We have been dating for around 6 months now and I recently found out that when we first had sex, she had sex with someone else the same day.
We have been friends for years but decided to make out with each other one night at a party. We then established that we definitely wanted to explore this new dynamic more and planned to have sex eventually. I invited her over one night and everything was amazing and there were clearly strong feelings between us between the cuddling, intimacy, and vibe. We started dating shortly after and everything was going well.
About 3 months into our relationship I found out that the same day she came over to my place, she had also gone over to another guy’s place. She found this guy on tinder and there was really only one reason they agreed to meet up, sex.
You might ask why this is even bothering me or why I am only now sharing this. It’s because the idea of it pops into my head every so often and I usually just ignore it but it’s becoming more difficult for me. I used to look back on that day as an explosion of love between us where we discovered new sides of each other. It was a really great day to me because it was our day which made it so special. Now, all I can think about it how she shared that day with another guy.
I know we were not in a relationship so she had no obligations to me, but for some reason it still hurts.
Another thing,I knew she had sex with another guy around the same time as me but I didn’t know when. I asked her a few times and she told me she forgot when it happened or that it was a good few days before us. When I confronted her about lying to me she said it was because she was afraid of how I would take it.
Any advice/thoughts?
30 comments
She lied to spare your feelings and gave you no options to choose anyone else if she DID tell you the truth. Major red flag.. Think about it, if she can lie to you because she was afraid of the outcome, she can definitely lie to you about ANYTHING
While this is not exactly cheating i would treat it the same way. You had discussed that you were going to date in a serious way which would hopefully also end up in a relationship. It was known there were feelings involved and still she looked for someone on tinder and met up with him specifically for sex. I’m assuming she also knew she would see you later and there would be intimacy of some sort even if the sex with you was not planned. For me it would have been fair to assume that you were exclusive during that time, especially since you were also friends first and a certain level of respect is expected there. It would just feel like a huge betrayal. She clearly didn’t feel the same way as you did even though it felt to you like she did and i would not be able to trust her anymore. Any feeling or level of care she displays from that moment on would seem fake to me and if everything was genuine then i wouldn’t want to be with someone who can fuck someone else while supposedly being in love with me. I would break up. If you can move past it that’s great but i couldn’t
>I asked her a few times and she told me she forgot when it happened or that it was a good few days before us. When I confronted her about lying to me she said it was because she was afraid of how I would take it.
I kind of wonder why this topic came up so frequently? Even if it wasn’t the same day, the fact that you kept bringing it up shows that it would’ve bothered you either way.
She shouldn’t have lied, though. The only option here is for you to decide if this is something you can get past, or if it forever stains your view of her & your relationship. Only for you to decide.
Think of this as not cheating but an attitude towards establishing a relationship that you don’t share.
It’s something (I’m assuming) you could never see yourself doing, but she has no issues with, a dissonance, a sense of unpredictable that you cannot resolve.
it’s up to you, but sounds like an incompatibility you may or may not power through as a couple in the long term.
Well she lied there is that. She knew what she did would make you back paddle a few steps so she lied. That’s a red flag what she did was before yall but only by a few hours. To me that’s nasty I mean did she take a shower before you were with her?
What was the timeline of the dates? Did she meet this guy before you asked her out that night, or had you already arranged your date when she decided to hook up with this guy?
If the latter I can understand you being hurt because I would be too. It would indicate she was more interested in getting her back blown than anything else.
If on the other hand she’d already hooked up that day before you asked her out, then it’s just unfortunate timing. The fact she lied about it later means she knew it wasn’t a good look, despite you not being exclusive yet. But she was probably afraid that if she didn’t go out with you that night, you’d think she wasn’t interested, which would explain her going on a date with you even after hooking up with someone else earlier.
So if it’s the first scenario (she hooking up before you asked her out) I’d be willing to cut her some slack, as sucky as the situation is. If it’s the second, then no, it would be over. Either way, setting boundaries around the lying is a good thing.
As far as the condom situation, you may want to get yourself tested for STIs. You don’t need to tell her you are. She’s hopefully not lying about her using a condom with the other guy, but better to be safe …
This hurts me just imagining it.
I hope you can get past it. I definitely couldn’t.
¯_(ツ)_/¯ did she shower in between?
The beginning of a beautiful relationship should be between two people making happy memories together and i would feel like this has tainted a happy beginning.
I would have to break it off, this is something I wouldn’t be able to get past.
Let it be. This will bother you until the end of time. That’s the advice I’d give myself.
I would have a little trouble with it too. Still it is what it is and there was no malice, your day wasn’t your day it was your time.
More of an unfortunate turn of events.
Maybe showing you were not on the same page as regards the specialness of the occasion.Her being evasive is understandable but troubling all the same.
Another angle is she came from him to you and got a thrill out of two in one day. If I understand you had already agreed to explore moving forward seriously with sex on the menu. To come over with you afterward in that vein it was at the least very poor etiquette.
Try to be honest to your self, do you think that your thoughts and feelings are getting better over time?
If yes, consider counselling or try to get over it and get closure… Don’t judge your girl, we are all sexual beings and you two were not exclusive at this time.
If no, (this would be my answer) .. Do yourself a favor and accept that you cannot get over it. If you are sure that your thoughts and feelings won’t get any better, than break it up and try to find you a girl which you can give 100% of your love, because this is what you deserve and what your (potential) GF deserves. If you do this, DO NOT judge this girl. Just tell her, that this is a problem that you have, and that you don’t know if you will ever get over it and that you are not able to continue this relationship with 100% of your love, and this is what both of you deserve but you cannot provide…
Yeah this would bother the hell out of me. That hurts.
