Looking for happy stories!

30 comments

1. Hi! It takes work but totally worth it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary in April 😀

2. I wish I could share a happy story, however I’m in the same boat as you are. Using “actions speak louder than words “when reviewing dating situation has proven how emotionally scarring dating is. We are both not “anxious”, we are acting realistically due to all of our prior experiences. Perhaps, I need therapy, too. If it’s helping you, let us know.

3. I’m the same way! My now live in bf and I just celebrated our one year back in May

4. Ugh I’m there with you girl. One thing that helps is I supplement with tryptophan and GABA, they help balance me out a LOT. But also EFT tapping and therapy helps. So I feel like supporting from several avenues helps a lot but also helps to have a secure-ish fella. It might help to share your struggles with your guy (when feels appropriate) because he should ideally be supportive and understanding about that.

5. I’m a guy and I recently met a girl who I get along really well with, I’m a bit freaked out bc she’s on vacay in another state until the 20th and I haven’t heard from her in about week even though we both acknowledged she wouldn’t be able to text me nearly as much while she was away but that she wanted to go out as soon as she returns. Not just you who gets the anxiety. Before she had left she usually texted me first even like every day for a week, now nothing. Guess I just gotta wait and see.

6. In moments of anxiety (him taking longer to respond) try to be self aware and talk yourself down – example—“I’m feeling anxious but I need to remember that just because he isn’t talking to me ever second doesn’t mean he has lost interest. When I’m not talking to him I’m busy but thinking about him and he is likely doing the same thinking about me”
   So lots of self reassurance in moments like that.
   Actions speak louder than words. Is he consistent, does he strike up conversations, does he ask to see you? etc…

   I feel like I’m probably an anxious avoidant. I am 4 years post 12-year abusive relationship/marriage that left me a single mother prior to even giving birth so I feel like I have a lot of trauma. I am seeing someone now and I feel like the first weekend I spent with him (we live a few hours apart) I felt sick the whole time, and it was a mix of is this butterflies or like warning systems?? I couldn’t tell the different in genuine niceness and manipulation because my last relationship was all the latter. Anyways it’s been a few months. I have learned to trust myself and my judgments more and really see his actions matching his words. We rely on phone and texts a ton but always keep in touch and I like that I feel less and less any anxiety if I don’t hear from him for a bit. It just takes time.
   Self awareness and time! Be gentle with yourself.

7. I have the same thing. I have a disorganized attachment style (on top of BPD most likely) and actually just ended a relationship because it was so triggering when anything didn’t feel right. It’s impossible for me to manage my own emotions while figuring out how to know the difference between red flags and my anxiety. I then make excuses for the red flags and find I’m easy to manipulate and lie to because I cave when someone tells me “You’re making this up” instead of trying to reassure me or find a solution with me.

   I’ve tried CBT to help with the reality part of anxious attachment and it doesn’t do much for me because of the mental block of “What if I’m gaslighting myself to be okay with something that is really wrong?” Because I just did that in my last relationship, but honestly if you’re working with a therapist the best course of action is to be as honest as you can with them, and with the person you want to date. Make sure you stick up for yourself. If they refuse to create a safe space for you to discuss things that bother you or that you’re unsure about then that is a red flag, for example. My recent ex never let me ask him questions when he was inconsistent or something didn’t add up, and that made me feel unsafe and uncared for. Even if I had a perfectly valid reason for feeling uncomfortable about something. Just be kind to yourself. Be patient. Don’t put up with bad treatment and then blame yourself for it. Not everyone is going to understand and not everyone is going to be kind. It’s okay. All of the best relationships I know that work well are the ones where both parties care about each other’s wellbeing and perspectives.

8. I’m lucky that my husband and I are both obsessed with each other haha so it made it really easy to get those affirmations that you’re describing.
   There were times during the first year or so when, when communication was different, we could both get anxious and weird.
   We were as open as possible, speaking about ourselves as the issue and not the other party. It’s important to own up to your anxieties and the fact that they may be completely unjustified lol but that doesn’t make it less real for us. Gently making fun of yourself to your partner about these anxieties while working that into a legitimate conversation really helped us both.

