i *potentially* broke my ankle about two weeks ago (i get the x-ray results back tomorrow). since then i obviously haven’t been able to walk much, if at all. as a result my husband has been having to do a lot for me. get me water, bring me pillows, make me food, etc.
the thing is, he’s sometimes so reluctant to do these things. the worst is when he’s sleeping. i usually wake up before him. so while i’m awake, it’s super difficult for me to make myself food. i’ve just been sitting and snacking on junk until he wakes up. and even then, all he wants to do is order food instead of cook anything. i potentially go hours without eating a proper meal due to this. if i try to wake him up, he won’t get up. i try to be as patient as possible since he’s always had difficulty getting up (he has ADHD and BD), but it takes it’s toll, especially since i need to take my anti-depressant with food
then today he’s at work and he’s about to get off and he texts me that he doesn’t want to come home. i ask why and he says “i dunno. i want to do stuff with my friends” so i tell him that he can and he says “no one is available and i need to go home to rest and take care of you anyways”. as you could imagine, that made me feel like shit. he doesn’t want to be around me because he doesn’t want to take care of me. that’s what i took from that message. so he comes home, we have sex, he falls asleep. i stay awake the whole time just thinking about our relationship, waiting to go wake him up. i wake him up and tell him that i’m hungry and he immediately pulls out his phone to try and order food. i tell him i just want rice and broccoli with our leftovers from last night, but he REALLY doesn’t want to make that for me. so i go make it myself, walking on my bad foot in the process. he comes back out and we make small talk and then i ask him “do you even want to take care of me? cause you don’t have to” and he gets defensive saying that he’s exhausted. so i ask again and i say “i can go to my grandparents and they can take care of me if you don’t want to” and he says “no of course i don’t want to take care of you!” but he doesn’t want me to go to my grandparents. i tell him “i’m always going to be unhealthy, there’s always going to be something wrong with me. so if you don’t want to deal with that, you don’t have to. i have somewhere else to go” and neither of us said much after that
idk what to do. he confirmed what i had thought and i really really don’t want to be somewhere where i’m being a burden, especially to my own fucking husband. should i go to my grandparents still?
8 comments
Woooooow. I’m speechless. He’s definitely being selfish. I guess ask yourself since your thought was confirmed: if you got disabled or seriously injured, you’d be in big trouble. Does he expect things to go back to normal after your ankle is better, cuz baby he needs to do better. Time to lay it on him. The level of disrespect for his own wife when you’re obviously injuried is astonishing and unacceptable.
You should go somewhere and stay there. Forever.
He’s not going to be any better.
Do you think he’s going to step up when you have kids someday? Even if you don’t, what’s going to happen if you’re hurt worse?
Selfish manchild.
I get it, to a degree. My ex wife had “health problems”, and I did everything for nearly 20 years, including most of the heavy lifting when we had a child.
Turns out her health problems were over exaggerated. I was a grade A sucker for a long time, because I trusted her, and believe that when a teammate went down, you carry them and their gear as far as you need to.
That was that, this is this, a broken ankle is a temporary deal. If he can’t or won’t step up, he surely will let you down later.
Sounds like this is the last straw for you regarding his behaviour building up to now.
Life’s too short.
So…what would you do if you lived alone? I think he’s being an ass but it also kinda sounds like you could figure out how to help yourself a bit more.
The vow “in sickness and in health” is supposed to mean something. “Partner” is supposed to mean something. He needs to reckon with whether he meant what he promised when you got married.
I would go to your grandparents for sure and while you’re there, I would do a lot of thinking about your relationship with your husband. I don’t know how old you are, but since you still have living grandparents, I’m thinking you’re probably pretty young. Chronic health problems only tend to get worse with age, so it’s likely you’ll need more and more help as the years go by. It seems like you’re not going to get it from this guy.
I have a bunch of chronic health problems myself. I understand how much it sucks to need to ask people for help all the time. I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten years and I made sure he knew from the start what he was getting into. I hate having to ask him for help, but I know with all the confidence in the world that he will absolutely help me with whatever I need. He might let out a frustrated sigh if the timing of my request happens to be bad, but he will do whatever task for me. My boyfriend also has terrible untreated ADHD. Also without trying to insult the man I love, he’s not exactly an overachiever or a go-getter type, and if he can find a way to get something done faster and easier by cutting corners, he totally will. Yet he always manages to come through for me because he loves me and he knows that if I’m asking him for help then I really need his help.
Your husband straight up told you “of course” he doesn’t want to take care of you. That’s so fucked up. He probably doesn’t want you to go to your grandparents because he knows that he will look like a giant asshole and a terrible husband. What kind of able-bodied person would let their disabled spouse stay at their elderly grandparents’ house to have their elderly grandparents take care of them for no reason other than he doesn’t want to help you.
The more I think about it, the angrier I am with your husband. If my housemate broke her ankle, I would do whatever I could to help her. I would do that for anyone I’ve ever lived with, and I’ve had some housemates that I didn’t even get along with. Especially if I weren’t disabled, I would absolutely have no problem doing simple shit like heating up food or making a quick and easy meal for a housemate with even a twisted/sprained ankle or whatever other ailment that meant they shouldn’t bear weight.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve so much better.
Yeah… OK, he could help more, but I’m getting different vibes too.
You *might* have broken your ankle, and you can’t cook for yourself. I mean, people who are actually *paralyzed* cook for themselves.
Sometimes people really lean into injuries (I suppose the equivalent of man-flu) and it does sound like you’re laying it on a bit.
You even complaining that rather than cook, he’s ordering food, I mean is that so awful?
If you were seriously injured, sure, he’s being shit, but you *might* have broken your ankle, are you maybe laying it on just a bit thick here?
Going to give a care takers perspective.
Your medical conditions are exhausting. Especially if this is the first time. Two weeks is a long time to go to work, only to come home and have to work again. I know comparitively it doesn’t feel long to other conditions but it is.
It gets exhausting on your partner without a break, even if its ordering take out. Or seeing if family or friends can help and make a meal or sit with you.
Your partner doesn’t want you gone they are just struggling with running the house hold completely the first time.
I would sit down and really talk with them. When they are fully rested on a day off. See if y’all can come to a compromise, find help for each other.
If they can’t accept help or continue to throw your condition into your face that is when you need to decide to move on. Exhausted partners sometimes do not know the right way to say things, that doesn’t make them less hurtful or right. But give them a chance.
I’m going to be the devil’s advocate here and say that’s what crutches are for, and the “do you not like helping me?” is purposefully causing a guilt-trip routine that he’s going to end up resenting over time!
However, I also speak from experience, having still had to attend school while having an entire leg immobilized
The longer you’re not in active recovery, the harder it will be to heal
Yeah it probably obviously really hurts and sucks right now! But — if you can put a pack on, and manage to figure out stairs (crutches, stairs, crutches, stairs) — then you may start to get your independance back and let him sleep, which can’t be helping his mood
And yeah, some things are going to suck and ruin your mood, like needing to depend on sponge baths if you have a cast, or rolling onto your injury in your sleep and being woken up traumatized — maybe he can help you a bit more around thoss things rather than simple every day stuff like eating while he’s trying to sleep(??)
Obviously doing anything with a vehicle is going to be hard — have you considered doing things like ordering in some healthier groceries that are more in-reach to avoid feeling like you’re bothering him so much? Or sending him out for errands like grocery trips if that’s a point of contention right now?