So, I was recently on holiday at America’s cultural capital, Orlando.

My mates and I headed down to the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express for a bit of brekky brekky num num snakkies. (that’s what you weirdos call “breakfast” 🤢)

I noticed straight away that there was no fresh bread in sight!

I asked the hotel man what time their bakery opened, and he looked at me with confusion. I repeated it again, louder and slower, since I figured he was just deaf due to lack of health insurance. He seemed a fair bit cross with me, and said that they did not have a bakery.

My mind was BOGGLED. I was, dare I say it, GOBSMACKED. In MyCountry, every single domicile is equipped with an on sight bakery for PROPER bread so we can eat PROPER food. I broke into a cold sweat and began to shake, which I haven’t done since I learned red solo cups were real.

The hotel employee seemed concerned, and asked me if I was alright, which is typical American fake friendliness.

Why don’t Americans value food enough to make fresh bread? I checked the 7/11 down the street and their offerings were similarly sparse. Why do you all eat this garbage? Are you so morally bankrupt that you feel you’re not worthy of proper food?

No offence.

33 comments

  1. A lot of my friends started baking their own bread during the pandemic but I continue to buy it from the grocery store, guess I’m just built different (lazy and afraid of fucking up at any and all baking tasks)

  2. Consider yourself lucky. If you’d gotten your bread, you undoubtedly would have started looking for cheese next, and I don’t think you’d have survived *that* shock.

    EDIT: Also, I think maybe your problem was that the innkeeper saw that you didn’t have a magnetic-stripe credit card that you owe debt on, but were hoping to use [shudder] *contactless* payment. We don’t do that here — the air is so thick with pollution that the the data gets lost between the phone and the reader — so the hotelier knew that you wouldn’t leave him a generous tip for directing you to bread.

  3. Bread isn’t fattening enough for us. We just eat jelly out of the jar, but not before we add a cup of sugar to it.

    Edit: How did I just notice “brekky brekky num num snakkies” I’m dead. Lol

  4. You don’t need bread,

    Try their sausage gravy or Huevos rancheros or Steak and eggs. Bread forgotten.

  5. Did you not get your complimentary loaf of WonderBread? I would reach out to Holiday Inn’s customer service number and see if they can mail you a loaf to make up for it.

  6. Bread was outlawed in 1976 as the widespread use of sharpened croutons to settle personal grievances began to threaten the handgun industry.

  7. I do apologize for America. 7/11 is usually my go to for the goods as well. Tbf we really are in a transition period here in America. We are a very young country as you know of only two or three decades now and bread isn’t as important as corn syrup atm. We are working our way into some passable bread-like substitutes consisting primarily of structured bacon drippings.

    Check back in to keep up with we’re heading!!

    Again if we sould’ve been British then we should’ve started out that way…this isn’t rocket science, gotta know your history my friend!

  10. I see the problem. You asked for “bread” when you should have asked for “doughnuts”. Doughnuts are the preferred brekky brekky num num snakkies bread in America. It’s a common mistake.

  14. Honestly, I’m just amazed you weren’t shot, or at least shot at. I guess Orlando’s gone soft.

  15. We’re all gluten intolerant. We just keep random fake bread around for the tourists.

  16. We’re just trying to be healthy! Normal plain bread has practically zero nutritional value.

  20. You dodged a bullet mate. American bread is like a huge cupcake, sliced. Absolutely gross. I stayed in Rhode island for 6 weeks, many moons ago. I ended up using pitta bread for a sandwich because I really didn’t like cake sandwiches

  21. Not enough sugary goodness in bread. Just go and grab a couple donuts like the rest of us. We even use donuts to make sandwiches.

  23. We call our bread “biscuits” here and they come with complementary and mandatory gravy. Maybe that was the problem?

  26. Orlando IS America’s cultural capital and I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

  30. “I figured he was just deaf due to lack of health insurance” ha ha ha ha ha! That’s golden.

  32. I would just like to say, OP, that Javert did have a point. I mean, c’mon, how many freaking times have we heard “Oh I just stole a loaf of bread to feed my three wives and fourteen children!” Suuuuuuuuuuuure. Right. Uh huh.

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