My husband isn’t happy that I’m spending too much time on my phone and I don’t know how to have a healthy conversation about it

Husband: 33M
Me: 33F
Together for 10 years, married for 2.

Yesterday my husband told me that he thinks that I’m spending too much time on my phone, but he said in a way as “it is what it is…”

I didn’t say anything in response because he isn’t wrong and I wasn’t going to argue. But of course we need to have a conversation about it. I don’t want to be defensive or projecting in anyway but I also don’t know what to do, honestly or how to reduce my screen time.

I have to say that, I’m not one of these people who lives for the gram, I post maybe once every 3 months. I don’t obsess about aesthetics of everything. I’m not on my phone when we’re having dinner, when we’re interacting, doing something together, when we’re on holidays. On weekends, I will leave my phone in the bedroom and go to the livingroom for snuggles, breakfast, etc. And only pick my phone up in the afternoon. Sometimes I even wait for him to initiate screen time so I can start mine.

I sound good, right? I am not. Because all of these moments are actually very little in our lives. And I’m constantly on my phone pretty much any other time.

My husband has a stressful job and sometimes he’s not ready to interact after work. I always welcome him with a hug and smile, ask him about his day. He will always say the same thing and never talk about it unless I ask very specific questions. He sits down on the couch and finish some work emails while I finish up the dinner. Or he will turn on the tv/playstation immediately. When this lasts the entire evening, I am on my phone for sure.

He gets so tired he doesn’t want to do anything on weekends and just wants to be in his corner. So if I’m home and not working, I’m on my phone.

In public transportation and Uber he doesn’t really like to talk to me so I’m on my phone.

I don’t want to make it sound like he’s pushing me to be on my phone because it’s a choice for me. I could be reading a book etc. And sometimes I spend my weekends working or doing housework. Or sometimes I go out with friends. This said, I’m never late to anything or miss anything because of my phone habit. It’s usually him that I need to peel off of couch and he will avoid making plans if he just wanna watch some tv and play video games.

And he really doesn’t look at his phone if there’s no need honestly.

I have anxiety and adhd so phone is like a fidget spinner to me. I use it to avoid hearing how loud my thoughts are. I also use it to create a transition between two tasks because I have hard times with that. So if I finish cleaning the kitchen, I’ll stay on my phone for 15 mins before starting to clean the livingroom and rest my back. It’s not always the case but mostly is. I’m also alone mostly, he leaves at 9am, comes back between 8pm to 10pm. I have my social life, my business and my own life but I do it when he isn’t home mostly. And when he’s home, I kinda put myself on standby hoping he’s in a good mood to spend time together. And my stabdby is basically numbing my brain with my screen.

I also see everything in life as a project management. So I’m on pinterest a lot, planning and researching a lot for the next big thing whether it’s a vacation or an event.

I also work on my phone at times, replying to customers, posting on social media. But that’s like 30% of my screen time.

I want to be able to explain all of this to him without being accusative or defensive. It might sound like excuses. It might sound like I’m pointing fingers at him. I don’t know, I accept his need to decompress the way he wants after work or be a little aloof because he isn’t like that at all when the work stress is gone. I don’t want to sound like he has to make changes if he wants to see change in me because I don’t expect him to change at all. I don’t even know how to address it. Please help, I’m sure there are people in similar situations.

TLDR: My husband says that I’m on my phone all the time, but it’s mainly because he is watching tv or playing video games. I don’t know how to tell him that without being rude or judgemental.