Hey, uhm… I (23/non binary) have been on two dates with this person (25/non binary) (who is only staying in my city for a week before going back to their university quite far away.) We met via a dating app a bit ago.
info about me: I’m not very experienced with serious dating (like at all and you could say that I have a pattern of backing away from people when they get close). I am not very comfortable with affection or touch in my day to day life and out of touch with my own emotions that can get really intense sometimes. (and autistic idk if that’s important for this but who knows). It is just hard to communicate that without hurting other people who will relate it to them being… not enough/too much. And since I am so bad at seeing my own emotions when they are not overwhelmingly strong I… just don’t know how to respond when I am interacting with people who try to communicate with me on an emotional level.
Now the particular issue: They are very affectionate and proactive, which is fine, as they communicate that very well (being a journalist/studying to be one language comes natural to them). They have also expressed that they feel very happy/excited around me (and think of me a lot). There have been multiple instances where they complimented me and asked me to visit them in their home town where I tried to a) answer something like “ah yes that’d be really cool! I keep that in mind” or b) explained that it is hard for me to have fitting replies to things like this on the spot. Which hurt them (I think???) and I am afraid that they think I am just playing with them.
Also when we get close physically (no matter how far) I like it. But I tend to just … freeze up at some point. A point where I’d just like to jump up and run to be without someone/them around me. I feel so guilty that I am so disgusted by them in these moments? And yes, this has happened before with other people. It always happens. I really like someone and then 5 minutes later I feel like crying just thinking about them even looking at me. Or even worse touching me. (Oof really treating reddit as a diary, huh?)
Now whenever they text me (mostly affectionately) I just get this feeling of dread (I think? Maybe it is not dread but nervousness? or fear?) and feel really nauseous. Yet I know that when I am with them it will be mostly fine, especially if it is just talking. But I definitely do not feel the same excitement and emotional intimacy they feel.
I figured that maybe it is just me being afraid of the expectations that come with dating more seriously (which is their goal)? But maybe it is the other way around and I am just trying to make myself like them (they are really cute, smart etc.) while my body is giving me signals to stop (Or do it differently).
Tl;dr: I am a mess and probably shouldn’t date if I just hurt people in the end /hj
I’d appreciate any insight or warnings. I really do not want to hurt them, they have been hurt enough in the past.
edit: added age and gender since the bot reminded me to :,)