Been dating this guy for just over a year and he’s really nice and we get on well. Before we started dating he seemed to flaunt his high paid job and bought me expensive gifts like a soup maker and printer, just because we’d briefly talked about them at some point. It felt like love-bombing so I thanked him but also mentioned that they were a bit much and I’d like to spend time together instead of have large gifts, so he didnt buy me any more and we started dating, our dates were based on enjoying each others company instead. This was perfect.
We split dates 50/50 taking in turns to go up and get drinks and splitting food, and occasionally treated each other to small things over the past year. This was all great.
However, over the past year he keeps bringing up times he got me gifts in the past, which wouldnt be too bad… but a lot of the stuff he ‘remembers’ getting me, he never did.
For example, we were watching something and a girl said “I feel I owe the guy sex if he pays for our dates” My boyfriend made the comment “Oh I hope you didnt feel that way when i was paying for all of our dates For the first 6 months.” This confused the heck out of me, because our dates were always 50/50. Also we only went to cheap pubs because neither of us like restaurants.
I mentioned a video game that I was really excited for and remember going to the store and purchasing on the date it came out (it came with a free gift) He said ”Oh yeah I remember buying you that.“ And I argued that he didnt buy it me, he said “I definitely did.” I had to show him the free gift, which he didnt remember and get up on google that the game came with the gift, before he would believe me.
We went skiing which he booked but i sent him half the money for, he keeps bringing up the time “he took me skiing” and is insistent that he paid for it all.
The final thing that I found weird as heck is, he made a comment in front of my brother. We were talking again a bout a video game that we are playing through together (hes got his own file as well, this ones just for fun) where he does the missions and I spend the in-game money on dumb stuff like hats. He made the comment that ”It’s just like real life, I make all the money and she spends it all.” And I have NO idea where this came from. We both work full time, we don’t combine finances, we don’t live together, and I hate shopping and barely buy myself anything. He buys himself loads of things all the time, and I don’t care at all. I have never touched his money.
I really like him but this is getting more and more frequent. Also when I got him an anniversary present he acted really upset because he didnt get me anything, even though I never wanted anything (he said he would cook for me but didnt).
It seems like his materialism is a extreme and he bases too much worth in physical possessions. To the point where hes convincing himself hes buying me things that I bought myself. How can we address this?
TL:dr: My Bf convinces himself he’s buying me things I bought myself, and that Im spending his money, even though I barely buy anything and use my own money when I do.
26 comments
I don’t really know what advice to give, other than it seems like strange behaviour… Have you tried talking to him about the issue outside of these instances? For example you could say “I’ve noticed that you often state that you’ve paid for things or bought me items as gifts when I’ve paid for them myself. For example, A, B & C instances. I find this to be really confusing. Do you have any insight into why you’re doing this?”
It could be that gifts is his love language or he thinks that men should pay more in a relationship so splitting things 50/50 is hurting his ego. You could also phrase it as “I’ve been really happy splitting things 50/50. However, I’ve noticed that you often suggest that you pay more or have purchased things that I’ve bought myself. I am worried that you are not happy with this aspect of our relationship.”
Just checking. Is he never wrong? Does he view himself as the smartest person in the room?
Things a narcissist would think. All good things come from me.
I worked with a guy like this. Just check his behavior.
You realize he doesn’t respect you, right?
If you’re going to stay in this relationship, which I do not recommend, start keeping receipts for literally everything, then be prepared to do so for the rest of your life.
You should be very careful with this. Either he’s remembering wrong which is concerning and should be addressed with a sit down talk or he’s deliberately gaslighting you. The point of gaslighting is to establish a false reality by denying facts with such conviction that you start questioning your own memories. If he’s in fact trying to establish a false reality about how he’s such a big strong man that provides for you, than chances are he’s an abusive narcissist, who’s still in the honeymoon phase.
If he’s only remembering the past wrong in the case of finances then he’s definitely gaslighting you and you have been correct about the lovebombing.
Jfc dump him
Why is the bar so low for you that you’d continue to date a liar?
Sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you. Is this habit of rewriting history related only to money or does he do it with other things?
You have a big problem. He’s building himself up as a macho he-man for others as well as himself. And he’s probably trying to gaslight you into thinking you should be so grateful to him. He’s thirty, not thirteen. And this has happened in a little over a year?