9. Not exactly a happy story but I’m in the same situation. Been so anxious today, telling myself he’s not that into me 🥴 But a few hours ago he texted me asking if I want to go camping (for a whole week) with him next month, and I’m happy again 🙈 It’s so exhausting to have rollercoaster emotions, but I hope it’s going to be worth it in the end.
   I try to remind myself that he haven’t said or done anything to make me doubt his interest for me, quite the opposite.

   Hoping for the best for both me and you ❤️

10. When I met my now husband I was very anxious because he was so independent. I could just tell he didn’t really care if he had a gf or not lol, he was into being alone, reading, taking long bike rides… just being low key. I only saw him about one a week for the first few weeks – months. He didn’t text, like at all (he still doesn’t) But! He was consistently asking to see me & would make plans with me at the end of our dates. I began to realize that this was what a healthy person looks like. We had only known each other a few weeks so why did I expect him to be 100% all in 24/7. It was so nice to have finally found someone who was independent and not needy and intense, but now I was the one feeling needy and intense. It honestly took me years to totally loose my anxious attachment style. We have now been married 5 years and we have such a harmonious happy marriage. I have so many cool hobbies, friends & a very fulfilling life. He loves me and I love him & I don’t fear loosing him every time he goes on a bike ride 😂 I can just be with him quietly, not beckoning for his attention to validate me. I did it with therapy and with self reflection. When I felt anxious I was just really follow the path to get to the root of why I was upset. It always came back to this old abandonment fear but he never did anything in reality to make me ever believe he was going to leave me. And, honestly with time and trying it just went away. Just remember it’s a GOOD sign when someone is kind and interested, but keeps their own life. Jumping too hard into relationships and having the expectation that a new relationship be all encompassing is actually a red flag. Slow burn for me lead to more trust and genuine connection vs just POURING into someone I hardly knew to begin with 💚

    Edited : for spelling

11. I met an amazing guy and our enthusiasm matches each other so that helps. We communicate openly and have started exploring some deeper and bigger things.

    The chemistry has been off the charts, but for me, I open up with respect, clear intent, and initiative. It’s still very new but I’m quite hopeful for this new relationship. We just fit when we sit next to each other, talk about every topic without guards up or criticism. I’ve never felt this way about a person in a relationship before. But as I reflect on my triggers and trauma, I speak them and don’t create stories. Sometimes I worry it would be a turn off and make someone disinterested. Somehow we are really digging in the real life stuff early on.

12. Very relatable. We’re together for almost a year now, and right now I feel more safe than anxious, which is such a relief. Therapy, lots of communication, honesty and a really patient partner with a secure attachment style has helped a lot to do some healing.

    But the first few months? Terrible. I couldn’t believe he liked me, or that he was still going to like me if I showed him the real me, including insecurities and fears. There were so many, often small things that triggered my anxiety. And when I realised this had the potential for something great, it only got worse because that made me feel so vulnerable.
    I remember him saying that I made him happy, after about 3 months or so. I couldn’t say it back because, while a part of me was really happy, there was just So. Much. Anxiety. It took me 9 months to genuinely say it back.

    My anxiety still gets triggered, but by now I’m more able to somehow accept that this is a part of me and I just try to go through the motions. I try to remember that in those moments, my thoughts probably aren’t real, they only reflect my insecurities and NOT the actual status of our relationship, and that the feeling will pass.
    Often, I let my partner know when I feel triggered, which relieves a lot of tension on both sides: I don’t have to pretend like I am okay, and he doesn’t have to mind read what is going on.
    It takes a lot of work and self reflection, but it does get better and is absolutely worth it.

13. Thanks!! Getting in my body definitely helps! Currently on a walk!

14. I will tell you that happy stories are not necessarily the ones in which you marry, have children and so. Or at least so I think, sometimes it is good enough to find someone good that you actually could had gone all the way, even if in the end you don’t.

    Earlier this year I ended an almost one year relationship because I realized it wouldn’t had worked out in the long run, yet I am very glad of the moments shared together and I do not regret it at all as I met a great person.

