Wife just doesn’t care

42 comments

1. So honestly OP, why are you with someone who does not respect your time and is not bothered to care for your kids?

   What is she doing for her health?

2. You could have said you can’t do it….

   Have you visited your daughter yet? Maybe the hair thing is just a trick to get you to go.

3. I would have been polite but said “No, I will not be there. You should call and cancel your hair appointment.”

4. Okay, so she has physical and mental health issues? Isn’t this probably the cause she is acting this way?

5. Sounds like it’s time for Come to Jesus conversation. People treat you how you let them.

6. From the sounds of things she’s very pretty

7. She is acting this way because you enable her. Time to pull NO from wherever its hidden.

8. So, I didn’t work for a year due to mental health reasons (PTSD, panic disorder, agoraphobia and depression). I will admit that I did spend some time sleeping because of the medications I was put on, they were highly sedative. However, once I got used to them, I was able to function better and do things. I cleaned, cooked, did all of the drop off and pick up from school and 6 months in I took over full time care of my father in law who was wheelchair bound after a stroke. Mental illness sucks and people deserve some empathy when dealing with it, but it is never an excuse to get out of responsibility or to treat others like they don’t matter or like crap.

   She should be pitching in on anything she is physically able to do. If she can play on a tablet then she can pull a stool up and sit to wash dishes (no excuse of not being able to stand for long periods there). If she can drive and sit at the hospital or drive and sit at a hair salon then she can transport kids to activities.

   She either has gotten extremely lazy and is now used to someone catering to her every need and taking over responsibilities, or her mental illness is not being properly treated and she needs to see her doctor about a change in therapy. What’s the point in taking all this time off work due to health issues and not using that time to address the health issues???

9. Firstly, you can say NO and mean it. It doesn’t mean you dont care to say no. Because she asks doesnt mean you are a bad person to say NO.

   Then you need to sit down and discuss calmly and non-confrontationally the issues and the imbalance. If she is at home she should be able to clean up after her self, pick up the kids from after school, etc. Especially since she can take herself to the hairdresser for 3 hours. You are supposed to be working as a team so both have to pull together.

   I dont know her disability and energy levels so maybe the afterschool program is a good thing for the kids for now.

10. You’ve taught her over time that this behavior is acceptable by complying with it.

11. That first bit, the mental and physical health thing, that’s the key part.

    I’m disabled, and I struggle with cleaning, chores, childcare stuff. Being in the hospital with my son when he had appendicitis hurt like heck. The chair, the walking everywhere, the “bed” for parents to sleep in, all of it. The ex wouldn’t take time off work, and my husband couldn’t, either, so it was just my mom and I. I paid for that for a good week after he got home.

    I’m just saying, she’s asking you to be there for your child and so she gets a break that she likely needs at this point. It’s easy to call us disabled people lazy when you don’t walk in our shoes.

12. Did you start to do most of this stuff around the time she got health issues? I’ll be honest- if she can’t see what’s she doing to you cause she can only see how she feels- that is problematic. do you enable her because of how you see her? Does she make the children do stuff for her? Or she doesn’t but just ignores stuff? Right now I cannot tell if she is ignoring stuff because of real mental health issues or she is because you can do it for her. Do you ask her to do anything..?

13. Is your wife struggling with depression?

14. If it makes you feel any better the weather in Mallorca next week and most of April is really shitty, usually rains all day.

15. Why would you not go on a family vacation with your family???

16. Sounds like you really need to get this off your chest. Needing support is normal and it sounds like you aren’t getting it at home. That really sucks.

17. Time for ultimatums? Therapy. Heart to hearts. Start leaving stuff for her to do with notes.

    Cancer is traumatizing to people she probably has a lot of hidden things you don’t even know about going on in her mind. This is probably gonna be like a six-year battle of getting her back to normal. Pretty typical though a lot of men seem to leave spouses During times like this statistically. You gotta do what you gotta do.

18. My wife is a cancer survivor and I am grateful she held on. Cancer treatment changes people. Chemotherapy alters the mind in ways the medical field doesn’t understand and a mastectomy is emotionally and physically traumatic.

    My wife is not the same person since treatment and surgery. It’s been a year after treatments ended and she’s depressed, man. She looks and acts defeated but I’m still with her. Sure I get fed up with shit from time to time, but I’m not leaving or calling her lazy to total stranger. You know why? I understand what’s going on with her. The entire year of chemo I watched her mental health decline and I knew I had to step up way more than I was used to. I knew she’d need attention and encouragement more often and I will drop everything and anything to help her in anyway. Why? Because she did the same for me when my mom died.

    I’m not criticizing you, but I am wondering why you aren’t sacrificing for your wife? Marriage is truly a give and take relationship. You want your wife to get better? Stop complaining and sacrifice your time for her! She asked you to go for a reason, even if you don’t see it. Go! Tell her you don’t want to… She’ll never forget that shit. Never.

    You will regret not stepping up. Marriage is sacrifice at all times.

