Like the title mentioned, my parents separated earlier this year after 29 years of marriage. It’s worth it to mention that I’m an only child and am really surprised they didn’t separate/divorce sooner. They have been clearly unhappy for years and have assumed roles as roommates for the past 10-15 years.
I’ll break down my experiences with each parent to help set the scene.
Mom:
Around Christmas last year, my mom came to myself and my fiancé (we’ve been together for 9 years) and told us that she wanted to leave my dad as she is unhappy and wanted to move on. We supported her and told her to do what makes her happy. We also got into discussions about her potentially moving in with us as a way to help ease financial burden after going through a costly divorce.
My parents listed their home in April and it is still on the market today. As things started unraveling, it came to the surface that my mom has been seeing another man for the last year or so. We’ve since found out that this guy doesn’t pay for anything, doesn’t have a car/license, and is now draining my mom for any money she has left. We have now told her that we are “going to wait another year or so before looking into purchasing a home”. This was the right move because we have zero interest in meeting this new boyfriend of hers or entertaining her relationship with him. She currently stays the night at this guys place and goes home to my parents shared home in the mornings to check in on her cats before heading to work.
My mom is in a weird period while she waits for their home to sell. She has no idea where she’s going or what she’s doing and I feel this weird responsibility to help her figure it out. It weighs on me most days as she is now a woman who I barely know. She is a completely different person that who I remember all these years.
In the midst of all of this, I am getting married later this year to my fiancé (m28) and have planned a destination wedding. We planned our wedding late last year before my parents even mentioned separation and as a gift for their 30th wedding anniversary, my fiancé and I booked their flights and an Airbnb to stay with us during our wedding. Basically we gifted them a 10 day trip with us. We feel like we can’t back out of this or ask them to pay a portion as both of them are financially strained.
EDIT: this was booked in September of last year, prior to any mention of them separating. They have both stated separately that they have every intention of coming to my wedding and being on their best behaviour.
Dad:
I’ve had a strained relationship with my dad after I graduated high school and didn’t go to college straight away “like he had always dreamed for me.” This is a another story for another day. When my mom told my dad their marriage was over (just after Christmas), my dad spiralled and tried to do everything he desperately could to save the marriage. Essentially, he tried to make up for his lack of effort over the last 15 years. This pushed my mom away even more and she finally put her foot down and said it’s over. When all of this happened, my dad turned to me immediately and begged that I “do something to save this family”. He could call and text me everyday crying that his life was falling apart. I told him to seek therapy and I set boundaries with him on what I was comfortable talking with him about. Time and time again he would ignore the boundaries and continue to contact me with inappropriate messages and calls.
For the last few months my dad seems to be in a better place but he still doesn’t know how to talk to me like I’m an adult with my own thoughts and feelings. He has a car that he’s OBSESSED with and that’s all he ever wants to talk about – it’s always about him and his interests. He also likes to tell me all the awful things that my mom has done to him since their separation. From what I understand this is typical narcissistic behaviour. He acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way and expects other people to make him feel better. Having a conversation with him is nearly impossible.
As they’re awaiting for their home to sell so they can separately move on with their lives, I’m still planning a wedding where they both will be attending and staying together. My mom is more interested in the wedding planning and being involved, but my dad doesn’t seem to care about much of it.
What the most frustrating part for me is that both of my parents have refused to seek counselling or therapy to work through their issues separately and have relied on me for emotional support. They barely, if ever, reach out to ask me how I’m doing, how my wedding planning is going, none of that. Their messages are always about them and what they’re doing. Most days I just don’t even bother responding to them. I really worry that the dynamic during my wedding trip is going to be awful and it’ll feel like I have to babysit and entertain them during the trip.
How do I continue to navigate both of these relationships with my parents as an only child? I’m emotionally drained and can barely even look forward to my own wedding trip with everything that’s going on. My fiancé is also emotionally drained dealing with his as well.
