours IS physical touch and that doesn’t mean sex all the time, but could be as simple as holding hands, touching feet under a table or blanket, pinching your butt while walking by, cudling with a book while he games, or even a good deep hug. Let him know that you value sex as a part of a relationship and how you feel.

6. I would definitely say explore each other’s love languages. And maybe he takes the hints but doesn’t know how to reciprocate it back in the way you want it. In some cases, I wouldn’t try to hint things. One thing you should do, is show and not tell. You can also do it to where you’re not forcing the situation or validation. Sometimes you just have to provoke him a bit without forcing it. Keep with the sexy outfits, but don’t tell him WHY you’re wearing it. Show him affection and arousal. Conduct a morning and night routine and ritual that can increase your bond. Recognize your partner’s body languages, moves, and his “schedule.” And then try to master the art of the room and work your way around the energy and become the attention and attraction. Sometimes you have to stop doing things for him in order to get his attention, and that also works too. You want him to expect the unexpected. Also, think of what’s something you haven’t done, and what’s the opposite of what you have done that can work. A little reverse psychology.

7. After 5 years, maybe consider you deserve better and it might not be with him. Just something to consider.

8. First things first, just like everyone here says regularly, talk to him about it, explain your concerns and discuss it like adults.

   Other than that, it sounds like either he’s just low sex-drive (possibly ace? hard to tell with this little info) or there’s a bigger discussion that needs to be had.

   Poor communication kills! Guys don’t get hints, and are slow to act on the ones they do notice. In my experience, gals tend to get frustrated when we don’t notice right away, or don’t act on it right away. Be open, honest, and above all, *do not beat around the bush!* If you tell a guy “I’m worried there might be an issue between us” he likely won’t think “Oh! We need to have a talk about our sex life!” Instead, he’s more liable to think along the lines of “Huh. Wonder what she’s worked up about?” Instead, say you need to have a serious talk about your sex life, and once that talk starts, make sure to say that you’re worried about how little he seems to notice you or your needs/wants. Be as direct as possible, and while you shouldn’t force somebody to talk about something they’re too uncomfortable with, you should at least fight for a real, solid answer as to what’s in his head when you do things like give massages, or offer to go down on him.

   TLDR: Be honest, open, direct, and ask what’s going on in his head. You’ll probably learn something new! (Whether that something new is good or bad, depends on the situation and is outside my purview)

9. There’s different perspectives.
   1st. He’s a direct person, so unless you tell him directly , he won’t get the hint, because he can’t grasp intentions under your actions.
   2. He knows but he’s tired and doesn’t want to do it.
   3.He’s not that into you.

   I’d suggest you have a talk about this, because if you’re not satisfied, you’ll end up repressing negativity which in a long run will make you resent him or yourself for putiing up with it and not leaving sooner.

10. All of menkind here. Hints are useless on us. We’re basically learning disabled about sexual hints so learn to be direct. We actually like it when women are direct with us.

11. You mentioned about him being busy. If his work is keeping him busy and also may be stressed out , perhaps that is one area that should be worked on.
    Have there been any performance issues ? If so, that can play on the mind and make him avoid intimacy when he knows he is busy and cannot focus completely and which i think is different than low libido.

12. So many people talk about low libido like it’s an inherent trait. If he had a bigger interest in sex before, and it’s been 5 years, he could very well have some hormones out of wack.

    It’s pretty cheap to get hormones tested. I’d mainly would want to look at free/total testosterone, estradiol, progesterone, prolactin and a few others. I got mine tested myself w no doc at PrivateMDLabs.com and they actually refunded me for it since all was in normal range (promo they have right now). Also look into PT-141 and Capergorline, though neither are a long term solution.

13. It sounds like you have tried several ways directly and indirectly and it hasn’t made much difference. He is pushing you away – does it really matter why? He either does not have the resources for a relationship or his feelings are not there. It’s pretty clear he is not prepared to change things long term. I think it’s time to move on – don’t waste any more time. Sorry it’s been so difficult for you.