    Me 47
    Wife 40
    Together 11 yrs

19. If things were better before, chances are she can be like that again. Its easy to get angry at this situation, I would be too, but it cant continue like that. If something is going on with her, depression/health issues/mental health, it is her responsibility to express that to you when you ask about her behavior. If there is no underlying reason for it, she needs to understand she cannot continue to be like that

20. Sounds like resentment is setting in. Which is almost impossible to reverse once it cements.

    If you want to make sure you’ll still together a decade from now, I’d start thinking about couples counseling. Begin to air and address some of these issues with an intermediary who will help spurn her into action.

21. A lot of people are telling you to get out and wondering why you’re with someone who doesn’t respect you or your time. I disagree with this.
    As someone who has mental health issues, sometimes something so small can be extremely overwhelming. Most people wake up in the morning, shower, brush their teeth, make coffee and breakfast, get dressed for the day- to someone with anxiety the thought of all these things to do can keep you up at night. And that’s without kids.
    I think it’s really important that you talk to her. To you it’s just a hair appointment but to her, it might might just be a break from feeling overwhelmed. Although the cancer is gone, doesn’t mean she isn’t still scared for herself, for her family and I’m sure getting mastectomy doesn’t feel great. Maybe she wants to get her hair done because it helps her feel feminine after that trauma.
    Not trying to defend her, but just saying you need to talk to her and tell her you feel these things. I doubt it’s because she’s lazy and she doesn’t care or respect you or the kids. She probably has other stuff going on and trying to hide it and is doing what she feels capable of without breaking down. Talk and listen. Try to find solutions together.

22. Would you consider couples therapy? Sounds like she may still have some work to do on the mental front. .

23. I wish you would have just said no. And if she wants you to leave work early again, she needs to ask you in advance. Would she have been angry with you?

    While I agree that it appears your wife is inconsiderate of your time, we have to be responsible for setting our own boundaries.

    Dealing with this now with a husband who has been silently pissed at me for an entire year without saying anything. He blows up on me in front of our kid and now we’re getting a divorce.

    Say something. And if you’re not happy, do something about it. You don’t have to be with her if you’re not happy.

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25. I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of disappointing to me as a breast cancer survivor (who also struggles with mental health) to see the way you are belittling your wife’s treatment. ANY treatment that goes with having to wrap your head around your body failing you for any reason is going to be hard, even if all she had was surgery and even if she is happy with how it turned out. Do you realize she has to think about her body failing her every single minute of every single day? That cancer could come back at any time, despite them amputating parts of her body? (And that is exactly what they did, a single or bilateral mastectomy is absolutely an amputation.) And even if she is happy with her reconstruction, that she may still be extremely uncomfortable in her body?

    Life after treatment is much harder than doing the treatment because all you have to do is show up. Everyone expects you to be fine, because hey, you beat cancer, what have you got to be upset about?

    You are having a hard time too. That is expected and makes sense. It’s hard having to be in charge all the time. I hope you’re in therapy and you should probably be in couples therapy if you want to make this work because it seems like you both need to be able to communicate with each other better. Because believe me, she knows how she is failing you every day. But she is trying simply by getting out of bed every day, despite what you see from the outside.

    I’m not going to touch on the hair appointment because I don’t think that’s what this is really about.

26. Man I’m sorry but that’s really selfish.
    If it was her mental health or physical health that she had an appointment for. That would have been okay. But her hair ???
    Fuck your hair ! Your daughter needs you !

27. So how is the sex life? Amazing what a man can take as long as sex life is healthy. Understanding she straight up has medical issues but how is it when they are not in the way?

28. She definitely should consider going to counseling. She struggled with her mental health even before having to have a mastectomy.
    From experience- a mastectomy can be extremely traumatic and lead to severe depression. It makes one feel like a lesser woman. It is honestly a full blown battle every single day.
    She needs to seek out professional help. For herself, and for her family.
    It’s time to sit her down and have a very serious talk with her. Obviously you cannot force her to go talk to someone, but you could encourage her and tell her straight up if she cannot do this or will not do this, she will have to start figuring things out on her own. Finances, the kids, housing, all of it.
    The longer you sit back and say nothing, the worse this situation is going to get.

29. It’s hard to grasp why an inattentive mother, who rarely engages or does care services for her children has arranged to take both children on vacation independently and with the comfort of you as a spouse if she’s so unreliable at her ability to parent?

30. OP have you had a very honest conversation how your feeling? Your feelings are just as valid as hers!

    Edit I hope your daughter gets well soon!

31. Man I can relate to this on a spiritual level

32. If this is all “new” behavior, it may go back to before. Maybe the cancer scare changed her mindset a bit. Instead of worrying about dmall things, she decided to enjoy life. Which is fine but it shouldn’t come at your expense.

