Heartbroken, torn, struggling with a new relationship and my last one.

So, me and my last girlfriend split up at Christmas. We had been together a year in which we were really close and I was very much in love with her, I still am. It wasn’t perfect, we had our problems and disagreements but we both maintained we loved each other and in many ways we were best friends (she said the same). I helped her a lot through the loss of her mother and she said she wouldn’t have survived without me and would always love me for that. I think she lost respect for me towards the end though and said things were not working and she needed to find herself again after losing her mother. The craziest fights would start over nothing. It didn’t help she moved away (only 2-3hours away by train, but the distance was a new strain). I was and probably still am in love with her though. I’ve never known a love like this and I would have married this girl with more time. We got on well with each others’ families and friends and the more I look back the harder it is to believe it ended.

We hadn’t spoken much since the break up. At first I was hurt but coping, though I never went a day without thinking about her. Now, however, some 7 months on, the pain seems worse than it was at the breakup and I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel sick with it. It’s quite unbearable heartache at times. Especially since she told me she was dating again and seeing someone. I think I always hoped we’d have another chance once the dust settled. It’s turning out to be a hard year as I recently lost my Granny and my dog (we had for 16 years) a few weeks ago.

I started dating quite soon after my break up. Too soon possibly. I remember my ex saying she didn’t know whether to be hurt or Impressed when she found out how quickly (about 2 months after). I think I wanted to date again quickly after the breakup to distract myself, and maybe even to try and make my ex jealous, but I always knew I wanted to get back with my ex and would have in a heartbeat. I would feel so guilty when I missed a call from her whilst seeing someone else. After a few flings i started dating another girl and have been for about 4-5months now. we became quite serious rather quickly, and whilst we never officially Agreed to be a couple Or call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, we’re not seeing other people.
New girl Is gorgeous, fun, caring, passionate, interesting, sexy, all the things I could want in a woman, but she isn’t my ex. She’s really great to talk to but she isn’t my best friend and confident. I think she’s developed real feelings for me (she said so) and I do really like her. thing is it feels like my head really likes her but my heart is empty. There’s a lot of attraction and passion but no magic. Sometimes it genuinely feel like I don’t have a heart anymore, just a cavity. I wish I could give her my heart and forget the past but I don’t feel I have a heart to give anymore. It’s really tiring and painful carrying these secret feelings and I don’t feel close enough to my other friends to discuss this anymore. I don’t want to hurt her though it feels inevitable.

TL;DR:
heartbroken and torn by my last relationship, struggling to come to terms with the breakup, whilst feeling trapped and guilty over inability to commit emotionally to a new relationship as a result. Can’t give my heart to someone when my ex still has it.