**TLDR:** I failed my medical school midterm. The girl I’m dating is a top performing student in our class, and she’s offered to help me study. I feel guilty for taking up her time, and I don’t know if I can act the same way around her anymore.
**Full context:** I started going out with a girl from my medical school class last month. Everything has been going great so far, but today I failed an exam for the first time. Amongst all the god-awful thoughts running through my mind right now, I’m really concerned about how to handle my relationship with her going forward. When I told her about my situation, she kindly offered to study with me going forward, and while I’m really grateful for her help, I can’t shake off my feelings of inadequacy in that I don’t deserve her.
I do want to clarify that the reason I failed isn’t because I don’t know how to study. It’s because I didn’t study enough. I instead spent the majority of my free time chasing research publications to increase my competitiveness for matching into a high-tier specialization. For those who aren’t in medicine, you can think of my actions as “resume building” while giving below-minimum effort to my real job. The problem is I went way too far with this and grossly underestimated the course curriculum because of its pass/fail nature. I can stop failing from now on if I chose to work harder, but I feel the damage has already been done.
The problem is the girl that I’m dating is a top student in our cohort, and I’m quite literally a failure right now. I feel that because I’m so behind, I’ll only drag her down. Even if she doesn’t say it, I’m sure she must feel disappointed to find out the guy she’s been dating is literally one of the worst students at the moment. One of the things she said she admired most about me was my ambition and determination. I’ve definitely let her down there.
To be honest, I’m not even sure why she’s still investing time in me. In order to progress into the next year, I will now need to score \~70% (the class average) on my final exam. While this isn’t impossible by any means, there’s a realistic chance that I may not be able to do this. She has to also know this. I just feel so guilty continuing to go out with her, and even studying together, while I’ve got this huge sword of Damocles dangling over my head. Also, I now realize I need to focus and study MUCH harder, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to act as cheerful and light-hearted around her as I did before.
Right now, I honestly don’t know whether I should continue our relationship. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to her, but I don’t know how to approach this given she’s actually offered to study with me. I’m honestly touched by this gesture, but that’s all the more reason I feel I need to let her go.
3 comments
> I can stop failing from now on if I chose to work harder, but I feel the damage has already been done.
The second part of this sentence conflicts with the first.
If you are that ambitious and determined, then you shouldn’t be giving up at the first hurdle, or coming out with all this self pitying crap, because you still have time to turn this around. Talk to your girlfriend. Be honest. Stop assuming you know how she feels and what she’s going to do or think.
If you think partners should leave ar the first sign of failure then you don’t understand the true meaning of relationships. Your worth isn’t in your achievements or lack thereof, you bring much more to a relationship than grades or money. It’s about human connection.
I understand your feelings as an overachiever myself. It took years of therapy to see my true self worth. So I strongly advice you to seek help from the school’s counseling service or on your own.
She’s invested in you because she loves you. That love shouldn’t decrease because you failed a test. But you see it that way because your own love for yourself decreased so you can’t believe her feelings haven’t. You’re being too harsh on yourself and setting yourself up to struggle a lot in your career. True failure is letting your first taste of it stop you from ever moving forward.
Look kid, you fucked up. It happens! It’s going to happen to every single one of your classmates sooner or later. Some of them are going to fuck up when the stakes are *much* higher. All you did was flunk an exam. No lives were lost, no one was irreparably maimed, you’re just embarrassed and created some extra work for yourself.
What’s important now is how you choose to react to that fuckup. Are you the sort that gives up as soon as shit gets hard? Or are you the kind that doubles down, figures it out, and comes back stronger for it? *That* is what this woman is going to be assessing. *That* is what’s going to reveal what sort of doctor you’re going to be. Think carefully before you choose.