I’m feeling really hurt right now and I have no one to talk to about this!
(TLDR: I caught my fiancé helping himself to a subscription porn website featuring models that I look nothing like. And then again after I thought he stopped! How would you feel? What would you do?)
My fiancé stayed up passed bedtime to play video games and I went to bed. I got up to pee n found him jerking off to porn. I wasn’t happy about it but I thought he was embarrassed enough so I didn’t bother with it and went back to bed. I got back up and he was right back at it! So I demanded to see what he was looking at. Really to be sure it wasn’t live chat or anything like that. I was hurt by what I saw bc the women looked nothing like me or even what I find attractive and I love women! He was looking at a milf website on a PAID MEMBERSHIP. These women are much older than me, much taller than me, way larger than I am with tons of plastic surgery. They didn’t even appear like me in fashion, skin tone, nothing… they did however look like women he sexted 5 yrs ago at the beginning of our relationship. Women he agreed to stop paying attention to and to my knowledge did.
I just feel like I’ve been completely lied to as far as how attractive he finds me. I feel like he has or would cheat on me with someone who looks like a milf and all I did was teach him how to hide cheating so well that I’d never catch him if he did.
My instinct is to try to get payback but I don’t think that’s possible or productive. We were planning to get married this year and have 2 children after that. Even after I become a mom, I still will never look like the women he was looking at! The thought of getting implants makes me nauseous. And I love myself the way I look. He really had about 8 tabs open from vids he watched… I look like none of them and they were doing things me n him never do. No one even shared the same hair color as me!
I’m bothered most by the membership to the website bc it tells me he likes a specific thing so much he’ll pay for it monthly and indefinitely AND he’s BEEN into it for awhile without me knowing?! And the women looking nothing like me really bothers me.
I’m also bothered by him going back to it after being caught the first time!
How can I feel okay with this? Should I retaliate? Should I leave?
7 comments
Gunna keep my opinion simple.
People dont just watch porn because of what the models look like, or because theyre unsatisfied with their partner. Its a release, its about the act, and theres nothing cynical about watching porn for a cheeky gherkin jerking.
Retaliating however, is an aggressive approach to take. Its one thing to voice your opinion and express your dislike for the content and his use of it, but its a whole other thing to actively intend to punish or hurt your partner in response to something they havent done with the intention to hurt you.
If you’re completely against porn and its use whilst in a relationship, thats entirely valid, and you can end the relationship and find a more suitable partner with a more compatible opinion, but dont be vindictive because your partner has a different opinion to you.
3rd time today this was posted in greater detail each time.
I’m not against porn. I stated my issues pretty clearly.
You sound really insecure about this. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why? Oh and btw I’m sure if you “retaliated” and watch porn he wouldn’t care. And to leave someone over something so trivial such as the category of porn he watches is insane. Unless of course that category is extremely inappropriate. And by inappropriate I mean something completely unacceptable.
As a woman I look at porn a few times a week. I’m not trying to find guys that look like the guy I’m dating nor am I trying to purposely find guys that look like exes. His behavior sounds completely normal to me but if you have an issue with it then you need to find someone who is more in line with what you want instead of trying to get him to change. I would resent that if I were him. The only thing I see maybe being an issue is paying for it, but if it’s a reasonable amount each month and he’s paying for it then who cares.
Watching porn doesn’t mean your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you. Think of it like ice cream – just because he orders strawberry once in a while at an ice cream shop doesn’t mean he dislikes or resents the mint chocolate chip he has at home. Porn and masturbation can serve lots of purposes – sometimes it’s to satisfy him fantasizing about something you don’t want to do, which means that he’s not pushing you for something you’re uncomfortable with. Sometimes masturbation is a good stress reliever. If he has a higher libido than you do, it can also help him satisfy his own needs without demanding that your vagina be put into service every time he gets horny.
As for him paying for porn – that is GOOD! Everyone should pay for porn because that’s how performers get paid for the work they do, and it helps create a more ethical industry.
You don’t need to change anything about your body, hair, or face. It doesn’t sound like he is making any comments about not appreciating you just as you are. If you’re concerned that he is thinking things that he’s not saying to you, it’s time to have a conversation with him about why he uses porn. I highly recommend having that conversation with a sex-positive coach or therapist who can moderate for you, because it might be a scary conversation for you both.
Good luck!
Just based on the title I’m going to suggest that you try therapy. It’s unhealthy to be this worried about a natural bodily function.