Ask him point blank why he’s doing this? Be prepared for denial, claims of ‘I was just joking’ and accusations against you. If he does any of those, cut your losses, and him.
Sounds like there was some lovebombing in the beginning, and now there is some gaslighting going on. Seems to be some narcissistic traits right here. Tread with caution.
neurologist asap
Call him out- wtf you mean you paid for everything?
From an outside perspective this guy is an absolute weirdo. Please tread carefully in the future with this guy, sounds like he’s going to give you a chronic headache.
I would call him out everytime his does it. He thinks you’re below him and he wants other people to think so too. If he doesn’t stop I’d end it.
Eww, his masculinity is so toxic and fragile that he can’t cope with the fact that you are financially equal in the relationship
Honestly he sounds unbearable.
I dated a narcissist who did this. He was usually broke, so he tried to take credit for things I bought myself, dinners I paid for for us, etc., hoping I wouldn’t remember buying them.
And when I did, he just argued.
Your bf is manipulative and gaslighting you too.
Run
Your boyfriend’s behavior sounds like that of a narcissist. He isn’t exactly lying—he has convinced himself of the truth of what he is saying. If I am right, you will never convince him that he is wrong, and you will be miserable if you stay with him.
Ugh my ex was like this. He’s literally just lying to make himself look better. And you think to yourself… how is he doing that when he’s lying TO ME? I would guess that he’s actually lied about this stuff to his friends already, to the point where he actually forgets that it’s not the truth, until you confront him. Like my ex once made a throwaway joke to me about how I should see his Tesla… when I’d been financially supporting him for years and knew he was in possession of no such vehicle. But he’d lied to others in the past about having a Tesla and I could tell he just forgot who he was talking to! He’d also make the comments to others (like bartenders and neighbors and other randos), in front of me, about how I was only with him for his money. Again, I’d been solely financially supporting the both of us FOR YEARS. It was unbelievable.
I would actually say this is just a small symptom of a much bigger problem that will not be fixed because it’s already too inherent to who he is as a person.
Cut it off now or suffer later is my opinion he sounds very narcissistic
> me expensive gifts like a soup maker and printer
Hahaha. A $30 printer??
> and we started dating
Before you even started dating??
Do you have a shared account, where he perceives he’s putting the majority of the money into, so even if you go and buy something, he feels like you’re using his money to buy it?
Every post in this sub:
“So I’ve been with my wonderful partner who treats me so well for four years…
But sometimes they piss into my water and spit in my face. What should I do?”
This is seriously red flag stuff. My ex pulled this crap and he turned out to be an insufferable narcissist and I had to get a restraining order after I broke up with him because he wouldn’t quit harassing me
He could have convinced himself he did actually spend all this money to feed to his narcissism and his financially “taking care of you”
Or he’s just hoping you don’t remember buying the things and says it to try and ingratiate you to him.
Either way it’s a worrying trend, if it escalates this could lead to larger issues the longer you’re together.
It sounds like he’s broke.
His behavior is a sea of red flags. If he was really having memory problems it wouldn’t manifest only in topics of finance. This is definitely deliberate.
Personally, he’s displayed two very toxic traits so far and you’ve only been together a year. If you want to give this one more chance you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation.
“I’ve noticed lately you keep making remarks about how you pay for things you didn’t, how I spend all your money, and how you’ve financed our dates and outings. This is extremely disrespectful of you and I will not tolerate it. It’s not funny and I’m not happy. I do not spend your money. Our dates are 50/50 and they always have been. I pay my own bills and I am financially independent. If that hurts your ego it’s not my problem. But I will not continue to allow you to create this false narrative that you are the breadwinner in this relationship and that I do not pay my own way. Do not ever make such suggestions again or we are done.”
Be aggressive, polite, and firm. Do not leave any room for interpretation like “I was exaggerating” or “It was just a joke” or “I did pay more for this one thing”. It’s not a debate and this isn’t a one-off remark. It’s a pattern of behavior and that is what makes it so seriously concerning.
Frankly he sounds immature and manipulative so I wouldn’t personally stay but if you do I definitely recommend firm boundaries.