    In the end, most times I start talking with someone I got doubts, but those doubts are also fair for them to have about me. It is sad to use this term, but we’re in a competitive market. In the same way I have the option to be talking to several people at once, they also do. And that gets in our head and it is hard to confirm if they are or not, if they are truly nice and affirming or being polite and saying what you want to hear, if they are busy or not interested in you, if endless possibilities. So you can only be patient and see how things go and never give up. In my experience, sometimes people will vanish, a few times they will actually reject you (or you reject them) and even less times you will find someone you want to give it a try with.

15. About a month into my relationship with my boyfriend, met on bumble almost 2 months ago. He is actually amazing in every way and I haven’t felt like this about a boy since high school. I know, I know, honeymoon stage or whatever, but this just feels so much better than any other “honeymoon stage” I have been in for the last 12 years. I get nervous I am not good enough for him, but thats just my lack of confidence creeping in… plus the fact that I know what his ex girlfriends look like, and I saw his matches on bumble, and that just makes it worse, but I try to focus on the good.

    ​

    We have date nights once a week, and last night he let me host my sister and a few of our friends for a little celebration, and he helped me cook food for 8 people for a party he wasn’t even staying for.

16. I’ve always been a “if he wanted to, he would” kind of girl, but my current boyfriend would go days without texting me early on, wouldn’t be proactive about making plans, and generally made me feel like I had to initiate everything. It got to me hard, but instead of bailing, I just provided little bits of feedback along the way. Turns out, he just was really unpracticed at relationships. We’ve been dating fairly seriously for well over a year now and he’s sooooo much better at communication. I feel fairly 50-50, which I never would have thought was a possible outcome in the early days of anxiety.

17. Well I am looking for one

    I saw a message from my girlfriend (F 30) ex saying it was a nice dinner and catch up. What should I do?

18. At the beginning of my relationship I noticed that every time my boyfriend and I took a step forward, I’d get hit with a big wave of anxiety and freak out a bit. Looking at it objectively, he was giving me no reason to feel worried, the pattern existed purely inside myself. Once I recognized the pattern, I got a lot better at riding the waves, and they usually passed pretty quickly.
    I’m pretty superstitious when it comes to posting about my relationship online, but let’s just say it’s a very happy story and you should definitely have hope 🥰

19. I met my now husband on tinder of all places. Initially I almost passed him by because he had zilch written on his profile and a bunch of gym pics. I thought he was just looking for a hookup. Turns out he just didn’t know what to say. We’ve been together now for three years and I couldn’t be happier he’s an amazing man. If I had followed this subs go to advice we wouldn’t be together today and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am.

20. My (41M) 10 year relationship/marriage came to an end, traumatically) in May of 2020.

    I dated off and on and went to therapy. Dating was rough. The farthest I made it was a “situationship” for about three months at the end of last year. I was hoping it would become more but it ended.

    I took a week to process it(they had stated previously they didn’t know if they wanted a relationship) and got back to dating. 2 weeks later I met the person I believe I’m going to marry. We click on every level. Spiritually, philosophically, politically, movies, music, sense of humor, love languages, family, intimacy, etc.

    We are head over heels in love and have been together 6 months. I know myself, I’ve put in a lot of work to better myself and fully believe I have the one this time.

21. This might be controversial but I kind of just embrace that anxiety the first 1-3 months. After that I tend to learn the persons patterns and how they behave. If I’m still anxious after that, then I need to decide if it’s me or them. In my last long relationship it was definitely him, but I thought it was my attachment style. I tried everything to deal with it but with no luck. With the last guy I knew he was a bit flaky so it didn’t bother me too much. As long as I know what to expect, I’m good at not getting nervous. And I also need to know that I can ALWAYS call them if it’s urgent, and they will answer. This might not happen very often, but once I know this, then I’m usually more calm.

    This is what helped me at least. So within the next month or so, see if he answers if something urgent is coming up (can be something small like having some amazing news or if something happened). My ex never picked up his phone if I called, ever. He would never call back either. He sometimes told me to call at like midnight or something and it really made me worried.

    Hope you get what I mean, and hope you can find your calm with him!

22. Anxious attachment style here! I don’t have a story with a happy ending of a lasting relationship, but I can tell you I was recently dating someone for a couple of months and towards the middle stages when the texts started slowing down my anxiety started to creep in. I, like someone else mentioned in here, decided to talk myself down.

