We are not married. But I’m posting this in here because I feel like we basically are without the paper work part. I (21F) have been with my bf (21M) since we were 14. We have a 1.5 year old son together. Yes I know, really young. But that’s besides the point on this post ok I just really need advice on this.
I know I do not want to be with this person anymore. I have pushed how I felt to the back of my mind for the sake of our son.
This is how it started, After we had our son, I made the mistake of venting to his mom, his aunt, and his cousin about our problems when we were all drinking. Ever since that talk, I feel like I’ve put my feelings last & brushed everything off that he does. And I hate it but I can’t help it because I love him. But I do not see a future with him. I simply can’t imagine living in constant anger for the rest of my life.
There’s been infidelity on his end. That was one of the things I vented to his family about when drinking. It was the first time he was unfaithful, & it was when my son was a few months old. They started asking about our sex life. I told them it was basically non existent. I had a few month old baby, and was still a full time college student. And I was the only one cleaning & cooking. So I had no desire for sex. They basically said, that a man needs sex. & if he’s not getting it from his “woman” then, that’s just the “woman” asking for him to be unfaithful. So yeah. Everytime he’s unfaithful, I think of that. I know it’s wrong. And gross. But for some reason I think of it & I think if it’s true?
That night I also vented to them about how he never helps me around the house or with the baby. But they just hit me with “Well it’s rare for a 20 year old man to come home to his family everyday. He didn’t grow up with a stable family. At least he got you guys a place to live and let’s you be a SAHM, my ex baby daddy would’ve never done that.” So again, everytime I get overwhelmed with house chores or something I think of that. Why?! I know it’s wrong. But it gets to my head n I hate it.
Ever since having the baby, I leave after our huge blow ups to my moms. I’ll stay there for a weekend. Go back home. Be ok for a few days. Then just fight again & leave. I know this isn’t healthy. But I simply cannot stand being around him with arguing. He just starts drinking. Gets drunk & the arguments get worse. But a couple weeks ago, I was gone for 6 days. I was telling myself that I want him to fight for me & ask me to come back n say that he’s sorry n misses me. But that never happened. Just ended up back here. Now here I am. These past couple weeks everything he does bothers me. He will flick my boobs randomly or touch my v randomly. I’ll tell him to stop n he says “what kinda girl tells their boyfriend to not touch them.” I’m just so grossed out. By everything. I’m still breastfeeding so it literally hurts me when he touches my nipples like that randomly but he doesn’t get that because I “get my nipples vacuumed” everyday by my pump.
He took two weeks off with PFL & literallt has done nothing. I’ll clean the whole place & do laundry, take care of the baby while he sits n plays video games or scrolls on his phone. Never asking ONCE if I need help.
He’ll have his friends over on Friday’s & get drunk. Last Friday he literally disgusted me n thays when I knew I couldn’t see a future with his person. He was literally talking to his friends about abortions. How only hoes get abortions & it’s wrong to kill a baby. He came inside & I said, “can you please not talk about abortions around me.” He said “why”, I said “because you know I got an abortion.” He said “well I never even wanted you to get one.” For context, I got an abortion after having our son. I couldn’t imagine bringing another child into this toxic relationship.
Our son was just diagnosed with autism a little over a month ago. He still denies it. Everytime I try to talk to him about how we can help him, or giving him updates about the therapies we’re gonna start he says nothing. He like gets mad. I don’t know why. I hate it. I just want to be a team. To help our son.
I’m just over everything. I know I need to leave. I can’t live like this anymore. But I don’t know how. There’s just so much I could go on about. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m broken. I don’t know who I am anymore. I need to leave but I don’t know how. I’m scared of being hurt. But then again I already am. I just feel like I’ve tried everything. Nothing gets better. It only gets worse. I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I am just so overwhelmed & sad. I feel so weak. I’m not a strong person & I want to be. I want to be strong enough to leave.
1 comment
He doesn’t respect you. He treats you like a bangmaid/surrogate mother. He is unfaithful and unkind. He isn’t a good partner or father. He’s a mean drunk. He doesn’t respect your bodily autonomy and acts like he “owns” you. He doesn’t care when you leave and doesn’t even try to pretend like he’ll “get better.”
What positive does he bring to your life? It sounds like nothing.
Ask yourself this, how would you feel if your little boy grew up to be like this? Your son is going to watch his dad and learn that this is normal behavior for a man and that this is how you treat your partner.
You’re so young, OP. This does NOT have to be your life. You deserve an equal partner that treats you with kindness and respect. You deserve happiness.
Talk to your mom. See if you can move in with her or with someone else. Leaving is HARD, but I promise that you will feel so free and happy when you cut him lose.
How do you find the strength to leave? Make a list of EVERYTHING that makes you unhappy. All of the shitty things he’s done.
Look at that list to remind yourself how shitty he is to you. If he tries to lovebomb you to get you back, or if you feel a moment of weakness or doubt, you look at that list and tell yourself that you deserve better.