I have been struggling with feeling unappreciated by my partner. He’s a great guy and extremely kind so I don’t think he’s doing intentionally.
I am A type personality and also extremely clean and organized. He’s not dirty he’s (normal clean, lol). However, I am always cleaning the house or organizing the house to make sure that it’s always in perfect condition. (I just hate a dirty home) however because I have such an extremely clean personality I realize that I am CONSTANTLY taking care of things. Picking up dog toys, putting pillows back where they below, organizing the counter and etc.
If I wasn’t to do it. I know that it would remain the way it is which would drive me CRAZY.
I don’t ask him for help on these things because I know that it doesn’t bother him but bothers me. So I handle it.
I just don’t feel like he appreciates all the effort I put in to make our house neat and clean.
And due to my over cleaning mentality he never really has to clean… which I don’t think he notices but I feel like he doesn’t appreciate the effort I put in he just never says he does.
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He is not doing it intentionally. I don’t think appreciation for common chores is something that even registers as an issue for a lot of guys.
I’ve never personally understood this need for someone else to show “appreciation” to you all of the time. Its never been something I’ve needed and I frankly just don’t understand it.
In terms of a relationship, if I didn’t want to be there I wouldn’t be.
If the cleaning is getting to you to the point it bothers you then maybe have a conversation about it with him? He may not see it as an issue because he just assumes you’d both be cleaning your own places regardless if you were not together and you are just insisting on things being cleaner then his standard so this is just SOP.
Personally, I hate having a perfectly clean house. Feels too sterile and unlived in.
Could be he just doesn’t care about a little mess here and there so he really just doesn’t notice if it’s there or not.
Could be Acts of Service is not a love language he understands or feels. So it doesn’t mean to him what it means to you.
This is something that you need to talk to him about. Communication is the name of the game.
Every man as well as every woman is different. There are men/women couples out there who have the same dynamic/issue you have but genders are flipped
To me, it seems like he may want to clean but is afraid he will upset you if he tries to do more cleaning that you may disapprove the methods of
Or he puts it back in the wrong way. Then probably assumes you enjoy cleaning the way that you prefer that helps you feel in control of said organization
Him showing extra appreciation to you for what he possibly thinks you wouldn’t let him do, is sort of an odd thing to be thankful for no?
If you don’t think he’s doing it intentionally, why don’t you point it out to him? Poor dude is clueless right now
Also make it clear that you want to hear more praise or you want him to do more around the house because from your wording I’m assuming you want to keep control of cleaning/organization since you like your way better
but you don’t wish for him to attempt more cleaning/you just want more appreciation?
If he doesn’t value your extreme cleanliness like you do he’s not going to show appreciation for it because he doesn’t think it’s needed, you think it’s needed… so you’re doing it for yourself not for him.
He may show appreciation in other ways that you might not see… sounds like conversation time between you too, that’ll help grow your relationship… might make you less resentful and might make him see and appreciate the work you do that he’s unaware of. Good job for not nagging him though, glad you took it upon yourself rather then criticize him continuously for something he’s not completely aware of. But for real just sit down with him and explain what you feel and I’m sure y’all will be good to go💪🏼
2 people value different things. If he is great then he probably does things for you, but you dont notice it because you dont notice it. Talk with him. Have a talk with him how you want the house to look.
Thats why eyewitness accounts are the lowest evidence in science. People see things completly different. Some people think they see an UFO and some see its Venus.
Men sometimes don’t show it but you should know that they appreciate the gesture
You’re upset because your bf isn’t showing appreciation for your obsessive behaviors? Doesn’t sound like he should be.
Sometimes it’s through practical things which aren’t understood through no fault of the woman. Things like ensuring her car is well maintained or things are fixed around the house without asking.
Here’s the thing – this is a situation in which you two have different values.
You both value a clean living space, but not at the same level. You value it as worth X amount of time & effort, while he values it as worth Y amount of time and effort.
He is not going to appreciate your extra labor the same way you will, because he does not agree that the outcome is worth the investment.
Imagine the roles being reversed – if he was the one who valued cleanliness substantially more. That would probably put him in mild-germaphobe territory, having to sanitize surfaces daily and spend at least an hour a day intensively cleaning. What would you say to him if he felt that you didn’t appreciate all the extra labor he puts into keeping you safe from germs? Germs that you are not as concerned about and don’t want help with.
My girlfriend and I are like this. I am much more sensitive to clutter and feel claustrophobic if my area is too difficult to navigate or visually inspect. I emotionally need to feel like I have flat surfaces available to set things down on or space to move without tripping over things or knocking into things. She’s not dirty or unhygienic by any means, my standards are just higher than most. It would be unreasonable for me to expect her to cater to my emotional needs. A compromise is fair, sure. Like she might clean more than she would otherwise, but I can’t expect her to be the one to neglect her preferences 100% in support of mine.
What I think you two should do is first, decide how each of you ideally would like the shared living space to look. How often should cleaning happen? How many dishes in the sink are acceptable? What things, as specifically as possible, cause each of you emotional duress? And then with that in mind, try to find a reasonable compromise in the middle. Neither of you are going to get 100% what you ideally would want, but as long as you’re both making similar contributions (considering both physical and emotional labor) and consenting to the compromise, you should be able to find a workable solution.
This isn’t a “how men show appreciation” question. This is how your man should show appreciation.
Talk to him about this.
So you are cleaning to satisfy your own standards that you recognize are more than is necessary, and the purpose of this is not actually to provide a functional benefit but just to scratch the itch of the need to clean. And then wondering why you aren’t getting brownie points for it.
What is this lol
Edit: I too am also a very cleanliness focused person so I get it, but you can’t hold those things against other people