    If he’s taking a while to respond to texts just tell yourself something like “He’s busy hanging out with friends. He’s doing some shopping.” or something like that. Doesn’t matter what it is, it doesn’t even have to be the truth, you just have to know there are a million different reasons why he could be taking a while to respond. Also know that it is *completely normal* for text conversations to slow down after a while. Sure, it’s great texting all day every day for the first few weeks, but for most people this is not sustainable. You will eventually just be having a conversation for the sake of it. At that point you probably already know most of each others’ likes, dislikes, interests and hobbies etc.

    It’s very easy for us AAs to take the smallest detail that likely means absolutely nothing and turn it into something that means a huge deal. It’s good that you’re in therapy and dealing with it, but remember these things take time and negative thoughts can be hard to overcome and tune out, especially at the beginning.

    Remind yourself that this guy is not the be all and end all. Don’t forget to take time for yourself, your friends and your own hobbies that don’t involve him. Don’t make your life revolve around him.

    The most important thing I’ve ever read is that a partner is supposed to *complement* your life, they shouldn’t *become* your life.

    Best of luck, I hope it works out for you.

23. Proud of OP and everyone here who does their best to manage these uncomfortable emotions and not project them onto their partner. It’s so hard!!! I am currently single. And nervous to get back into dating because I also subscribe to this attachment style. But I’ve done a ton of therapy and learned a lot of skills since my last relationship…and reading about how others ARE managing without sabotaging the relationship gives me hope! Thank you for sharing!

24. I’m still working on it, and it’s still hard to manage, but the last two relationships I’ve had I’ve managed to get past the initial first month of extreme anxiety and my old habit of almost sabotaging myself by over-doing the texting and needing constant validation that they weren’t going to abandon me. A lot of the improvement has been in reworking my thought patterns and reactions through therapy and also realizing that I am enough.

    The first relationship didn’t work out due to not being compatible in other ways (and I ended that one), but my current relationship is going really well. He doesn’t text all the time and we don’t hang out every free moment, which at first gave me anxiety that he wasn’t interested. But he makes an effort with his actions, follow through, attention, and words when we are together. By stepping back and relaxing, it’s allowed things to progress more naturally and has allowed us both to get to know each other, value the time we spend together, but also remain individuals as far as keeping up with hobbies that are important to us. Neither of us NEED a relationship, but both of us are choosing and wanting to be in this relationship because we each enhance each others lives 🙂

25. My partner and I worked together for a year before we started dating; we’ve been together for 6 months now. Here’s our story.

    He (36M) is a total Lone Wolf, Jack-of-all-trades & avid outdoorsman. He grew up in Botswana (homeschooled), ran an Anti-poaching unit in Tanzania and managed Game Lodges in Botswana. He feels completely out of place in the hustle & bustle of civilization…
    I (31F) am an artist, bookworm & socially awkward oddball. I grew up in a small town in South Africa’s NW Province – just outside the city; never far away from the malls, bars or a friend’s place. I attended a small college after school and even did a Contiki tour once, the usual. I struggle to keep people around & interested in me, due to my oddball nature; sometimes I am convinced I am the problem (or so my anxiety ridden, overthinking brain would tell me)…

    How we came to meet was not pure coincidence. I believe something bigger than us is at work here. The pandemic had practically shut his industry down, forcing him to return to the dreaded city, full of other people. He got a job at a photography company to help pay the bills during those trying times. I was unemployed myself at the time and heard of a job opening at the same company, through a mutual friend-of-a-friend, of-a-friend, etc (small world situation), and simply applied. I got the job and lo, I beheld the man that would someday soon be my husband (I am sure of this to my innermost core). I did not entirely know/understand what I was feeling for this man for the entire year we’d been working together, but I knew he had to stay in my life somehow, until the day one of us should die.

    It was only when we returned to work in the New Year, after a month long vacation, that we finally realised what we’d been feeling for one another. In February we went on a work trip together where he adressed the fact that there was definitely something going on between us. That night will forever be a beautiful memory that still makes my heart flutter every time I remember it.
    Anyway, fast forward 6 months and it’s still going incredibly well! He’s been my First for a lot of things; things I’ve never experienced with previous partners and things I will never want to experience with anyone else, ever again. I want things with him that I personally used to find absolutely boring, basic and potentially devastating (marriage, kids, home).

