[20M] Total loner throughout high school – what was I doing wrong?

^((hopefully this isn’t fair game for removal under the “self-help” section of rule #1)^)

Let me just make a disclaimer that I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, (which has recently been renamed “high-functioning autism”) when I was around 3 years old. That said, I’d prefer not to get answers like ***“It’s normal to have social shortcomings if you’re autistic, OP! Just give up and accept your fate!”*** . I just want to live a normal life like a normal person. Also, I’ve heard of many people on the spectrum being able to form platonic and/or romantic connections during their youth, so the problem must be something else – my condition can’t be the only thing to blame.

So, here’s the deal: as the title suggests, I was my high school’s resident Quiet Kid™; before you ask, I did have a few relatively close friends in elementary school, but one moved away and the rest slowly drifted apart (there was no dramatic “falling out” or anything). I did have a couple of acquaintances I would chat with during lunch for the first couple of years of high school, but even we drifted apart around the last year or so. The last time a classmate actively invited me somewhere was to one of those acquaintances’ houses during the summer between 9th and 10th grade, and even then all we did was talk and watch one of the group play video games – I never went to one of those famed high school parties. I decided to change this around February of 2020, halfway into my final year, when I started going to the gym hoping that exercise would give me the confidence to approach people. As if almost on cue, COVID-19 hit a couple of weeks later and my last day of high school, which we assumed to be the last day before a three-week break at the time, ended up being on my 18th birthday (03/13/2020). I have yet to see any of my classmates since, and I can’t stop pondering how things could have gone different; without Covid, I would have gone on the graduation trip to the beach, to prom, and an in-person graduation ceremony; all opportunities to form last-minute connections. Speaking of Covid, it feels as if the past two years were “skipped” almost, like I’m still mentally eighteen. Granted, I still sometimes post photography on Instagram with the hopes of seeing notifications saying *”[former classmate] liked your post!”*, which I do occasionally get, but I wonder if it’s more out of the “be nice to the special needs kid” kind of social obligation rather than genuinely trying to reach out to me. TL;DR: Even though I technically did attend high school, I never really experienced it. I just took it for granted and let it pass me by. I’ll be remembered as “that creepy, quiet background extra” when I could’ve been remembered as “that guy who used to be quiet and creepy but turned things around at the last second and became part of the group”.

***“Maybe it was your off-putting wardrobe/hygiene/physical features/posture/etc.?”***

It’s probably worth mentioning that I have a noticeable slouch, facial acne, and a fairly large nose, as well as an extremely thin and delicate build for my sex. I would and still do brush my teeth twice a day and wash my hair with shampoo; all the general necessities. As for my wardrobe, it would depend on the weather (which has a wide range in Canada); usually a T-shirt and athletic shorts in the summer and a hoodie with jeans or track pants for the rest of the year. I didn’t exactly dress up fashionably but I can’t think of anything “off-putting” about that, although I will admit in hindsight that I would’ve benefitted from a belt. My parents would advise me to look at what others were wearing for ideas when I would hit up the clothing store, but I would always forget because when I see people in public, what they’re wearing is one of the *last things I pay attention to* unless they’re wearing something particularly outrageous. If I did those above things were “wrong”, like if I stank, or if my clothes were indeed uncool, or if my posture was unnerving, *then how come no one ever called me out on it?* I was never what you’d call “bullied” in high school, but at this point, I would’ve taken that over practically not existing. Speaking of which, all these self-help subreddits have said things like “You need to work on yourself first before getting friends”, but they also say things like “Just stay yourself and wait for the friends that suit you to come along eventually”. Which one is true?

***”Did you do anything embarrassing that could’ve turned people off from you?”***

I rarely interacted with people I didn’t know well other than for group projects, and even then I didn’t speak much. I usually spent time between classes sitting in the hallway on my phone, hoping that the giggle of a passerby wasn’t directed at me. One notable thing that may have turned people off from me would be my piss-poor performance in team sports during gym class. Whenever I would often make a ridiculous blunder during a team sports game my teammates would act reassuring and motivative to my face but the gossip I would overhear from them in the changeroom was anything but, confirming my “acting nice solely out of social obligation” point from above.

***“Did you try joining clubs?”***

Ah, see, there’s the funny part – joining clubs requires having actual interests other than consuming media. Speaking of those “interests” of mine, I *did* join a cinema club in 9th grade with only a few members, the others being all in 12th grade. I also joined a “games” club that never really took off; the first meeting only had one person (myself) show up, and the following meetings only had people I barely knew playing chess, Jenga, and the like. Plus I joined a science club in which people did experiments, but that never really got me anywhere either. I was also part of the junior band in 9th grade but didn’t rejoin the next year so I wouldn’t have to attend practice after school anymore.