14. Ask him to buy you sexy lingerie, maybe he is seeing you differently.
    Maybe this will break the ice.

15. To be frank, stop hinting. Men cannot read your mind. If you want to participate in a sexual activity, initiate it. You have to have very direct communication and interactions in relationships about your needs and wants. If not, you will be disappointed and your partner is not at fault if they never knew they were not meeting these requirements.

16. Be open and honest with him about your needs. Find out if he is stressed or overworked. Definitely be up front and initiate. If this doesn’t work There is a good chance he is LL or low libido . At that point either he has to commit to fixing his problem. Or you need to get a new boyfriend.

17. You know how my GF “hints” when she’s subtle? “Wanna have sex?”. Works every time. Men aren’t really subtle creatures most of the time, make it obvious if subtle doesn’t work, we aren’t mind readers.

18. Try the reverse. Sometimes guys like to be challenged instead of something handed to them

19. Stop asking. Just pull out his dick and give him a BJ. Men suck with hints.

    (Assuming you are already in a sexual relationship and this would be consensual – obviously if he says no then respect it)

20. From a guys PoV, we don’t get hints, be blunt.
    Also, me personally, if I think I may be not as clean as I’d like to be (just finished work or overdue a shower) I’d decline until I was feeling fresh

21. Or maybe find for a new boyfriend. You cook, clean, do laundry and dress sexy? Give me a call!

    Seriously, this is s huge problem in marriages. If he isn’t meeting your emotional needs then move on before you have 3 kids.

22. When guys do what you are doing, it’s considered to be creating covert contracts. “If I do this for him now, he’ll want to have sex with me later”. In a sense, you may be coming across as a nice girl. All the fawning over him may make you look desperate in your eyes and therefore not as “valuable”.

    Your best bet is to simply communicate. You both need to lay your cards on the table and discuss what you two need in order for this relationship to work for both of you.

23. >>Edit: I give him massages and cook for him and do his laundry too

    Hi, you got some good advice here, but this might be the problem. You stopped being his “girlfriend” and have become his maid/mom.

    I could very well be wrong, but the thought came to me. It’s not just the sexy outfits, it’s the daily interaction. Maybe stop attending to him and find yourself. Maybe go out, take some classes, explore the world, be you. He doesn’t “see” you anymore and that’s the problem. Fast forward, when you by chance meet someone who does see you, you’ll end up leaving this guy. But don’t let it happen again.

24. Idk if it’s been said yet,but too much time with a person can be overestimating and bad for sex. The pandemic made my sex life less good because we were around each other daily and didn’t get out,and were both people that need a few days a week apart.

    Is his job stressful? That’ll put the brakes on a libido easily. That’s gonna be something in every relationship at some point,and working through it is essential.
    For us,that means talking about what we’re ok with receiving or doing sometimes and working out a good compromise so someone isn’t feeling uncomfortable and someone isn’t feeling rejected.

    This suggestion Is not too specific,but maybe the times you suggest sex are just bad times,and he’s not following through when the bad times are over. I know for myself that I’m less into sex the later it is(like bedtime) because I’m just too tired often. Or maybe he ate too much or something that’s bloating him and he’s uncomfortable and not communicating it.

    Overall, it’s something worth talking about productively,not just you getting what you want and how you want it,but finding out if there’s something putting on the brakes for him,and figuring out what kinda of attention he’s ok giving when he’s not in the mood,and ways you can signal it to him that he’ll respond to.

    It’s obvious you’re willing to put in the work and that’s great even if it’s frustrating that it’s not working yet,but maybe you just haven’t found the thing he responds the best to yet.

    Your situation doesn’t sound like a deal breaker,or that there’s irreconcilable differences. You can totally get this worked out as long as you both care about each other and work together!