    Both our previous relationships were mostly traumatic ones (he had been engaged to a cheater and I had been dating a violent psycho) and so, both of us are utterly terrified of what lies ahead for us. He has trust issues when it comes to women and what they’d put him through (and as a result had been out of the dating scene for 10 years). I have trust issues when it comes to not communicating with me on certain subjects, like when something is very wrong. And because of his Lone Wolf, outdoor loving personality, he does not communicate via text much. He deeply despises a cellphone and wishes he didn’t even have a “need” for one. He prefers face-to-face communication and only reserving texts for letting each other know when we’ve arrived somewhere safely; because otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to talk about whenever we’re together and pointing out that texts could easily be misread & misunderstood.
    Which makes total and great sense. It’s been very good for our relationship. I struggle to speak well, for what is in my head never comes out of my mouth fluently. I generally write better than what I speak. Yet, I still do my best to keep up the communication.

    On his bad days, my anxiety would sometimes get the better of me and I’d be convinced that my mere existence is beginning to become unbearable for him (rejection and fear thereof is a real b*tch). But it’s never me. I do annoy him at times with my clumsiness, forgetfulness and occasional stupidity (and his intellect is pretty damn sexy). He told me one of the coolest things about me is that I allow him to take a solitary day/weekend whenever the noisy city and its careless people become a little overwhelming. His alone time is incredibly important to his well-being and I care very deeply about his well-being; so I leave him alone, I don’t even text him goodnight. Often when I see him again after such a weekend he’s in a wonderful, joyful mood and becomes very loving, saying he missed me. He thanks me every time. He usually reassures me whenever I start to worry that I may be doing something wrong, when in fact I am not.

    We often speak about how our relationship is unlike anything either of us had ever experienced before (despite him being engaged before), as if it were meant to be. He could think of no other reason why he would live his whole life in the middle of deep, dark Africa and then suddenly find himself in the city. It was as if we were being guided to our rightful happiness together by a higher power. All the signs are there that he loves me. He rarely talks about “mushy-wushy feely-weelings” and such junk, for he is simply a man. The mere fact that I am still around and he hasn’t packed his bags and left for the bush tells me he loves me. He doesn’t have to say it. I mean, the man turned down a job offer to run a lodge back home, on an island in the bush that he’d been dreaming about for years. Mere words of love do not even begin to compare to such a monumental act of love.

    I’ve learned to live with not texting him regularly, as one would in a common, modern day relationship (what with social media and nifty little devices dominate our lives today). In fact, I like it that way because if someone demands my constant attention & response with constant messgaes, it becomes a little more than frustrating. It can be challenging sometimes (when you want to share something funny or cool) and restraining oneself could feel fundamentally wrong at times, but trust me, it’s far from it. Just have patience.
    It’s been an exciting & beautiful experience thus far and it only seems to be getting better by the day. We’ve basically already decided we want to marry each other someday, we’re just taming it slow, giving our relationship the time & care it needs to grow into something incredible. I look forward to a bright future with him.

    I hope this all makes sense and doesn’t turn out to be a random mess of meaningless babble with nothing useful to offer. Sorry for the long one!

26. Not a romantic relationship, but a deep friendship.

    6 months ago I met a man and my whole world felt like it stopped. I wanted to hit myself over the head for not exchanging numbers but I ran into him again one month later and was able to do just that.

    He said he’d reach out and asked I didn’t. He wouldn’t reach out for nearly 6 weeks. During that time I was seriously frustrated, annoyed and very anxious but chose to not reach out and finally got to a place where I didn’t care if he did or didn’t.

    He finally asked me to join for lunch to get to know me.

    In the beginning, it was often a bi-monthly connection with zero texts inbetween or his responses were lame at best. Again, anxiety.

    But I wouldn’t let my anxiety take control.

    Instead, anything I wanted from him or the connection i would redirect back to me- self nourish, activities, etc.

