I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 8. He was always so caring and respectful towards me in the beginning and I hardly recognize him anymore. He is angry all the time. He has a neverending resentment towards his ex (who he was married to before me, and who he shares two older kids with) as she “got everything.” To this day, he blames her for everything. And trust me, this woman is awful. She was incredibly verbally abusive to me in the early days of our relationship to the point I’ve had to block her out of my life completely.
Anyway, my husband’s anger has spilled over to me and the two young kids that we share. He yells at the kids constantly. Yesterday, he was raging so hard at our terrified five year old that I got in front of him and told him to stop, to which he screamed at me to get the F out of his face and shut the F up. He woke me up this morning yelling at me about something so ridiculous, some item my mom gave me that he says is garbage and I need to throw it out (yet he has a garage full of tools in every corner, tires stacked in the yard, clothes piled everywhere, and that’s not an issue). Our five year old again ran into the room because he heard my husband yelling and wanted to comfort me.
He says he resents me because I don’t make enough money (and his ex spent all his savings so I guess it’s up to me to make up for it). I gave up my FT job when our youngest kid was born to stay home with them. I care for them all day, all night. I cook, clean, chauffeur our big kids around. I do all the organizing and coordinating…the entire mental load falls on me. I work all night after the kids go to bed, into the early hours of the morning, at a remote job – no it doesn’t make a FT income but I don’t even know how I could handle a FT job doing everything else I have to do for our family. He doesn’t care about my happiness or my dreams, though I have always supported his, just that I take care of everything for everyone and somehow make a FT salary while doing it.
He’s impossible to please. But his anger is getting out of hand lately. He played sports professionally in his younger days and I am almost certain he has CTE, though I don’t believe it’s causing all his anger issues.
I reached out to a counsellor yesterday but I don’t know what to do while I wait for our appointment. I can hardly stand to be around him. My kids and I are on edge all the time, waiting for his next outburst. I feel sad and unmotivated to do anything as I’m so unhappy in my life. He is just not the man I married and I don’t know how to get through the days with him anymore.
ETA: And this is the manipulation. I’m sitting here writing in tears because I’m so upset and tired of this and he brings me a coffee like nothing is wrong. It’s things like this that make me think maybe I’m exaggerating and everything is fine and then he flies off the handle about something else.
16 comments
Do you have family who could take you in? Your husband is being verbally abusive and you need to remove yourself and your children from his presence.
First of all, he needs therapy. I don’t think marriage counselling will help. He has resentment and anger issues. Stemming from previous relationship as you said.
Tell him that his anger is destroying his relationship with you and your children. If he wants to fix it he needs to change.
Record him as well, so he can see what he is like.
But finally the first thing, you and the children need to be safe. At this point if they are rushing in because they are worried about you, this is doing so much harm to them and yourself. You don’t need that in your life. Remember what they are going through now wi shape what they become I. The future.
Anger management, counseling, individual therapy are all the suggestions I’d make. If these aren’t options then come up with an exit strategy and plan accordingly.
This is my husband except instead of anger he is severely depressed due to his ex and the situation with the kids he had with her. She is absolutely evil and doesn’t let him see the kids. His depression is so bad it effects everything around him. It’s been 7 years and I can’t handle it anymore so he’s leaving me.
He needs therapy and that only happens if he admits that he has a problem. Meanwhile you are stuck in the position of protecting these little children. I can’t begin to tell you how terrifying it is to have a raging parent like that as a small child.
So the above has to come at a time when he isn’t raging, where you tell him this is getting bad and he needs to learn and improve. And if he won’t, you have got to protect those kids, however best you can. And that may well be away from him.
Assuming that you are in the US, these people are here to talk with you and help you: https://www.thehotline.org or you can call them at 1-800-799-7233.
No, you are NOT wrong and everything is NOT fine. Do you have someone you can go stay with? You and your kids deserve so, so much better than this. You need to get away from him while he is like this and until he gets this anger thoroughly treated and maybe forever.
Think about that 5-year-old. Think hard about what is happening to that child. Be the mama that kid (and your other kid) needs. You can do this!! We are all rooting for you.
>I am almost certain he has CTE
Oh my. This is so tragic. If it is indeed CTE, there is no cure or treatment for it (edit: there are some in development, but nothing approved for use now), and things will get much worse. I strongly suggest you make an escape plan, and be ready to go when the time arises. This may sound heartless, but if it is that horrific brain injury, then there’s nothing you can do for him, and over time the man you grew to love will fade away and get replaced by a monster. The saddest part is there’s nothing he can do about it either. And even trying to help him puts you and your children in harm’s way. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children. My heart hurts for all of you. Please make sure you take care of yourself OP. And do not, under any circumstances, let your children play that sport.
>though I don’t believe it’s causing all his anger issues.
CTE (and other traumatic brain injuries) don’t work in a vacuum. They don’t cause the situations that make their sufferers angry, they cause the disproportionately angry and violent responses to those situations.
He’s extremely angry, bitter, and resentful. He does need help but he will probably reluctant to get it. He just wants back everything his ex wife took from him, but of course that’s not going to happen. Is there anywhere you and your kids can stay for a while to get a break from him? I’m sure it’s exhausting to constantly be on eggshells around him. You need to tell him that he is either going to get help for his issues or he’s not. You need to decide whether to stay or leave. If he’s not willing to get help then you know what you need to do.
Did he suffer a head injury recently? What is his age?
Go with him to the doctor. Get blood work and have him talk to a counselor.
He is not okay. And he is not happy. Don’t give up until you know for sure he is just mean.
Check out u/ebbie45. She’s a counselor who’s posted some great information. Good luck.
I would think that you would demand that he attend anger management counseling to resolve the issues he has been carrying around for years.
This reminds me of a [Best of Redditor Updates post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/v44v74/ops_husband_starts_acting_extremely_differently/) I saw about a month ago that collected some 4 year old posts. The husband was behaving oddly around their 5 week old, wife managed to get him tested, he had CTE.
Look into getting your husband evaluated.
A podcast that helped me realize where my power/ control is called beyond bitchy – mastering the art of boundaries. You can only control your own behavior. He is the only one that is responsible/ in control of his own behavior. You can influence each other but each of you are completely responsible for your own actions no matter if they try to blame you. Even if they say your actions or words made me react in a certain way. That is a false statement. They are the only one accountable for their actions no matter what you say or do. They chose to react that way.
Your feelings are valid! You are in control of your own actions. You get to decide what you want to do next or in response to the other persons actions or words. Please take care of yourself and put your own and your children’s self care as a priority over anyone else’s needs or wants. You need to take care of yourself first before you can focus on anyone else’s needs.
Has he been checked for a brain tumor? I know that sounds weird, but sometimes someone super sweet can get aggressive if part of their brain is not processing correctly. If it’s not a brain tumor, then you need to get out and he needs therapy. Is there family you can stay with? Is he willing to get help?
Just wanted to say I really appreciate all the concern and advice. I’ve been feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, and it’s helpful to have other perspectives.
I’m going to go forward with counselling and perhaps talk to my husband’s doctor again. I know CTE can only be diagnosed posthumously but if the doctor suspects it, maybe my husband can get help in other ways. We’ve talked about the possibility of CTE before so I don’t think he’d be opposed to it.
My kids are #1 so if things don’t improve and soon, I most definitely will remove them from the situation.