EDIT: how do I also tell them I don’t want to hangout with them? I get texts from my dad mostly saying that he’s lonely and for me to “clear my schedule” so we can go for dinner, or to hangout.
TLDR: my parents are separating after 29 years of marriage and I am getting married this year. My fiancé and I have purchased flights and an Airbnb before their separation so they’re staying with us for 10 days. We don’t feel comfortable asking them to pay for their portions now as they’re financially strained. My mom since has a new boyfriend who isn’t anything to write home about, and my dad has become incredibly narcissistic. They both rely on me for emotional support and I’ve reached my breaking point. How can I navigate this going forward?
20 comments
You have every right to set clear boundaries as to what you are and are not willing to do with each, and are under no obligation to discolse your boundaries with one to the other.
The responsibility between parents and children runs one way: safely and healthily raise the child to adulthood. There *may* at the discretion of that adult child be a responsibly to help care for an aging parent, but this ain’t that.
Your parents are adults, who should be seeking help for their own issues. If they won’t do so, you are not obligated to endure abuse from them, or to be their emotional dumping ground
Well your family is forever. So whatever you choose to do your parents will understand. We all make choices. As parents we have an obligation to pick up our own child’s mess, but it doesn’t work the other way around. You reap the consequences your adult actions.
Wow what a mess. I would get them to meet with the realtor to drop the price so it will sell. If it didn’t sell in April it’s not going to sell now.
Also you know your dad best but it doesn’t sound like he’s a narcissist. Just never thought your mom would leave him.
You can’t expect them to share an Airbnb under these circumstances. Cancel that and book them separate lodging.
This is so tough, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This has happened to a number of my friends, it’s more popular than I thought for folks to get divorced just as their own children are getting married.
I think it’s important you set boundaries. If your dad brings up your mom, say “Sorry, I think it’s best we don’t discuss mom without her present”. And repeat every single time. Hang out with him however much you/feel you can manage. If that’s never, that’s ok too! Make excuses, or be honest. Whatever you think will work best. I personally think honesty can be wonderful, eg. “dad, you mostly complain about mom, and I’m not interested in spending my limited free time entertaining those types of conversations”
For your mother, same deal, although this one is trickier as it sounds like you are closer in general. If you’ve changed your mind and don’t want her living with you, that’s reasonable and allowed. But it’s kinder to tell her now so she can plan accordingly. You don’t need to help her figure it out. Trust she’s an adult and that she will. Although, I do find with my parents getting older (they are still together), I still parent them to an extent.
>we gifted them a 10 day trip with us.
That is way too long to spend with divorcing parents as a newlywed couple. Cancel the Airbnb. This is not going to work if your dad comes alone, mother brings boyfriend. Cancel the flights and figure out something else.
> both of my parents have refused to seek counselling or therapy to work through their issues separately and have relied on me for emotional support
Stop giving it to them. Hang up, leave the room, whatever you have to do to enforce your boundaries.
I know it’s hard, I’ve done it with my own parents. Only my relationship with my mom survived and only after she was cut off for over a year and realized I was dead serious. If people consistently make you feel worse when you interact with them and refuse to change their behavior, you are totally allowed to just stop talking to them.
It sounds to me like the parent child roles have been reversed here. Not only that but your mother is using you as her friend / confidant which is also inappropriate.
Do you feel in your gut that it’s at all realistic that they’ll behave nicely toward eachother on the trip? Would the dread of the thought overwrite any happiness and excitement you’d otherwise feel? If so, maybe you can ask them not to come. It’s OK to put yourself first, and yeah losing money sucks. But if it becomes a nightmare you’ll remember the bad for the rest of your life – also after your parents pass on.
They’re adults. They’re hurting, and dysfunctional adults but still – if you find it hard to say it face to face, consider writing in a letter what your expectations are in terms of boundaries. And if / when those are ignored you act on it – be it by leaving the house, hanging up the phone, refusing to listen to your dad berate your mom and so on.
You’re not responsible for their lives.
