Im getting to know this women and she’s extremely beautiful and sweet. Idk how far our relationship will get but she has 2 babies one is 2 and the other is about 8 months. I haven’t met the kids but i feel okay with being there for them. But my entire family sees it weird.
So i ask you men, how was it and how have you handled it ? Was it something you thought you could handle but couldn’t or something you thought you couldnt handle but did ?
44 comments
What happened to the father(s) of those children? You might be looking into a window of your own fate if you get into this mess.
Proceed with extreme caution or bail out now. Bail out now recommended.
It wasn’t a good experience, to be honest. On one hand I had all the responsibilities of a father, on the other no rights and no saying in how to raise the kids. This wears you down over time. And it crushes you heart when the relationship is over and you have to say goodbye to the kids. Never again.
Fucking drama
If you’re young, and you still have a long way to go, I don’t recommend dating a single mother. The majority of single mothers value “providers,” because they priotize their kids. So if you’re looking for a genuine relationship, someone who can comprehend your ups and downs, find someone who doesn’t have kids
Its was fun until it wasnt. Bad behaving baby daddys
The only issue was the worry that the kid would become attached to me and we would break up. That is what happened and it was horrible.
It all depends.
I was with a woman who had a great coparenting relationship with her ex, they just fell out of love. It happens. There was no drama. We’re not together any more because we just weren’t right for each other which also happens.
I’ve also seen really bad shit between parents. CPS and cops and all kinds of bullshit. REALLY glad I wasn’t involved in that.
So my answer is… it all depends.
Please for the love of god ask this on any other sub so you get a more balanced reply. I’d suggest r/AskRedditAfterDark
Take it slow, and if she wants you to meet the kids in the first 6 months it’s probably not a good idea
She had a wonderful step-daughter who I raised as my own.
When my wife died, Idaho sent her back to live with her underachieving father who had moved on with his life and married a woman with 3 kids. When I asked why, they said fuck off because she’s not mine.
While there’s rare exceptions….
It’s a waste of time.
First what’s the status with the kids dad? Still around ?visiting having to negotiate with your partner kid related stuff etc. If so learn to be comfortable with him deciding stuff about your household and the kids that you will be the one raising and loving. Are you comfortable with that ? With her prioritising kids and her ex opinion over yours ?
Happy that if you spend 5_10 years bonding with the kids and raising as your own to just leave and be expected to forget the kids of you break up?
It’s a lot of drama
I dated someone with 3 kids for 4 years and someone with 2 older kids for 10+ . There’s always drama …
Specially when you expected to basically be their dad. Provider, hug them when they cry, comfort them etc… But when they disrespect.you u can’t discipline or have your say ..expect a ‘youre not my dad from them and a ‘stay away from this from her
Single.mums are always sweet early on relationships because they know they have to score extra points to hide the downsides of raising someone else’s kids
Just to let you know, you’re going to get a lot of negative replies on this sub. They tend to view single moms very negatively regardless of the context.
At the end of the day, single moms are still people, just with different responsibilities. Some are amazing, a good number are pretty terrible. Just keep dating this lady, observe her behavior as a person, and how she raises her kids, and keep dating her just like you would any other woman.
Not great. Not something I generally recommend.
I would never do it again. YMMV though.
There’s just far too variables in something like this.
It’s pretty situational. Being with a mom with young children sounds like a nightmare.
Now I’m happily with an older woman with older kids and it’s not really a problem. I like them and nobody is looking for me to be a father figure and I’m not trying to be one.
Observe the Chuchoo Bird. Women with children are for those who have children of their own.
My wife had a child when we met (he was 8). We dated, married and had one together. For us it worked out well. We discussed everything before we married, even concerning discipline and religion. It wasn’t always the happiest home, but every relationship has its ups and downs. We were determined to make it work and that included long discussions with the kids. The kids are grown and on their own and we all still live each other very much and get together often to celebrate holidays and events.
The worst. I dated a single mom once only because she neglected to tell me she had a daughter until after 4 weeks of dating. Kept it going for a little while but then ended it because I ended up hating it. She brought up shit like moving in together, but I’d have to give up my office for a room for her daughter. Realized I don’t care for kids not my own.