25. guys really don’t get hints so i bet if u are more straight forward he will get it 🥴

26. Just start doing things with him, we men are a bit obliveuis to some things.

27. God forbid; try communicating with your partner?

28. Could be cheating on you

29. Look maybe its not related but I cant help but give you my opnion on this. You mentioned that you do things for him and in return you expect atention. I would highly suggest you that you try and rewire your brain. When we are kids we are told that if we do this or that, something good happens. Naturally, when we do things for our SO, our brain tells us that now we have to recieve that “reward” for our good action. Im sure you are seeing the problem here. What if he started doing “good” things for you, and in return he spects a bj everytime. Does that sound fair to you? Its not ok to put expectations on others just because we did something good. If you are down to do his laundry or cook, do it because you want to do it, not because you want something back, otherwise that good actions just becomes a trade. Just my two cents

30. He does not want to have sex with you. Sorry.

31. Hope so he’s straight and into girls and not boys

    Or maybe he’s just not confident abt his body

32. Um, where’s a mirror when you need one?

33. listen, you’re super young. I saw your other post pictures. you’re dating some dude who’s just not that into you anymore and it’s not gonna get any better. I’m going to guess he’s also a young guy, so libido wouldn’t be it.. and how much can he have on his mind to NOT want a BJ.

    it’s a hard life lesson, but it sounds like you need to cut your losses; speak up, say hey I love you and I’m trying to make this work but what’s up with the low sex drive? he’ll either be honest with you and you’ll work something out or both will need to decide what to do. hint: break up.

34. I don’t care what I have going on or what I am doing. If my wife/ girlfriend walks around in a sexy outfit I’m at least going to grab her ass or pull her close to me for a kiss. If she hints at anything sexual or says she wants something. I am DONE with what I was doing. I can always go back to it later when we are done.

35. personally i think you should let him know you are not looking for a room mate and that you need a partner and a lover. not someone to look after or take care of. relationships are supposed to be a two way street and your relationship sounds like it is only going one way.

36. Friend of mine went through the same thing. In the end, after numerous conversations with him and her never being sexually satisfied, she ended things with him because they simply weren’t compatible in that area. So you may need to have the same thoughts and talk to him again and decide if it’s a deal breaker for you, and if it is, decide when to end things.

37. I’m a 31m pretty casual life with a high sex drive. There’s nothing that lights my face up more then my gf coming down in an outfit I mean honestly I could go 3 times a day with her and be happy about it even after 5 years I am always in the mood and even if I wasn’t at the time I would push myself to be in the mood to satisfy my gf. Its something we both really enjoy and get very excited about.. I’d say 85% of guys out there are dogs and we can’t take our eyes off you girls especially when you put in the effort, it sounds like he’s having problems with life or not enjoying some aspect of your relationship. I wouldn’t take it personally everyone is different and has different tastes/ fantasies but sounds like he really needs to open up to you before it destroys the relationship. People may think me narrow minded but you need a satisfying sex life to have healthy relationship in my opinion, even if he’s happy with the way things are you seem to really look after him and he should be giving something in return

38. I think maybe you guys are just different in terms of what you want and expect from the relationship. I see you’ve said it’s not entirely about the sex which makes sense, but if the situation gets better and then simmers down, it may be that he tries a bit so that he’ll satisfy you for a while and then goes back to what he’s comfortable with.
    He may just not want to put the same effort, passion, ect in – which is okay but you have a right to be treated how you want, and honestly it may be found elsewhere

39. Get a new boyfriend. What does he bring to the table? Seems like he’s a leech

40. Pardon me but if you are trying to go down on him and he’s too stupid to figure out what’s going on get a new boyfriend

41. Get naked in front of the TV if he still ignores you it’s time to pack your bags

42. Lol crazy how there are men in this situation, all the while there are other men who are so desperate for a woman to love. World is a crazy place.

43. We’re dumb. Just tell him you wanna fuck and he’ll be on board.

44. I will satisfied uour need

45. I think you are the one whos not getting the hint sadly.

46. Fuck this guy, trust me. I’ve worked with men for over 20 years and have fucked about 300. He doesn’t give a shit about you obviously. Be strong!

47. Dump him and come find me

48. If he won’t do anything and treat you right, I sure will. And if he is acting that way, he might be cheating

49. This sounds like he’s not into you anymore

50. Dump him. Move on. Take the hint(s).