    Can you hire a cleaner? How old is your kid that’s in the hospital? 12 years and older? Can be left alone just fine for 3 hours

33. Sounds like you both need to be in individual and couples therapy. That would help you and the kids.

34. Also I sincerely hope things get better for you both once she figures her mental health out! It doesn’t sound like all is lost, she just needs to get her ducks back in a row like before her diagnosis.

35. There is a thing that happens after someone has and survives cancer. It can be physical but usually is mental. Facing her mortality is a very strange thing. Most outcomes that involve the word Cancer are not positive. I would call it a medical midlife crisis if I had to label it. You feel very secluded and alone…even with the best support system in place. You question every major decision you’ve ever made and the things that were once super important are moved to lower slots. I would suggest, as I’m sure you’re already aware, a therapist that specializes in Cancer Recovery and Remission. She has to face this with a professional. But her behavior is not at all unusual. Good Luck.

36. From your post it feels like you two need to either get in therapy together or take a long hard look at if you want to remain with her. I say this because it sounds like the seeds of resentment and bitterness are already beginning to grow in you towards her. If not stoped pretty quick it becomes something that will just grow till you can’t stand her and that often leads to divorce and a difficult time co parenting peacefully later.

37. Everyone hating on the wife has never had to deal with cancer or other terrible health diagnosis. She had a major surgery. Give her a couple years. Hire a house cleaner once a week. Ask her to reschedule the hair appointment for now, and then collaborate on future appointments.

    I dealt with a cancer diagnosis last year and it’s so fucking hard. You literally can’t imagine how hard it is mentally and emotionally. And then the physical pain on top of that. I’m sure you’ve been very loving and supportive during her struggles. But it sounds like her struggles aren’t completely over mentally. Give her time. Be kind. You have no idea what it’s like to have your own body betray you. And after all of it… I care a little less about chores and cleaning. I want to live a little bit selfishly sometimes; I want to make sure I do some things I want to do. I do have to remind myself sometimes that my kids future is the most important rn.

    There’s going to be ups and downs. People don’t magically heal overnight. Take it one day at a time. The laundry can be worn without being folded. Dinner can be eaten on paper plates. Try to communicate better on which chores she’s finding daunting and figure it out. In 10 years, stacked laundry won’t matter. The connection with your wife and the way your kids see you as a father and husband will. I wish you and your wife the best. Don’t forget empathy.

38. She obviously can’t handle them so the after school club is probably not a bad place for them to be at least they are having interaction there and not in front of the tv or playing video games. They probably get the homework done there. I have attention deficit disorder and had pretty bad depression when I was raising my kids it felt overwhelming and over my head and beyond my ability to handle them (though I was a single mother) perhaps she just can not handle them. It is easier to go to work than to take care of children I can say that.
    Tell her no you can not leave work for her to go to a hair appointment she will figure something out or cancel the appointment. Or if you can do it maybe having nice hair will help her to feel better about herself. Idk what the answer is having kids is hard. I do know they grow up fast and they leave so you should try not to let the child raising years ruin your marriage.

39. Doesn’t sound great partner wise but the only justification I can see for this is hair places often charge missed appointment fees

40. You need to sit her down and calmly tell her things need to change with her involvement of housework and child care. It could be she’s suffering depression if things were different once, but if so then she needs to get help rather than you and the children suffer or else you may as well take full custody because you can’t live like that nor have your children thinking that’s a good role model.

41. Ok. So I have been off work for 9, almost 10 months. I also had breast cancer caught very early, had surgery, chemo & radiation, and am still doing treatments every 3 weeks. Before my diagnosis, I worked part-time, and we also own & operate an Inn. We made the decision together that I wouldn’t return to work until the fall. This would give me time to heal, let my hair (and self-esteem) grow, and regain my mental & physical strength back. This all being said, I continued to do the household chores. I cook, clean, laundry, take care of our dogs (we even got a new pup), etc. I would never expect my husband to do any of this. I felt GUILTY if I had an off day (during chemo there were a LOT) and didn’t do as much as I normally would have. Am I a super hero, not even close. I am a team player. My husband brings home the bacon, so I damn well cook it for him.

    I feel like you need to address this situation with your wife. I completely get what she’s gone through, cancer wise. I don’t know the whole story obviously… but if she needs some mental health assistance, she needs to seek it out. It’s not an easy transition, but it’s not YOUR fault. I don’t know what else to say. I am sorry, but if you don’t say anything you’re going to end up resenting her, and it will ruin your marriage.

42. I think it’s more of a depression mode she’s on. Yes she’s gone through so much but as a cancer survivor myself, yeah I’m not the healthiest and yes I will have my off days but I’m not about to let it be an excuse for my husband to do everything in and out of the house or for me not to interact with my kids. Eventually it will take a toll on my husband if I don’t pitch in as well. You need to sit her down and talk about how her actions are wearing you down and how it makes you feel and suggest she seek therapy or a doctor consult to help manage her lack of initiative or whatever it is that makes her act this way. Emphasize on how you are doing this because you want to see her healthy and happy 😊 hope this helps.