I don’t recommend OP
Great i had a 3some
About 10 years ago, some friends were trying to set me up with a girl in our circle. Really nice girl, average-ish looks…dumb as a bag of hammers. Had a 6 or 7 year old at the time. Kid was CRYING for a father figure in his life. Noped the heck out of that – wasn’t ready for that responsibility, plus the though of “we start dating, kid gets attached, we stop dating, kid gets destroyed”. Plus, she lived literally two doors down and across the street. A couple years later, took interest in another gal…again, really nice, lot more attractive than the first…again, with a (I think) 3 year old daughter. For whatever reason – I had matured, or I was just that much more interested in the lady, I was more okay with the idea and willing to give it a shot. But alas, she had just started dating someone else (and I think they’re married now), so never got close enough to find out.
Its extremely different in every case. If you are interested in the long haul it can be well worth the extra effort and bit if drama to be loved by children. There is no love or warmth of spirit like a child’s, it can change you for the better to be there for them.
As a former single parent myself, you have to look at it not in just the way that she has the 2 little ones, but what if it were reversed, and you had 2 little kids…..your ex decides she didn’t want to be a parent, and leaves the 2 kids with you to raise on your own…would you hope someone would come along and date you, even tho you have 2 little kids already?
That being said…you have to decide if you’re mature enough to handle being a parent, because at that age, if you end up workingout with this girl, then you will essentially become their other parent, and father figure. My brother took on that role with 3 when he met his wife 14 yrs ago. Her youngest was 4 at the time, and they were neighbors, and talked, and she started cooking for him here and there when he’d help her with things around the apartment…eventually they started dating, and got married. Her ex was in the picture on occasion, but all 3 kids look to him as dad, and have told him so.
If you decide that you’re of an age that you feel you’re mature enough to date her, and take on that responsibility, then sit down and have a talk with her about it. Tell her you’re willing to be there for her, and help her raise the kids, but you want to know how she wants to raise them etc,so you’re on the same page as far as how things will go in coming years.
If you’re not ready to be a parent at this point in time…break it off now. You don’t need to play with her emotions, or even see the kids at all if you’re not sure. If you’re even on the fence about it, then you need to break it off, because you don’t need to be that guy who decides 2-3 yrs down the road that you don’t want to be doing this, and have teh kids now wondering where you are, and why aren’t you coming home.
Bad. Very bad. Don’t do it.
Depends on the mom to be honest. The times I’ve dated women with kids, the only bad thing about it was that I got close to the kids, and then I couldn’t see them anymore. I still miss two of them….
But, if the woman is smart and responsible, her being a mom won’t impact anything other than make you think differently about intimacy and time together. Single mothers (and fathers) get a bad rap. Everyone is different and don’t write someone off without getting to know them first.
When I got married (the 2nd time) my wife had two children, a boy 10 and a girl 12. That was 31 years ago now, and zero regrets. There were some hiccups early on, as the rules changed when I married their mother and we had children of our own, but that was really the worst of it. All four children consider themselves brothers and sisters, I’m no more or less a grandfather to my biological grandchildren than I am to those who are not. All in all, marrying my wife is still the best thing that has ever happened to me.
It certainly wasn’t easy. In time you will probably bond with the kid(s) and maybe that works out and you become effectively their Dad, or maybe it doesn’t and everyone gets hurt if the relationship ends. Also children are very hard work to raise for a good number of years. You have to expect and accept that the mother’s priority will be her kids and not you. Of course that’s only right, but also hard to take in some ways. You can’t really have a standard dating experience and miss out on a lot of couple’s time.
If you feel you’re ready to be a father then I don’t see any problems with her having kids. Considerably easier with young children because they won’t be comparing you to the father they used to have. As far a your family is concerned the may be picking up on some red flags you haven’t noticed. Ask that what it is that concerns them about your potential relationship with this woman. If it’s just because she already has children with another man then I wouldn’t worry about their opinions….. on anything really.
I did it. It sucks. U would have to knock her up fast so that u guys had a kid together. Then u could all be a family.
My brother married his wife who had a 3 year old girl and a 6 year old girl from a previous relationship. The ex had them every other weekend, but otherwise they grew up with my brother and their mom. When the girls were about 14 and 17 is when the issues started. The ex always wanted custody over the kids and over the years started getting more and more aggressive over it, until eventually he went to court over it and the girls ended up saying thart they felt unsafe with my brother in the house (he was in the military and had some pretty horrible ptsd), and the judge ended up giving custody to the dad. It was a huge ordeal and really hard on my brother, who had pretty much raised them since they were kids, and of course their mother. It wasn’t until a few years later when my brother was talking with the oldest daughter, his relationship with the youngest still hadnt improved, where she admitted her dad had convinced the two of them to lie about feeling unsafe so he could have custody. My brother told me how much it hurt to have spent so much time with the girls and to have put so much effort into his relationship with them for them to turn around and lie about him and basically betray him.
