I’m a 26 years old virgin and I don’t know if it’s because of PORN or because my bullying experience (the guy made fun of me in front of a girl asking me if I was a virgin — I was 14 or so) but I’ve always had seen sex as something like it’s quite “violent”, and only “alphas” can do (redpill and more bullshit have Probably done all the damage here)
Generally I don’t think about it BUT , when I fell with a girl I was sharing flat with, one night I hear them fucking and it was absolutely traumatic and painful emotionally, it felt like being humiliated by the bully, like he was the alpha and strong and selected by her, and I was the little shy timid guy (it didn’t helped that I was on the comedown of an acid trip that was challenging on itself).
I cried so much. I felt so freaking bad. The pain you can not imagine. It’s like you can’t accept that could be happening. But you know, I moved out and forgot about her.
Now fast forward 5 months from now, I met this super beautiful girl that follows my stories on IG and turns out it’s into spirituality and niche stuff and me, also talks to me from time to time so…you know what happened right? I completely get obsessed and idealize about her. How she is different, she is perfect, she is one of my “group” , shes basically going to save my life lol because she actually likes me.
Fast forward yesterday I send her a DM telling her I’m done with her because I feel she ghosted me. She says she was never into me and that she has a boyfriend too (I knew this 2 months ago already but because I was such in love my mind would downplay it saying things like “meh she talks to you a lot she probably is thinking of leaving him”).
So know the PROBLEM that is making me wanting to kill myself: this last two nights I have been almost thinking non stop how she has actually had sex and gotten naked with a guy (a superior guy not like me). And she has been FUCKED. I can not stomach it. She was one of “my group”. She was good. Now she betrayed me. She submitted to a strong man. She is suffering and enjoying the domination and respect of the man she has in bed. (Yeap that’s how fuvked up its my view on porn).
How do I de toxic this mind??? I can’t bear this thoughts of she having sex and being in a way “humiliated” by him. (Why do I sex like that???”
3 comments
If you’re able to access therapy, it sounds like you could benefit from it a lot. Becoming fixated on women you barely know is not super healthy for you or for the women, and your insecurities and intrusive thoughts are clearly disrupting your life in major ways. Wishing you the best of luck in getting help and healing from these harmful beliefs and behaviors.
im sorry that you are experiencing such hurt and confused feelings. youre doing a very good thing by asking for help and wanting to view things in a healthier, less painful way
at this point i think the most effective action you can take to help heal your perspective and feel more confident in your worth outside of romantic relationships is to go to talk-based therapy with a licensed mental-health professional
i understand that it can be hard to access licensed, in-person therapy though and since i dont know where you are located right now i can only recommend the site 7cups.com which is a volunteer-based online chat site for mental health support
as a concerned human-being though, i really urge you to focus on things that bring you joy in your life outside of dating and romance. i also seriously suggest spending more time in nature to help feel at peace with your worth outside of how you are compared to other people…because they dont have anything to do with who you *are*
those women didnt owe you their affection and they arent able to fix you because youre not broken, youre just lost and confused and thats okay. what they do and who they love is not a judgement upon you. its simply them living their lives according to their own consciousness and depth of thought which, as fellow humans, is equal to your own
their existence, emotions, and actions in life are not done *for* the effects those actions have upon you, because they arent perceiving their relationship to you with the same weight of meaning that you created in your own mind
When you’re young and inexperienced is so easy to lack any confidence, and to get lost in your own head. I can remember so vividly feeling much as you describe. People in this state are so prone to forming inappropriate attachments. It’s so easy to let your fantasies run away with the first woman who shows you any attention at all.
Remember though that women have to interact with men all the time just as a matter of living life. Most women aren’t interested in most of the men they meet, that’s just how it is. That doesn’t make you “beta” but I think you know that already even if making yourself believe it is difficult.