My partner (27f) and I (29m) are traveling in a country she used to live in. She seemed troubled for a while and we kept getting into arguments. We got to the verge of breaking g up and she said she wanted to keep trying. At midnight before we were about to leave a city, she told me that an ex of hers lives here and she wants to have a coffee with him. She had hinted at wanting to stay solo an extra day or two in the city as well. I feel so confused. I asked her when they started talking about this and she said she didn’t have to share with me and wouldn’t tell me. I told her it felt like something was going on because of her hardline on being private about this and she basically just told me to deal with it. Looking back from before we even went on the trip it felt like she didn’t want me to go. I can point to concrete examples. What is going on?
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OOOOF that’s not great. At the same time, I’m not hearing _you_ wanting to give the relationship another chance.
Maybe she should just take the trip solo
…that’s screaming so many red flags to me. The fact she won’t open up and be honest about it and wants to have solo time with her ex? Especially when she’s not being upfront?
Nah man, that’d be a hard line for me. She’s being shady, won’t communicate and just expects you to deal with it? Those aren’t signs of a loving and commited partnership?
I’d say get out. Get out now. Usually I’d be all for ‘try to make it work’ but she doesn’t seem to give off the vibes of wanting to work through things at all. Instead it’s ‘deal with it.’ The good news is, you don’t have to just deal with it. Do what is best for you.
You know, I’m a fairly jealously free person. I don’t think of relationships as being some kind of property, none of that kind of bullshit. So, don’t think what I’m about to say is because of any kind of ganglia hangups or hyper conservative thinking.
But, dude, wtf? There is no way in hell that’s acceptable. Maybe with a good enough reason given, maybe if it wasn’t such a weird way of her approaching things, but what the actual fuck?
Not just no, but hell no. I’m laid back as hell about things related to exes, but I would be flipping my shit in your place.
Like, coffee with an ex, I can see reasons why that would be okay. Me and my wife have dinner with one of my exes and her husband every now and then. I sometimes meet up with a different ex and her wife when they’re in town. Hell, my wife’s first boyfriend she had as an adult and I game together sometimes. Exes don’t have to be enemies, or a threat.
But this is all sketchy as hell. For me? This would be a deal breaker, and I obviously don’t have an issue about exes. It’s the whole secret squirrel thing, the hard wall of privacy that makes it weird as hell.
I can’t say what’s going on. I can’t even say what you should do. All I know is that this would be something I would not accept in any way. With all the secrecy, I would draw a damn hard line, and I *hate* ultimatums. This one though? Nah, it would be a “do this and we’re done”.
You are an unwanted distraction on her trip to see if she can reconcile with her ex.
Bro…. Leave that chick, now
This is so absurd I am not sure you need advice
Dump her and don’t look back. This is absolutely not acceptable. Don’t negotiate or reason with her. She wants to cross a boundary like this, it shows that she does not respect you. Leave her in the city with her ex bf.
Sorry this is happening. Seriously, don’t waste any more time on her.