Kids are a big responsibility. Even if they aren’t yours, as their mothers b/f-sweetheart-significant other, a lot of that responsibility is going to come your way.
One thing that isn’t talked about enough is the disposition of the mother. If she’s a single mother, she’s already made a life long commitment and planned a happily ever after that didn’t work out. The reason for the fall out is usually one of 2 things-(1)either she’s unreasonable and not someone that is qualified to live up to the responsibility of a long term relationship or (2) the person she made it with wasn’t qualified to live up to the responsibility.
Even if it’s more 2 than 1, you have to realize she’s already had a world & life she dreamed of gone awry. It’s not easy to take a leap of faith that someone else might be the person you can have it with.
I met my SO when my daughter was 6. I was a single mum with a full time job. My daughters father had passed away a while before. I’m a strict parent and my daughter was extremely well behaved. I think that’s crucial if you are expecting to date as a single mother.
When I met my SO, he made it very clear that he didn’t want kids of his own and he didn’t want to get married but he was absolutely fine to take on a stepdad role, to whatever degree I wanted him to.
Fast forward 18 years and “our” daughter is an adult now. He is the best damn dad any kid could wish for and we’re an extremely close, happy family. I love him to bits for taking a chance on me.
Edit: just to add, because I saw you ask this elsewhere, my SO and I were both 27 when we met.
Its better when the kids are younger, easier to bond with, just have to remember there might just come a time when they will tell you, ‘your not my real father’, And that absolutely crushing.
Like people tell your it’s a hard one. Super hard one. I’m female, 34, he has two kids, 3 and 2. They love me. I love them. Buy it’s not easy, it just isn’t. And there’s no proper advise I could give you but tell you you have to agree on things with her. It’s hard mate. Real hard.
Two small kids vs school age kids is a hard call. Lots of work even if just dating.
Take it slow or possibly just be friends 6 months and observe and be there for her. If she starts seeing another dude within 6 months that ain’t you she just open to anyone coming up to bat and you dodged a bullet.
Be sure those kids are the same dad and whatever they had is settled. She hasn’t been single long and it should concern you she’s looking around with 2 little ones that’s a handful
Like throwing a sausage in a hallway.
Run bitch run!
Awful, so I went on a permanent cigarette buying trip
It wasn’t good, the father of her kid also “cheated” on her and didn’t assume the responsibility, till there you think there’s no problem that everything will work but in my case she still have feelings for him and also she always gonna put the kid above you so if the father come again or she won’t be able to have time for you, you have to take it, and if you broke and you already develop feelings for her kid it will hurt you, not to add that probably she will replace you more easily as she did before cause she have two kids to worry more, so I won’t recommend it.
You wouldnt load up someone elses save of a game, would you?
My husband married me. And recently told me the main reason he fell in love with me was watching me with my 2 older children, how nurturing and caring I was. They were babies when we met, they are 17 and 13 now. And we also have 2 children together who are almost 5 and 2.
Was in a relationship with a woman when I was 21 and she had a 6-7 year old daughter at the time. I didn’t mind it honestly but I don’t think I would do it again.
Only “bad” thing I’d say is that her daughter at the time ALWAYS threw a fit and would cry (often fake cry) just to have her way and she knew it would work. Her mother wouldn’t really discipline her either, she kinda just didn’t have it in her to do so if that makes sense. And I sure as hell wasn’t gonna do it because she wasn’t my kid so I was in no position to try.
Also I didn’t feel any emotional connection to the child and couldn’t form a bond really other than just playing with the kid here and there as if I was a friend.
From what I’m reading here, I’d advise you to slow down. No matter how slow you think you’re taking it, go slower than that.
I see that you’re eager to explore this connection you feel with her. It’s good to explore that in a slow enough manner for her behavior to reveal why she’s a single mother of two who is dating not even a year after having her second child.
While there may not be any glaring red flags, there are certainly enough yellow flags. And yellow means… Caution.
There are two ways this can play out. One is that you explore it and it just keeps getting better and better. In this case, celebrate.
The other of the likely outcomes is that you get your feelings hurt. At this time, you tell yourself “Well, now I definitively know the answer to the question I asked on reddit a while back.” Then chalk it up to experience.
Good luck!
I have thought about and considered this for many years. Idk if I could raise another man’s child.
I have the upmost respect for anyone else who does this.
Can’t relate, but my sister has two kids whose dad is a total asshole. didn’t care about the kids, went to prison. The guy who she’s dating now is really cool, and very soon after they started dating he talked with her about moving forward with him being the main father figure to her kids. That guy’s cool.