We have been together for 6 years. I love him and want very much for things to work out, but at this point I’m starting to feel verbally (emotionally?) abused.
I’m trying to figure out how to talk to him. I’ve tried many times but he doesn’t seem to “get” it at all. He’ll apologize and then tell me I need to let go of anger. If I get angry at him (in the moment) it spirals into a bad verbal fight with yelling (from me too…and I hate acting like that). If I say nothing, he recovers and apologizes, but it happens again. And again. And again.
The pattern is we will be having a completely normal time then something (minor) will set him off and he’ll flip over to the “crazy” version of himself. When he’s this way he will say irrational things, call me an idiot (or something similar). When this happens, I usually freeze and my anxiety sky-rockets because it’s always so out of the blue and it’s never warranted.
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Quick example:
\- He’s out tonight and he texted me…we had a short pleasant conversation.
\- He asked me a couple of general questions and I completely misunderstood what he was asking and only answered one.
\- He said “*you didn’t even answer my question*”
\- I was making dinner at the same time, and I was genuinely confused. I said “*sorry, what question didn’t I answer?*”
\- He responded “*never mind, I don’t have time for this stupidity. You are literally too stupid to be with*”
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I’m left reeling from this. 10 minutes later he texted me clarifying the question that I misunderstood and he said “*sorry*”. I didn’t respond yet.
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But…that type of exchange happens so much. I’ll talk to him after these exchanges and tell him it’s not cool to flip out over such minor issues and call me names, and that he can just repeat (or clarify) the question instead of getting mad. That I’m not purposely being stupid. He agrees and apologizes. BUT IT KEEPS HAPPENING.
And each time he gets really mad (over pretty much nothing) he will pull out variations of these comments….”your stupidity hurts our relationship”, “our lives will go better if you don’t think”, “I can’t be with someone this stupid”.
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I don’t think I’m brilliant, but I also don’t think I’m as stupid as he tries to convince me I am. Most of the time these issues are so minor. If there is an actual issue (very rarely) it is one that can be so easily rectified. I don’t understand why he feels the need to make relationship-damaging comments like this all the time. And he wants me to just accept his apology and move on. I also want to add that when we discuss these issues, he keeps INSISTING that our perspectives are different. When I ask what his perspective is, he says that he feels I’m being purposely (stupid/disrespectful/selfish, etc). When I tell him of course I am not, and why would I do that? he just says “well, our perspectives are different….I react that way because I feel you are doing it on purpose”.
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So here I am on a Saturday night asking…what can I do? I do love him, and as I said I want this to work. I’m invested in our relationship and when he’s “normal” he’s great. I don’t know why this stuff keeps happening and I know I can’t prevent it because there usually isn’t anything to prevent. He just flips over to the “crazy” version randomly.
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Counselling? A mediator? I have no idea, but clearly I am not able to get through to him at all. Please, if anyone has any suggestions for something that can help communication I would be very grateful.
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tldr: my partner is normally great but frequently flips over to a “crazy” version of himself (very briefly) and verbally abuses me over nothing and then apologizes.
14 comments
That’s verbal and emotional abuse.
You need to calmly and firmly say “if you continue to speak to me this way, I can’t be in a relationship with you very much longer.”
What advice would you give to a friend who told you their SO called them “too stupid to be with?”
Partners do not call each other stupid. I can’t even fathom in what universe my partner would
speak to me like that. This is not switching into mean mode, he is abusive. An abusive person is always abusive.
Apologies without action to change are pointless. I don’t think you should stay with this guy, he’s an abuser. However if you do, next time he apologises ask him what concrete changes is he going to make to ensure the situation never happens again? I’ll bet he won’t have an answer to that, because he just expects you to keep putting up with it.
Also, if you’re too stupid to be in a relationship with, then why is he still there 6 years later? If he truly believed what he said, why hasn’t he ended the relationship years ago? Is it maybe because actually you’re not that bad and he just says these things to beat you down?
Holy fuck leave him immediately. Reminds me too much of my parents and how quickly it escalated to verbal and physical abuse, and she still hasn’t left, after over 20 years of this. Leave now.
He doesn’t switch to mean mode. He’d an asshole. I was married to a man just like this. 3 marriage counselors in 3 years, medication, etc. Nothing helps because he doesn’t want to change.
I left. It was only getting worse. Never ever better. Don’t waste anymore time on someone who is an unpredictable bully.
Emotional and verbal abuse. It’s already taking a hard toll on you judging by the way your post sounds. Your choice if you want to continue this battle for the rest of your life or find someone who isn’t bipolar.
>never mind, I don’t have time for this stupidity. You are literally too stupid to be with”
>my partner is normally great but **frequently** flips over to a “crazy” version of himself (very briefly) **and verbally abuses me** over nothing and then apologizes.
This isn’t a ‘crazy’ version of him. This is who he is. And it’s unacceptable to say these things. Especially to a life partner. It’s not OK.
Oh honey, this is abuse. You’re not stupid. Your partner is just tearing you down to control you. Like you’re seriously posting here about a guy who regularly name calls you and then blames you for his verbal abuse and your post is somehow about your desire to make this work. What kind of crap is that? You think you deserve that? You absolutely don’t.
6 years of abuse will warp your perception of normal. This is not normal. This is not love. This is abuse. It will be hard to leave at first but after a little while, you’ll suddenly realize that he was that tightness in your chest and you’ll be so relieved when he’s out of your life.
Imagine your absolute favorite food. It’s delicious, it’s the kind of thing you never want to stop eating. Now imagine a speck of shit on that food. You still want it because you love everything else except for that speck? Are you just going to eat around it?
If my husband called me stupid he wouldn’t be my husband anymore.
You’re being abused. He is an abuser. It is not advisable to go to therapy with an abuser, because they do not want to change their behavior, all they want is for you to accept their abuse. They will twist the therapist’s words to further abuse you and make you feel crazy.
There is no “crazy version” of him. This is who he is. Stop justifying his behavior and trying to rationalize staying with him. I don’t understand why you are putting up with someone regularly calling you down the the lowest. This is NOT love.
This guy isn’t husband or father material and you can’t fix him
Your options are to break up or keep wasting your own time