Your dad is uncaring and your mom even though she was unhappy decided to cheat on your dad.
She could have ended it sooner or gave him an ultimatum way before she went off with another guy.
They are both messed up. if your mom is ok with cheating then personally that’s not the type of ppl I think Is good to be in your life.
I get they are your parents but you don’t have a responsibility to them.
They had you and this had a responsibility to you but it does not seem like they have done much to put you first especially now.
They have displayed negative characteristics that you probably very much disagree with.
Your mom is putting herself at even more financial strain with the guy she’s with now. And
Your dad and his car. Well maybe it’s all he has. Still like you said he was never close to you so you don’t owe anything to him either.
If it is possible to refund the air bnb then do that. You can split the money and they can find their own rooms.
Them being together in a room. Maybe even them being together at the wedding might just cause a scene and take away from what is supposed to be a happy festive time.
You’re doing good keeping your boundaries and should expect them to respect your decisions.
My advice is to cut them off maybe call once in a while if you feel like you need to. But otherwise just focus on you, your husband and your new family. They had years to try and fix things and reconnect with you I think both are just as much to blame and you should not risk your well-being and your relationship bc they were not mature enough to handle their own lives.
Are you sure that they’re really trying to sell the house? The housing market has been insane for a while, not many houses take this long to sell. Your mom doesn’t sound financially savvy, if your dad wants to he could probably manipulate the situation so they won’t sell. He’s certainly in enough denial to do it.
Boundaries. No one is going to have a nervous breakdown (aside from you!) if you don’t start limiting the amount of mental time you spend with them, and thinking about them. They will be fine, it will be a huge adjustment, but that is something they in a lot of ways need to work out on their own.
Now you get to shun your shittiest parent, so ya know, not always a bad thing
Stop being their dumping ground. They are choosing to individually make bad decisions, and you can’t light yourself on fire to keep them warm. If the marriage has really been over for 15 years and is only alive in spirit, then I think that your mother grieved the end a long time ago and is finally making moves to formally end it. If it was just a marriage in name only for the last 15 years, then I think that it’s only really an affair in name only. So I don’t fault her for the “affair” if they’ve both been checked out of the marriage for 10-15 years. However, you can’t keep sacrificing yourself for your mother. If she wants to go sell the house and move on, she should NOT be living with you. Be there for her to help with advice and resources. Go post up her situation on /r/personalfinance or /r/frugal. It sounds like she needs to either move in with this deadbeat boyfriend, or more preferably to go find roommates. They waited just a tiny bit too long to sell their house, but go post up on /r/realestate under a burner account and post up the ad to get advice as to why it isn’t selling. Maybe gently tell your mother that she deserves more than a deadbeat vampire, and offer to help her set a budget and boundaries. And if at the end of the day she finds excitement by being with a jobless loser, then it’s all on her, you have said your piece.
With your father, just continue to set and enforce healthy boundaries but be more direct. “Dad, I can’t be your therapist. Let me help you find one that is properly trained to help.” And then gray rock, refuse to JADE, and all of that other good stuff. Just be boring and repeat the same things instead of continuing to get dragged into his orbit. You can’t just set healthy boundaries, you need to ENFORCE THEM. “Dad, you are not allowed to talk to me about what you think mom has done, you have to go to therapy. Let’s talk about xyz.” And then YOU choose the subject. And if he refuses or keeps dragging it back, then you leave. “Dad, I told you that I won’t talk about what mom did. I am going to go home now, and I’ll call you in 2 weeks.”
With both of them, you aren’t setting AND ENFORCING boundaries. Tell each one that the relationship feels one-sided and you feel like you are bearing the weight of the end of this marriage because they refuse to seek help.
