Last year, I went to a house party to a man’s house (10 ppl, all from my university who I had met the day prior). We kicked it off and I made the mistake to text him after and share personal details with him, like my childhood. It started as me asking him if he was feeling better after being drunk the previous night and then we texted for maybe 1-2h. I had admitted to my partner (2 yrs together) we had chemistry after he asked me a thousand times last year.
My partner CLEARLY still holds it over my head. This is what he said when we took on the theme of jealousy yesterday
*“* (You had) *one on one conversations hours and hours long after just one house party, from what you told me there was not actually a house party … this was just a pretext so you can go there and be available for whatever happened next … you know better than me”*
I totally understand his pain, what I did was WRONG, but I have **never** said that there wasn’t a house party. How can he just accuse me of cheating and going there to be available for sex (that is how I understand it) ?!
I made a mistake yes but the mistake was ONE MESSENGER CONVERSATION and deciding to go to the house party. After lots of tears and talking, we solved it. He has been chill about it up until yesterday when he brought it up (it was relevant to our topic of conversation).
I APOLOGISED and APOLOGISED again and again both last year and today. And it’s like he thinks we slept together according to his message. I don’t know what to do: I spoke to a counsellor who told me I don’t need to defend myself but just write him a love letter instead of an apology letter, that highlights my devotion to him and the good times of our relationship.
So far I did write a love letter (that’s definitely my thing) but in the middle I kind of say this:
*All this to tell you that you are simply priceless to me. Really. And that’s why, it hurt me a lot yesterday when I read that I went to this guy’s house with a “pretext”. I don’t know what I said that left the impression that there was no house party. Whatever it was, it was a misunderstanding. I understand your feelings and your concerns, and I want to reassure you, so I did the only thing I could = went looking for the group chat conversations about this gathering to show you that there were other people, not just me, and also I looked up what I said to you prior to the party.*
Then, I show 4 screenshots. And continue on with sweet lovey-dovey stuff for a few sentences.
I have re-written this letter 5 times. Not even sure if a letter is necessary since, after apologizing yesterday, and him telling me I just lied to him AGAIN when I defended myself (I said “*All I can say is nothing happened, and as I mentioned last year, I just texted him to ask him if he’s feeling ok because he was very drunk the previous day I do acknowledge that it was a mistake and I hope you found it in you to forgive me”),* he did say he wasn’t mad and he said I love you so much.
But just the fact that he accused me of going with cheating in mind…….. and being by myself!!!! It’s like he’s delusional, because I have never said this.
What do you think about what I should do, is me showing a few screenshots a good idea, or should I just keep it at lovey-dovey stuff….? I feel like if I go into full defensive mode it gets very heavy and pointless, opens up old wounds, etc. but I dont know.
TLDR: I went to a house party **last summer** and had chemistry with one guy, who I texted ONCE after and we had some deep talk. My partner was over it after a few months, but just today, when we got talking about it, he said I told him there was no house party, and that I was going there to “be available for whatever happened next….”. I have literally never said anything like this, because there WAS a house party. I was thinking of writing an apology letter (on top of me already apologizing both last year and also yesterday) full of “im so remorseful, so sorry, I hope you manage to forgive me one day etc” but a counsellor recommended me to just write a love letter highlighting my devotion to him, and the good times in our relationship. So far, I have written a love letter, and in the middle I have said that the accusation hurt me a lot, and that the best I could do to reassure him is go and find the group chat of the gathering, and send him screenshots for him to see that there were a few people, not just me and him. What do you think is best to do ?
8 comments
I think you should tell him that it has been a year and you have apologized for the messenger conversation. If he still does not trust you, he needs to explain what he needs in order to restore trust and then never bring this up again. Because relationships don’t work without mutual trust. So, either he tells you what he needs and you consider whether you are okay with it or you break up and accept that he could not get over the messenger conversation and this relationship is too broken to fix. But don’t continue the relationship if he is going to keep bringing this up and keep not trusting you with no clear, explicit path to resolving this in a reasonable time frame.
I’d say the 999 times you lied to him before being honest after he asked you the 1000th time…might be the reason he is still annoyed.
How did he find out about you messaging the guy?
Your bf LOVES lording this over your head. Tell him to knock it off or break up. This isn’t normal. And you didn’t cheat. Your bf is abusing you mentally.
I am failing to see what you did that you need to apologize for here. You, gasp, texted a man. That is it. Assuming your text messages were not flirtatious (in other words, you could have sent the same message to a girl), then his issue with this is over the top. Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean you are a cheater. If you continued to text the guy for weeks and hid it from your partner, that would be totally different. Don’t accept him throwing this in your face any more. Simply tell him you are done discussing the hour of innocuous text messages you sent a year ago. If he can’t let this go, that you will let him go.
There are way too many nice men on this planet to put up with this
So the thing you did wrong was having a conversation with another man?
Your boyfriend has got you so twisted up that you actually believe you did something wrong. He’s using this to control and manipulate you. This is not a healthy relationship.
Having a friend isn’t cheating. Having a conversation about real life isn’t cheating. This man is abusive and isolating you. He will never stop because this is a convenient way to control you and tell you you deserve his abuse. Run!
Yea I mean, you went to a party, took steps towards cheating, and then lied about it. Your boyfriend clearly knew something was wrong, so he kept asking until you stopped hiding the truth.
You can’t force someone to get over insecurity you created. Do the right thing next time.