Im 21F, living on my own. Whenever I visit my mom and her bf, he always ends up talking about sex in some manner or about my relationships. For excample, he knows I smoke weed, and once he asked me in front of my mother about what sex while high was like. Another time I was helping him assemble furniture, and he made a joke about having kinky sex with my mom using the included zipties. I recently broke up with my long term bf, and now he keeps on inquiring about my dating life, and even asked me what types on men I was into. Hell, another time my mom was giving me some of her old clothes (literally just jeans and a tshirt) and she made a comment towards him about me looking like a younger and skinner version of her. Wtf???
This makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I have told my mom this multiple times. She keeps on telling me that sex is a very casual topic of conversation for him, and thats just the way he is. He also has no kids, so maybe he doesn’t know how to interact with younger people. She also claims that he does care about me and wants to form a family relationship, but this shit is weird as fuck. Ive been trying to tell her that I dont give a shit about what he considers normal, and that he needs to cut it out. She says she’ll talk to him about it, but I don’t think she has as shes a bit of a pushover with him. Like, when he was asking me what sex was like when I was high, I just stared at my mother in disbelief, but she didnt do anything, and left me to handle it on my own.
Im not wrong in thinking this is really fucking weird, right? Like, he hasnt done anything else besides this, but this is still uncomfortable as fuck and its extremely frustrating how my mom isnt doing shit. I get that Im not a child to be protected anymore, but I still feel like the onus is on her to do something about this. Like Im actually so fucking pissed about this whole situation, and my mom trying to tell me that this is normal.
24 comments
So your mom isn’t any help whatsoever and I doubt the guy will stop. I’d stop visiting at this point.
> I get that Im not a child to be protected anymore, but I still feel like the onus is on her to do something about this.
If you enforced your boundary and he disrespected it, then maybe seek her assistance. But as an adult you should want to speak up for yourself and not have others do it for you. So my question is, are you uncomfortable to do that and if so why?
You’re not wrong. Since you tried talking to your mom and she won’t do anything next time you should try and set boundaries with him, and if he or your mom don’t like it, too bad for them. ” Mom’s bf name, I’d really really rather it if you don’t make comments about sex around me or ask me about my sex life. It’s none of your business and I’m not comfortable with it. Please just stop with it.”
And he’ll probably try to push you or maybe he and your mom will gang up on you about it, so then just leave. Leave the room, leave the house. Anytime he brings it up moving forward, just leave.
Yeah I find that weird. Having said that, I do know a few people like this and they are totally harmless, even if they come across a little creepy. Keep setting boundaries with him, eventually he will learn to read the room. I agree that your mother should be having this conversation with him too. If he were making you uncomfortable by using racist slurs or constantly swearing, it wouldn’t be your responsibility to just accept his behavior.
This is weird. Your mom sounds like mine, married to someone that’s sexually inappropriate. My former stepdad wasn’t as direct as yours, but he still eventually tried to profess his love for my sister and tried to convince her to come over for sex.
In my opinion, you are not safe with him. Do not be alone with him for any reason, and you are absolutely not being irrational if that means reducing contact with your Mom, too, if she refuses to abide by your boundaries.
Nah, she is NOT justifying her creepy husband’s creepy comments to her own daughter by saying “that’s just how he is”!It’s apparently on you now, so, in the future: “Ew, did you really just say that to me?” “That’s a gross thing to say.” “I can’t believe you just asked that.” “I’m your gf’s daughter. I have zero interest in talking about sex with you.” All of these things following by a level and no-fucks-given stare at him. Other people are suggesting you be polite and reasonable with your boundary requests. but in my experience men like this will not respect that. I would be no-holds-barred firm & rude and also leave every time thereafter, if he persists. Or tell your mom that you won’t be visiting anymore if she doesn’t curb his behavior. (My partner would be out of my life so fast if he ever dared make a comment like to my daughter, who is your age.)
Your mom is dating a creep. It’s still wildly inappropriate to talk to the daughter of the woman you date about sex. Ask if she could just not bring him over when you’re visiting, unless he lives with her. Then, stay with a friend or something and visit your mom away from him.
Just look at him and tell him he is a creepy jerk and not to talk to you about sex.
my ex-stepdad used to spank me as a teenager and call me ghetto-booty, tell me to wear tighter clothes, etc..
avoid him. trust me.
Your mother is choosing an immature creep over her own daughter. Unfortunately, this happens when single parents put their own feelings of loneliness over their loyalty to their children.
You should stop going over there.
Everyone here is saying he is a creep, and I’m not going to say he’s not, but from what you’ve written I don’t think it crosses into creep territory either. Some people are just very open to talk about sex, while society in general is quite closed off. If he is a decent guy besides all of this, just tell him yourself your not comfortable talking about sex with him and your mother. If he stops, then he’s probably not a creep, just very liberal with sex.
That is creepy and grooming behavior trying to normalize sexual conversations so that you can freely be open about sex with him. Limit your time around that creep which means visiting your mom less. I bet you he crosses boundaries with younger females at work like that too.
Yes its hellishly weird. Since your mum wont stand up for you, its time to stand up for yourself. Call him out on that shit. Set clear boundaries and stick to em.
If by weird you mean disgusting
I don’t know why you can’t confront him and tell him to fuck off! He might just be trying to bond and is being super inappropriate or he is a creep. Either way you telling him to stop is the only way out of this.
If he makes you uncomfortable, i suggest you distance yourself from him. If mom does not make him knock it off, she may need a time out too.
They want to tag team you. Do not return unless you want to wrestle. I’m sorry OP
Alternative side quest: talk to your mom about it if you wanna wade into some mud with the possibility of it coming out clean
Yo, that’s hella creepy.
He is a creeper and you need to avoid him whenever possible and never be alone with him.
Stop going over there. He’s stupid. She is choosing him over you, don’t go over there anymore.
I’m sorry you have been subjected to this nonsense. You have every right to be pissed off at what he’s been saying. He’s being a big creep.
I’d recommend just trying to have another conversation with your mother about how creeped out and uncomfortable he’s been making you feel. If she doesn’t see how gross he is being then I would just plainly tell her you’re going to have to keep your distance. No one should be in that kind of situation with these inappropriate sexual remarks and innuendo. Good luck to you.
That’s creepy yo, what the heck. Definitery mention it to your mom.
Oof, sorry, just saw a comment, yeah stop going over then, if that’s the case.
He is indeed a fucking creepo. Don’t take this up with your mom anymore, though, she’s an enabler.
Next time, tell him “that’s none of your business. _NEVER_ bring it up again. I do not wish to discuss it with you.” Of course he’ll hem and haw about how he’s “just trying to be friendly” and “it’s just conversation” and other deflecting bullshit. DO NOT be afraid to make a scene.
“I don’t care why you think it’s ok. _I’m telling you directly_ that I never want to discuss the topic with you. I will consider any further attempts harassment. Do you understand?” Make sure he acknowledges verbally that he understands. Do not give him any wiggle room. Ideally, your mom would be there as a witness/second-hand recipient.
Of course, some people just can’t do confrontation on that level, and hey, that’s alright. That part is optional. What’s not optional is telling your mom afterwards: “if he does it again, I will not be around if he is.” Then stick to that boundary. No visits, diners, outings, etc. If your mom complains, just remind her that you can’t control her but you will not be around creepo bf.
Take care, OP