With your wedding, having your parents stay in your AirBnB is straight up CRAZY. Even if they were the happiest couple on Earth, who the hell wants their parents in the next room over in a 2 bedroom house during your WEDDING?! I feel like your fiance has to have a humongous problem with this and is just biting their tongue. This doesn’t feel like you’re putting your new marriage first. Your parents cease being your family when you get married, your immediate family is your new spouse and any kids that you end up having. Your parents are just the in-laws at that point. And having them be divorcing or recently divorced and sharing a 2 bedroom with you on your wedding night is such a horrid, horrid plan. Like, you couldn’t make that up in a raucous comedy because no one would believe it. I don’t care that they both have independently pinky promised you that they have every intention of making it work, that just isn’t reasonable.
They are ALREADY making it unbearable, why do you magically expect it to be perfect when you throw in the added stress of also being trapped under the same roof?
With regards to hanging out with them, set a schedule and stick to it. “Dad, I can’t clear my schedule. Let’s meet for dinner on Thursday at 6:30 pm, does that work for you, but in the meantime you need to see a therapist because I can’t be that for you.” And don’t be afraid to leave the dinner.
You’re being too accommodating given the circumstances. If money is not an option, give your parents a budget for 1-2 nights in separate hotels and tell them to figure it out. You’re busy planning a wedding, and perhaps even a future (marriage day 1 starts after you make that vow). Don’t do this to yourself or your husband.
Edit Also, if money is an issue, reach out to your network.. are any aunts/uncles/cousins coming who can take them for a night, so they can leave in the morning? If not, tell them they need to leave the place in the morning— your full honeymoon will be postponed a day, but imo imo, staying with them should simply not be an option. Especially since dad has already shown a lack of care for your set boundaries
My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage about six years ago. When they hit me and my siblings with the news, I was pregnant with my oldest son and their first grandchild. Things had been bad between them for a little while but the catalyst for the divorce was my mom finding out about my dad’s affair. It got hella messy for a couple of years, and my younger siblings, who lived closer to them, had to deal with the majority if the emotional fallout – but it was rough all the way around. My dad didn’t meet my son until he was two years old, and it took longer than that for our relationship to rebuild.
My advice? Take stock of your feelings and safeguard your own wellbeing. Try not to let the divorce come between you and anyone else in your family (siblings, cousins, etc who might take sides). Things will likely be tense with your parents for a while, but they aren’t owed your time or your sanity, and you aren’t responsible for their actions. Allow each of them to vent to you, if you feel comfortable with it, but only for a short time and only within reason.
At the end of the day, it’s weird to realize that our parents are their own fallable beings, with fucked-up tendencies and poor emotional coping mechanisms. It’s even weirder to deal with all of that when you are an adult yourself. But you will pull through and you will navigate the new normal – and in a couple of years, you will have an interesting perspective on the whole situation.
Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab Glover.
Great book with examples and practice dialogue.
It’s not a boundary if you keep letting them violate it. But you can change that going forward.
Good luck. I’m in the camp of cancel the Airbnb and change their flights. Doesn’t sound like a good way to start your married life together.
You’re doing a great job setting boundaries with them both. Keep pushing therapy and other supports for them both.
It’ll be hard navigating a wedding and a divorce, but only the wedding is your concern.
Maybe see how they handle the wedding and then strongly consider going low contact with them. Also, for the record, if you don’t tell people your boundaries how will they know what they are?
You just do. I know it sounds harsh but. Day by day morning- afternoon- night- repeat. You will get through this. They will hopefully find themselves. In the meantime. Try and figure out what relationship you want to have with both parent. All the best
Try this “I want us to see a family counselor together. I need this. I want a safe space with an impartial person to help us set boundaries and navigate this situation so that it isn’t miserable for everyone including me. Because right now I am at the end of my patience and energy. If we can’t figure out a way to do this decently I may need to be no contact from both of you for a while. I am sure none of us would prefer that option. I will schedule something and I expect everyone to show up”.
And I’d make a prior appointment. Talk to the therapist and tell them what is happening. Tell them you love your parents but that the situation is making you feel a little desperate and you hope to be able to set some boundaries without destroying your relationship with either of them.
See what they suggest. Even if one or both of your parents backs out you might learn some useful techniques.
Big hug and much luck!