So the girl I dated for 2 months has now told me the dreaded “she just wants to be friends”
**Background -**
I dated this girl for 2 months. I felt great chemistry, we got intimate and my efforts were being reciprocated. So I was feeling positive and very attracted to her. Then I travelled abroad for 2 months and this created a distance. While I was abroad I could sense the relationship weakening and increasingly the communication being one sided from me.
When I returned back and met her to sort of pick up from where we left, she told me she “just wants to be friends” and while I was away that allowed her time to think about us and introspect and she does not feel the same way anymore. She said the main reason is I want to have kids and she does not want to have and there is no point in us dating if our expectations do not match.
My view is that is thinking far too ahead and we havent reached that stage, but she kept insisting why invest time if our expectations do not match.
She said she appreciated all the care and affection I showed her.
**Current -**
She suggested we can remain friends. We stay in close proximity to each other.
I simply said I do not want to end as friends and want to continue to date and get to know each other. She said that is my decision but if we are friends we can always catchup for a meal or drinks in the evening. She even said she could visit my place.
I put it firmly that I do not want to be “friends” and either we date or there is nothing.
1. Now I am unsure if this was the right thing to do? This means the END. I did like her, so this is a difficult choice.
2. Or should I keep some relationship OR friendship as was offered to me and expect things to change given the past chemistry.
3. Thoughts on the information I have provided?
Thanks
30 comments
It’s over, friend. Better accept it.
If you can’t handle just being friends you need to tell her and cut her out of your life for your sake
She was being mature, you should move on. The end is the right move. You two aren’t compatible. I think there are very few things that are truly deal breakers on their own, but wanting or not wanting kids (along with a few others like role of religion in your life) are deal breakers. If you want kids and she doesn’t you CANNOT be happy long term. Kids should never be something you compromise on it will lead to regret and anger down the road. The wonderful thing about dating in your thirties is people recognize what they want sooner, which is a great thing.
You should believe when people tell you what they want. Continuing a friendship with the end goal of getting in her pants is misleading and again will lead to anger and regret when it inevitably blows up.
Because you both want different things ultimately (children vs. no children), I think she made the logical and more sound decision for the both of you to not move forward. That’s a deal-breaker subject, and it sounds like she has a hard no placed on the idea of children if that is her reason for ending things.
I don’t recommend staying friends because you still like her romantically. Maintaining contact will not serve you well, or help you to move on.
Edit: You should actually consider your 2 month trip a blessing in disguise because even if you don’t see it now, her changing her mind saved you guys a lot of wasted time and hurt feelings in the future.
How old is she???
Move on. End it.
That totally depends on you. If you are able to let go and just be friends with her and want to stay friends because she’s awesome and you would like to keep her in your life, I think that’s great. If you are staying friends with her in the hope that you can rekindle a relationship, that’s not going to end well for anyone.
Having different opinions on wanting kids is a really solid reason to not peruse a relationship.
If you want to have kids and she doesn’t, what future potential do you see? It reads to me like a wise reflection on her part. As much as it might hurt to break off now, it would only get harder with time if that’s the eventuality anyway.
I don’t stay friends with people I’ve dated, so I do understand that mentality. I wouldn’t have phrased it quite like that, but I wouldn’t recommend changing your mind about it either. Sparks of hope are hard to contain in the hopeful – it might get in the way of finding someone that can make you happy on every level.
Why do people still use let’s be friends as a breakup tool in their 30’s?
Everyone I’ve actually remained friends with afterwards did not end like that.
And the ones that did, they all wanted me to do the romantic part when they needed it for validation or to feel better but they wanted to at best do the acquaintance part.
It would be best to move on because of your different long term goals. There’s no sense in wasting time if you can’t get on the same page about kids.
>My view is that is thinking far too ahead and we havent reached that stage
This makes me wonder if there was a part of you that was hoping to change her mind.
She has actually made a very wise decision, although I don’t think it’s wise to try and stay friends, mostly because if you do harbor any kind of hope in swaying her decision this will impact and inform your “friendship”.
It’s unpleasant when we don’t get the outcome we had hoped for but I think cutting ties would be the wisest move on your part.
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Your only intention of a possible friendship is to date her again. That alone is disturbing enough. The fact that she is the mature one and you try to convince her otherwise, is even worse.
You are neither relationship or friend material
I am stunned to see this posted in dating over thirty. Thinking ahead to kids is important even if your relationship isn’t at that point, because there’s no happy long-term future available to people who disagree.
You don’t need to be friends with anyone!
