My wife (41f) and i (43m) have been together for 16yrs, married for 11yrs with 3 kids (8,6,2yrs). We have a typical relationship, with highs and lows and have grown stronger as time has gone on in my opinion. The reason for the post is the changes i have seen recently that are making me question is she happy with me and our life or if im just finding a problem?
We have had couples therapy before (6yrs ago)as we struggled with intimacy (no infidelity) after our 2nd child which has allowed us to be better at communication and saw us lvl up as a couple. We even did all the 5 languages of love etc.
About 6 months ago my wife says she wanted to sort herself out physically and was going to try and tone up , to which we both decided we would do together as we both wanted to be healthier and also nobody wants to cook 2 seperate meals for a family of 5. We have both achieved great results and feel better for it and we are looking pretty hot, if i do say so myself. My wife has always been hot and i let her know everyday. At about the same time my wife has also been transforming the way she looks, with new hair style (i miss her long hair but she is rocking a slightly shorter look), new clothes, shoes, bags etc. With this new look comes the new routine and she seems to spend hours getting ready for work or kiddy care (she only works 3 days), to put it into perspective when i go to my head office with a 2 hr drive, she will get up at the same time to be ready. She also watches alot of fashion blogs all night. All this has been great and our sx life had been good but slowly it started to dwindle and im lucky if its once every week or two. Its not just the sx, its also the little intimacy bits like txting/ringing to see if im ok during lunch or responding to a cheeky/complement(Before you ask im not being a txt pest). Looking back over our msg’s i can clearly see its one sided and rarely its anything but can i get something on the way home. The sx has also taken a one sided turn, ive started to give up trying to instigate it as it never works (rejection sucks!) and its always on her terms. She only wants it on an evening if she can stay awake past 9 or she’s not glued into a boxset. I have even started to feel that sometimes its just because she knows its been so long since the last time and it always starts with me having to give her a full body rub (I trained in massge and reflexology when i was younger).
The trigger for me was during cooking dinner the other day, i held her from behind (non sexual) and gave her a peck on the neck and asked to see if there was anything else i could do as we were both running around the kids and cooking. Her response was to tell me that “she wasn’t feeling it and to let her come to me”. I was taken back by this as i hadnt tried anything on with her but it made me feel like i repulsed her or had offended her. Also she hasnt come to me while ive given her space.
Am i reading too much into all this or have i reason to be worried for us? Has she gone off me, is it a mid life crisis? Im just confused.
Bit more context about our relationship and couple dynamics. I work from home, main earner, am a very hands on dad, do most cleaning/washing (home working), cooking and try and do as much DIY as i can when free time presents itself (not alot with 3 kids). Im also very attentive/giving to my wife with massages, listening, space, gifts as i like to do things for her to make her happy. I also make sure i have a good work life balance and make time for her and the kids.
15 comments
On a scale of yes to most definitely yes, how likely is it that your wife is cheating on you?
The extra time on herself makes sense, she got healthy and fit and wants to show it off. Your intimacy issues need communication you said you’ve gone through it before and unfortunately getting over that then doesn’t mean it can’t come back. You really just need to talk it out
It might be that she just needs some time to herself because she is working on her self image. Probably having an open discussion with her would be great. She already told you a bit that she wants space. I’m also female and when I went through a lot of therapy and my self image changes I also started doing my makeup and got a new haircut and style. But I might be off here. In any case I wish you luck!
I feel for you, man. It’s horrible when you feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort. Your post reads like part of her has checked out of the marriage. That doesn’t automatically mean she is cheating, of course, but your general concerns sound perfectly valid. Good luck.
Seems to me you just got comfortable and in a routine and complacent in your marriage. You work from home and are constantly home. Yes you are a husband and a father, but you have also become your wife’s nanny, babysitter, roommate, maid, whatever because you are constantly home. Please correct me if I am assuming anything wrong.
Are you doing anything for yourself? besides working out. Are you still working out? Together with your wife or on your own? What are your hobbies? Do you do anything for yourself away from the family or your wife?
I think what is going on is that you have become a roommate with your wife, in a sense that she knows what you’re doing majority of the time, knows where you are, you’re home almost all the time. Looks like she doesn’t have any time to miss you or think about you, she sees you all day everyday. Sure you got fitter and do the chores around the house and take care of your kids, and that is important, but that only goes so far in attraction/interest from your wife. If you want intimacy, you are going to have to do so much more and a little of the opposite of what you are doing already.
You need get busy with your life, and I’m not talking about being so busy you miss time with your wife and family and being a husband, but you need to get busy for yourself. Working out was a great start, but continue to work out, while making time for being a husband and a father, don’t abandon those two roles for yourself. You need to prioritize your work time and free time and also putting in the time to be a father and husband. Find a hobby to do maybe once or twice a week, maybe hang out with your friends once a week doing soem sort of guy thing or meet up, maybe do something with your children once a week or on the weekend without your wife, join a sports club or maybe a solo sport, work out more, take some classes like a language class or cooking, or just do something you’ve never done before and work it into your life, make your wife miss you more pretty much. If you are available 24/7, acting clingy, acting like a little puppy craving for attention from your wife, it will only make things worse. Make her miss you, make her want you and crave for you. Find something to occupy your free time.