***“Did you try just being yourself?”***

I don’t even know who “myself” is. And besides, for all I know, my true “self” is now buried behind two decades’ worth of social masking and could be unretrievable at this point.

***“Of course you never made friends – you never put yourself out there and approached anybody.”***

If that’s the case, then why have I seen posts on the internet about being “adopted by an extrovert”? And besides, if the “put yourself out there and approach people” lesson is given to more people than just me, then why didn’t another person put that into practice and approach *me*? As for *why* I never approached anyone, I guess I was just too empathetic for my own good; I put myself in their shoes and imagined another me (the school’s Creepy Quiet Kid™) shuffling towards me and figured any person with taste would make a run for it – I merely didn’t want to bother anyone or ruin anyone’s day with my presence because I assumed everyone hated me. After all, I assumed I deserved it for some reason. I basically subscribed to [this mindset](https://old.reddit.com/r/BlackPeopleTwitter/comments/usbcpx/my_mama_told_me_stop_smiling_in_everybody_face/), and look where it got me.

***”Maybe it’s because you don’t have a personality?”***

Well, then how do I *get* a “personality”? Like I said, my only interests are consuming media; TV and video games and the like.

***”Maybe it’s because you were coming across as trying to evoke pity from people, which is a huge turn-off, like you’re doing now by posting this.”***

How was I “trying to evoke pity” by not interacting with anyone? It’s not like I was going up to people and saying things like “Please be my friend! I don’t have any.”.

***”So if you didn’t excel socially, that means you must’ve done very well academically as a trade-off, right?”***

………

***”You said you still have your classmates’ contacts on Instagram; why not contact them on there and arrange something?”***

I shan’t do that because I just picture a former classmate receiving a message from me and thinking something like *”Eww, it’s that weird quiet kid from high school. Why is he messaging me? Blocked. I should let everyone else know that they should block him too.”*. More than a couple have rejected my follow requests, so my theories about them not wanting me to contact them can’t be *that* far-fetched. Also, most of my former classmates have moved across the province to attend various universities, and since I can’t drive nor have a car (even at 20 years old) visiting them would be hard anyway. Plus, I’m not sure if I *want* them to see me and find out that even at this age I still don’t have a job, residence, car, friends, purpose in life, or my own residence like they do; I don’t imagine a friendless, unemployed virgin living in his parents’ basement would be an interesting person to hang out with.

***”What about making friends at university?”***

My university currently has around 50,000 students. Compare that to the less than 1,000 in my high school, in which a lot of my classes had a lot of the same people. Even though I’ve technically been a university student since last spring, the first time I actually set foot on campus was this February due to Covid, and in between lectures I was killing time the same way I did in high school; sitting in the hallway on my phone, hoping the giggle of a passerby wasn’t directed at me. It was then that I realized that nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. Besides, I feel like if I didn’t have any connections during high school, which to me is all that matters, then there’s no point in trying in the future, partially because potential friends could perceive my lack of social experience even at this age as a red flag, and partially because if I change things now then I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about what could have been had I changed things around earlier – I’m a sucker for consistency. Also, I’ve heard many times that making friends is astronomically more difficult as an adult.

***“Why do you even care?”***

Because I can’t even think of people younger than me participating in things like friendship, drama, violence, romance, sex, etc. without seething with envy. Any time I see teenagers hanging out together in public or in a video on social media all I can think is *“That should’ve been me.”*, as pathetic as that may sound. I even feel that way watching/reading any sort of fictional story that involves teenage characters interacting with each other, so much so that it affects my enjoyment of the stories.

***“Can’t you just let the past be the past?”***

No. I need closure. I need to know exactly what they thought of me.

***“You sound in desperate need of medication.”***

For the record, I *am* currently taking Effexor and Abilify, and switched to those after being on Prozac for several years since I was around 12. Whether they’re actually working or not is arguable, though.

***“You sound in desperate need of therapy.”***

Also for the record, I *am* scheduled to see a psychologist in a few days for the first time in over a decade. But my question is this: I’ve seen so many replies on these self-help subs saying things along the lines of “Whining to other people and feeling sorry for yourself won’t solve your problems, you can only rely on yourself to be happy, learn to never rely on anyone else, take the initiative and responsibility to fix your own problems instead of complaining to others, etc.“ . How is therapy any different? Would going to therapy not just be me whining to someone else and expecting them to solve my problems for me? What if I accidentally pull a Rorschach and make the therapist depressed instead? Not to mention the fact that it’s far from cheap. Sorry if it’s painfully obvious I’ve never seen a psychologist before so it might be a stupid question. Then again, I don’t know *how* to fix my problems so even just being told what exactly I’m supposed to do wouldn’t hurt.

***“Why’d you post this on multiple subreddits?”***

So I could get a wide variety of answers.