Wanting/not wanting children is a huge thing for one of you to to compromise on. I get what you’re saying that it’s so early to think of those serious conversations, but with something that big it kind of is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I agree with her, if you both want different things it doesn’t make sense to continue down the dating path just to get attached and make it harder later? And if you both feel strongly about the kids thing then it’s not fair for either of you to have to compromise on that. Otherwise it could cause resentment in the future.
In my opinion it’s best to end the dating part of your relationship. If you feel like you honestly can’t be friends then cut ties and move on.
I doubt she is interested in casual with you. Keep in mind that her fear is that you guys get serious and date for a few years, and then you dump her because you realize she is serious about not having kids. There’s no way around this.
Usually, I agree to remain friends and then never reach out.
>My view is that is thinking far too ahead and we havent reached that stage, but she kept insisting why invest time if our expectations do not match.
Did I miss something? You’re in the dating over 30 sub. When did you think she wants to have kids, when she’s 45? She does need to be meeting someone now.
And it’s really just postponing your breakup if she wants kids and you don’t. I’m confused about where you thought this could otherwise end
it sounds like this isn’t a good friendship for you if you feel this invested in it and are confused as to why it’s not working out, because to everyone else this is a clear mismatch
You don’t have to be friends with everyone that you date. You’re allowed to reject their friendship.
If you’re hoping that staying friends will make her change her mind in the future then don’t do it.
Dude, she wants kids. You don’t. Move on.
Move on already. You first said to her you wanted a serious relationship, and you want kids. Now you are open to casual, but if I were her, I wouldn’t believe it. You may think you want casual, but if that were the case, you’d have moved on already and not get so pushy about pursuing something she clearly does not want. Leave her alone.
1. You guys aren’t on the same page about kids, that’s a huge decision. I don’t even know what “Haven’t reaches that stage” means, either people want them or not, she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone that isn’t on the same page on that. Even if you tell her you would consider not having kids at this point, she’ll always have it in the back of her mind that you wanted kids and could cause problems later on (which it very likely could).
2. You did good on the friends or nothing, leave it as is. Why the fxxx would you want to torture yourself now that you’re in the friend zone. Once a girl friend zone’s you, usually there is no going back. Specially if she’s had 2 months to think about it.
She does not want kids and trying to “convince” her is not a point to go with… she is firm. It’s a HUGE thing and being the one who literally grows the child and nourishes it from your own body is a whole level of complex I’m not sure a man can understand. And this is before the weird power politics of the modern world and how women who are also mothers are given such huge, conflicting expectations and responsibilities. While people may change their minds later, it is a decision that can only originate from within and needs to be respected either way. Deep respect is pretty key in a relationship. You absolutely cannot bet on her doing so or put pressure.
So, if you really do want kids, she is right, why continue? You’ll get her attached, then break her heart later? Best to end things before it gets even harder.
If you cannot be friends because the desire for more is too strong, don’t try. That’s valid. If you think having her in your life as a friend might be good for you both, reduce contact for a time and see how it goes. But both decisions are totally ok. You get to set your own limits, too.
You say its too early to think that far ahead, but I dont really understand that. If you want fundamentally different things then you shouldnt try to make a relationship of it because someone will be left unfulfilled in their life. Unless you arent dead set on having kids, or she is flexible on the issue then there really isnt. Her saying she would visit your place still just sounds like a FWB situation to me, maybe im misreading from my limited perspective.
I suspect she may have met someone else over those two months and is shelving you as a backup option in the event things don’t work out.
You are right to turn down the friendship offer. A true platonic friendship is impossible if one has a romantic interest in the other. All that does is prolong disappointment and heartache for the party who has romantic intentions….no one needs to subject themselves to that
Sux to hear but this only means you are one step closer to meeting the right one for you – so dust yourself off and get back out there!
Good luck!
You aren’t cool for a casual relationship though. You mentioned in your post you would befriend her with the hopes her feelings would return. Just move on, I promise you nothing good will come of this when you have these feelings.
Also based on what you’ve said you have already passed her boundary for what is considered casual. A one night stand or a few hookups is casual. Talking about the future and texting her constantly while away for two months is not. Respect her boundaries she said friends or nothing you said relationship or nothing that’s the end.
I have friends with that dynamic. One kids. The other didn’t. Now they’re pushing 40, have a 7 and two 5 year olds, and cold war at home. The one who wanted kids is doing 90% of the work, and resenting the other, while the other resents the entire situation. And the kids are a mess, caused by the issues and making everything worse for it…
Who would want to do that to themselves?
Do her a favor and don’t talk to her anymore. Cultivating a friendship in the hopes of it becoming a relationship with someone who has explicitly stated they don’t want that is a dirtbag move. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want kids hoping to change their mind is a dirtbag move.