Yeah it’s a magic killer. Basically it makes the specialness of “falling in love” kind of go poof when you realize when you are thinking of them they are banging someone else. It’s up to you to decide if that’s something that is important to you. She didn’t do anything wrong, some people just compartmentalize this stuff, some don’t.
You need to either get over it or break up.
This is not healthy for either of you perhaps if you are serious about her then you guys can speak to a counselor to work it out.
However ultimately if you can’t move past this issue. You will never have a future with her it will always come back and haunt you and taint the rest of your relationship. Be kind and end it now.
As far as her not telling you that is another issue you need to tell her that honesty is important to you and you need to know the truth no matter how much it’s going to hurt you.
However based on your reaction I’m at she was right and could possibly be why she didn’t tell you. In my opinion she shouldn’t have lied to you but she shouldn’t have told you either.
Sometimes not knowing is better especially when things occur before you’re in a relationship about someone’s past. Because you can’t change the past you can only move forward.
It wint work. I know you two weren’t technically a thing but if she still felt the need to do such a thing while being emotionally close with you, then its a red flag.
To me, the main factor here is that you describe an emotional connection with her, not just a physical one, and it sounds like she wanted to reciprocate. In my eyes, if she truly wanted to build something with you, there wouldn’t be a reason to be with another guy, regardless of if you were or weren’t dating. Like, why didn’t she just hit you up in the first place?
I could be wrong, but there’s my take.
Look man, I don’t think this is something you will ever get over it, so i suggest you just pull the bandaid, instead of letting this slowly fester…
Idk
A girl that was okay having sex with me and some other dude on the same day would bother me. I don’t care if it sounds bad. That’s messy.
There’s something about the fact that you two have been friends for a long time and that you two talked about becoming something more than friends. Plan on a day to have sex with eachother, A WEEK BEFORE. And then she goes and fucks someone else that same day. There’s something about that, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t think I would be able to rationalize that or move past it.
I think it shows her character. I don’t know how someone could do that to another person, let alone someone that they have a close relationship with to begin with. Why did she go through with it with the other guy? You guys were already going to have sex that day.
I feel like no matter how I look at it. It’s fucked up. If she did it before you guys had sex. It’s messed up, you basically got sloppy seconds and should probably check for stds. If she did it after you guys had sex, it’s equally as messed up because it was meant to be this special moment for the both of you.
She had 2 options, you won! It can be discomfiting, but just realize that someone had alternatives yet still chose you. Life goes on
If this changes her into a person you don’t like I suggest you move on.
You mean ex girlfriend….
You could also take it this way; she was clearly not satisfied enough with some other guy who I assume is no longer anything close to in the picture, that she wanted to see you and sleep with you there after.
Idk I see where you’re coming from… technically she didn’t do anything wrong but it would bug me out too. I expect monogamy for at least the whole day.
I don’t understand why you care or why this matters to you. What she did that morning doesn’t take away from the experience y’all had in the evening. You seem really hyperfixated on this.
How old are y’all? Age/chapter of life is crucial context for all these relationships q’s and quandaries
OK AH she chose you. Wtf. How did u 2 even have this convo or who told u just to hurt your relationship. Obviously she was out looking for a meaningless connection and engaged in intimacy with the person who didn’t even mattered to her, and sad yes to the person who did. duh You! Try to get over it if she loves u and if u truly love her what happened before doesn’t matter.
I swear to God I saw a thread like this last week except it was the guy who banged two girls in a day and when one of them found out she didn’t want to speak to him again and everyone in the sub, including myself was like “you didn’t technically do anything wrong…but you totally did”.
Double standards much reddit? 🤔
My thoughts: you can be bothered as I would be too more so for the lack of transparency.
While she didn’t “owe” you monogamy, the bare fucking minimum when having multiple sexual partners is to let them know you are sleeping around.
It’s like basic respect because for all we know you guys went at it raw…wouldn’t you want to know that she had been raw dogging it just hours earlier?
You weren’t afforded that knowledge, maybe you have concerns about stds, maybe you dont…who knows.
I’d be pretty fucking annoyed if I found out she was lying to me for 3 months. I really hate that people give things like this a hall pass.
I’d be more mad about the lying than the other dude personally. Though you can be bothered and if you want to express it to her you have every right to.
I say this as someone that has done what she did, and subsequently avoided talking about it with my new partner who was one of 3 women I had aex with in less than 24 hours.
It was a hell of a birthday but also a really shitty thing to keep back from her but I didn’t tell her because much like your girlfriend, it literally was meaningless sex with the other girls and I fell for her.
So what I’m saying is, you can be annoyed or bothered but at the end of the day this is one of those situations where you can apply the whole “but she chose you” lines that I think gets thrown around too much.
Talk about it, express how it bothers you to her, communicate respectfully, and don’t build up resentment.
Good luck
Imma be real with you: this is a big part of why we need to be careful when we over romanticize sex. You guys didn’t even begin dating until much later- you obviously didn’t actually place a high value on exclusivity being tied to sex.
This is also why we don’t ask questions we don’t want the answer to.
…this reads as if you’re considering what she did like cheating.
she didn’t, let it go.