    In June, something clicked. Idk if it’s because he helped me through Covid or what but our friendship deepened fast. What was a bi monthly connection turned into a bi weekly check in, spending time 4x a week, phone calls, etc.

    When he says he is going to be somewhere- he consistently and always shows up. On time. When he says he will call, he does. I realize that all I had to do was ask – when he set a time and location for anything, he always always always comes through. Even if we go without communicating for a week between plans.

    I trust him.

    And in many ways this trust has greatly healed my own anxiety patterns so, as I date other men, my fears and projections are long gone. One guy I’ve been seeing for 2 months claims he is an avoidant and also inconsistent. But because of the relational healing I’ve done with my friend, something about my energy and sense of inner security doesn’t appear to trigger my date’s avoidant & inconsistent behavior. He has shared how much he can relax around me, not feel pressured, and just ease into a slow unfolding between us.

    Why?

    Because I don’t need him to feel good, desired, nurtured or okay. I self source those needs and should the anxiety monster pop up, I do what I need to do to take care of me.

    Hell, we may go without texting for many days. But – like I practiced with my friend – if we set a time to see eachother, we always do. And he really shows up, taking care of me, being present, nourishing me with good meals and manners.

    The same goes for another guy I’ve been dating over the past 5 weeks.

    You won’t always be anxious – you can self nourish and heal these patterns. And how you relate to others will always shift how they relate to you.

27. Hi! It’s great you found someone! I met someone a couple months ago. In all of my past relationships, I definitely had an anxious attachment style. I’m this relationship I feel so secure. He keeps proving to me every day why I don’t need to feel anxious. I hope you can get there one day. It’s amazing to feel this way. Good luck with everything!

28. I met my person on an app a year ago at the end of the month. So much about it should not have worked on paper, which I’ll get to in a second. We met for drinks about 36 hours after she sent me the first message. I ended up going with her to a BBQ she was invited to at a colleague’s house, which I later found out was a family affair for said colleague. I somehow ended up being the game master for Toss Toss Burrito and established a rivalry with a 10 year old during said game. I don’t remember the outcome.

    To the reasons it shouldn’t have worked – we saw each other about three times over the following month, knowing that she was leaving at the end of the summer on a temporary contract that would have her away until the middle of November. My attitude during these encounters could best be described as aloof, but was probably closer to standoffish. I had just been dumped by the person I met previously, who I saw for about six weeks and didn’t make it through the DTR phase (wasn’t explained in any great detail). So I was feeling slightly bitter and uncertain about it. Somehow we got much much closer over the time that she was away – part of the reason she took the contract was to serve in the bridal party at a friend’s wedding, which fell through in spectacular fashion. When she got back, we made plans to go meet both sets of parents over the holidays. We went away to a nearby island over spring break at a time of year that is barely comfortable and made it through all of that.

    Now she’s bought a house that we’re moving into at the end of the month and insists that we refer to it as “our house”. I am going to a jeweller as soon as I can to find someone who will design the ring I have in mind.

29. Hi! So I met my partner last May and I have an anxious attachment style. About 3 months in, I started therapy again to address my anxiety and I’ve been slowly working through those feelings and identifying the triggers.

    I’ve communicated to my partner about certain triggers or when I’m feeling anxious. It’s been helpful because he’s very encouraging and open and he would try (and does still try!) to reassure me.

    We’ve been together for over a year and we’re very happy 🙂 I noticed, naturally, as time went on I was getting less and less anxious if he’d take time to respond to me or we’d go a few days without seeing one another.

    Now, we can go 2-3hrs without a text and my first thought is he’s napping lol it’s never anything over the top.

    If the person you’re dating is supportive and likes you, they’ll be understanding of your anxiety. And if you can identify triggers and share them with your partner, even better because they can work on not setting those triggers off unnecessarily.

30. I notice that I only go full anxiety spiral on someone I’m into who’s giving me signals that they’re not into me. It’s like my nervous system kicks into fight or flight upon facing the often real concrete signs that someone’s just not that into me. When someone makes their interest clear and known through actions and words lining up, I relax.

    But, take heart. Even if someone closes that door, you’ll survive, and you’ll connect with someone else.