And by no means do I want you to abandon your work or your duties as a husband and a father to your children.
Your wife sees you as a caretaker to her. You need to be that loving, secure, caring man she fell in love with years ago. You are still that man.
Question, is your wife possibly going through menopause? If she is, it can effect her libido and it’s also emotionally draining .
Nope and if she is showing all the classic sings of cheating, you need to investigate. Do you have access to her phone? If yes, then just start to go through it. If you can afford it. Hire a private investigator, they will get you the answers. At this point it is trust but verify, especially with her actions pointing to cheating. She may know it’s a deal breaker, and thus does not care, because she believes you will stay no matter what.
I sometimes rebuff my husbands attempts at casual kissing or fondling or whatever because in my experience, if I reciprocate, he thinks we’re going to have sex. Depending on my mood, I may not be into it and if I’m not, I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. Obviously it’s an issue I’m still working through and I love my husband, he’s hot and the sex is still amazing, but even so, I don’t always want it. All this to say, make sure that you’re affectionate without any expectations.
100% have a conversation. Be kind (sounds like you are) and make sure she’s open enough to confide in you if menopause is a concern, started, etc
To be fair it sounds like you are a solid partner, so fingers crossed all is well and just requires a good level of Comms to navigate.
Wish you well brother
Could be a number of things. I don’t think you are having a brain fart.
Menopause, possibly. I’m not sure why people are getting downvoted when they are mentioning cheating. You have to at least consider that a possibility. There are definitely signs there. I would tread carefully though. Don’t do anything drastic, but her behavior in the future could give you more clues to what’s going on.
Menopause is rare for women until late 40’s and early 50’s.. The average age for onset is 51 not 40 lol… literally just left the doctor and we were talking about it. I’m 40. We were talking about sex drive and period regularity etc …
I would still talk to your wife. She could have early onset menopause but it’s not as common as people are saying in these posts. The average age for menopause is 51! Google would back that up.
Your wife is just as likely to be seeing someone else and having an emotional or physical affair as she is to have menopause.
Either way I would talk to her. Intimacy is important. u/grumpyMonkey46
Definitely hire a P.I and update after!
Update please!!
Has she been secretive about her phone or are there unexplained absences?
If yes, then your dealbreaker may be the issue.
If not, then it could be menopause, she is just not feeling connected to you, or she needs something for herself – a hobby outside of home, for example.
Continue the communication with her but there does really need to be an effort on both ends and that does not appear to be happening.
Update:
So after having a good old chat last night we have a few updates but i just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the comments and ideas, it really helped me sort out what i wanted to say.
1: After doing the diet/fitness she isnt too happy with with the way she looks. After 3 kids she has slight saggy skin on her abs and her breasts arent what they used to be (her words). This has been slowly eating at her and has given her anxiaty about her body image, esp when getting physical. She feels embaressed/self conscious about seeing her body flapping about (again her words) when we get physical, where as ive toned up to the body of a 30 yr old (you guessed it her words). Me, just being in love with my wife doesnt see what she see’s as i just see my gorgeous, sexy wife but she hasnt believed it when i have been complimenting her etc. Which is something we both have to work on.
I did also raise the query of menopause, which was recieved better than i could have hoped and she did say that her periods had been random for the last 4 months ie earlier and heavier/lighter/longer/shorter and she had been wondering about what was going on. Shes making an appointment to have a check up.
2: Due to the body image situation she has been following the fashion stuff of what looks good, new ideas etc to try and make herself feel/look better (which she does) The downside here is that she has spent outside her financials and has racked up a bit of a credit card debt. So on top of her body image stress, she has also had financial stress but has not been able to talk to me about it as she thought i would flip my lid. Its not crazy amount but when she only works 3 days its not manageable. This was an easy one and its all been sorted and ivebpaid it (before any of you ask, she showed me her statement and it is all shops and online purchases).
3: This one is a bit more close to home and its something that we both have to work on. She wants to do more of the chasing as she fancies the pants off me (her words), the only issue is that because we havent been as physical im always ready so to speak to jump right in. She did say that me stopping to try any initiation had hurt but she understood where i was coming from (did add to her anxiety) and she got into a vicious circle. We will work on this because as much as she wants to do more of the chasing she also doesnt want me to stop initiating. We also need to work through the body image at the same time.
So thats my update, i will try and reply to any additional info requests but as you can imagine their was alot more detail that i didnt want to bore your pants off with. We have some things to work on and im sure we can get through them.
Thank you for listening and the replies, much appreciated.