Okay, so throwaway account because my girlfriend knows my real one. Sorry if this goes a lil long but help me understand.
We’ve been dating for a few months and we’re both straight and have a good and healthy relationship but her best friend, let’s call her X (heterosexual), and my girlfriend have a tendency of occasionally kissing. They’ve done it in the past once or twice and they did it recently again. I am not sure how to react, like I literally do not believe that I am evolved enough to interpret it. I would always before I started dating her get turned on by the idea of lesbian relationships or women on women action which I have believed is pretty normal for a heterosexual guy?! Until now, when my girlfriend is doing that.
Also, recently they went to a nightclub on my girlfriend’s birthday where I couldn’t go because of some work-related reason which I told her way before and she was fine with it. The problem (if I can call it that) is that that night my girlfriend kissed X many times, direct lip on lip action and I have videos of that. My girlfriend also gave X a very steamy lap dance, again, she showed me the video. She says she is not attracted to her and that they didn’t makeout which is true. It was just kisses on the lips; I will give her that.
Also, another friend present there that night told me that X was very protective of my girlfriend, in the way that she would get possessive and the lapdance would get extra steamy or something or that they were especially kissing when some other guy in the club would be trying to make a move on her (my girlfriend) and she had to keep her safe or they had to make them believe that they are lesbians. Full disclosure, my girlfriend and X were using these guys to get free drinks.
My problem or difficulty in understanding is not the guys. I’m not worried on that front, but it’s X and the lapdances (which have previously happened as well) and the kissing which is getting more occasional.
1) Is this something normal between heterosexual women?
2) Do women do this kind of saving of their friend very commonly?
3) Does this constitute cheating? Cause it doesn’t feel like it but I am a lil unsettled.
4) Is this some sort of a redflag which I can’t see right now?
5) Would any interpretation be different if the roles were reversed? No hate to anyone but I am straight, I can’t imagine kissing a guy.
I love this woman but this is all new to me and I could use some perspective. And sorry if I came across blunt or offensive somewhere, pardon my innocence. I just want to understand things better.
27 comments
1. Nope, I have never seen it before.
2. It is usual that us girls protect each other but NOT LIKE THAT. It’s more like “oh, see, I’m not alone if you do something to me, someone will know”. Again, never seen anything like this before.
3. In my opinion, it is cheating.
4. I think it is totally red flag here, not only the kissing stuff, but also using other guys for free drinks while you’re not around. She’s taken, she shouldn’t be living like a single girl.
5. Do you think she’d be ok with you kissing and dancing for other guys? What do you think her reaction would be?
I’d say ages are very important here?
Personally I was never a fan of girls who would kiss their friends for male attention. It would have the opposite affect for me.
I (m31) would personally not be ok with this. However back when we were 18-21 peoples gf’s would kiss other girls and it was all in jest and fun at the time. Its your call, but to me theres a certain lack of respect to your relationship involved in it.
1. Yes, it is normal. Not very common, but normal.
2. Good women friends often protect one another or one will protect the other.
3. If it doesn’t feel like cheating to you, and you know all about it, then it isn’t cheating.
4. For me, this would be a green flag. Your GF is a highly sensual and experimental person. I love that. Do you?
5. It is far less common for straight men to kiss each other and give each other lap dances. Most people would look askance or assume that the men were gay.
1. There is no normal. People are too different. All relationships have their differences.
2. Good friends will definitely be looking out for one another, especially out at a club. This does sound like it could be over protective, but its really only coming from 1 other persons perspective, that was also at the club, right? Would she have any motive to make it seem worse than it was?
3. You and your partner decide what is cheating in your relationship. If your not comfortable then maybe it’s cheating for you. Up to you to decide what your boundaries are.
4. This sounds like it could be a red flag, especially if you feel like it’s cheating.
5. I wouldn’t be surprised if the interpretation was different, if the roles were reversed. Right or wrong, there are double standards everywhere.
Lastly, Sounds to me like your girlfriend and her friend might at least be bicurious. Maybe they haven’t come to terms with that. I don’t know, just a possibility.
I think you know already
When i was younger, i think all of my close girlfriends had kissed or made out at some point if not repeatedly.
I don’t think it matters what is “normal”. If you are uncomfortable with it, go ask her about it. Tell her how you feel. Give her the chance to explain. Also you don’t have to understand everything to accept them. So either accept who she is or don’t. It’s so simple.
Heterosexual women don’t make out with their friends, free drinks or not, because if they are then they aren’t heterosexual. The pretending to be lesbian to get free drinks or men’s attention is both damaging to actual lesbians and bisexual woman and also very much cheating. If this was her guy best friend would you be okay with it then? Or it’s because it’s another woman?
I’ve never heard of kissing your friends to “protect” each other. That’s BS. Just say “sorry I have a boyfriend” and don’t engage. Accepting free drinks is engaging with these men and letting them know you’re interested. This is purely being done for attention from other guys.
Flip the gender of the friend for a second and see if it changes your perspective. Anything sexual with someone else that isn’t explicitly agreed by the couple beforehand is, in my opinion, cheating. Doesn’t matter it it’s another girl or a guy. And no, it’s not normal for female friends to kiss on the lips and give each other lap dances.
To me, kissing a girl is the same to kissing a boy (for my gf) so if I saw her kissing any girl I would end the rs at that moment. I mean, she is not respecting the exclusivity we have, and no, it doesn matter they are girls.
I have seen this happening too much and guys being gaslighted with the “it was just a girl” thing. DUDE, she is not respecting you if both of you are monogamus. More if she didn’t talk to you about doing this previously doing it.
1) Theres no such thing as normal, ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex/sexuality. Your life will be a lot easier if you let go of that idea.
2) Some women do some women don’t. There are more than 3 billion women on the planet so theres a lot variation.
3) Don’t ask the question “is this cheating?” Instead ask yourself “Am I comfortable with this?” If the answer is No, then you need to talk to your girlfriend about it in a straightforward but respectful way.
4) Its not really a red flag or a green flag, and regardless it sounds like you are definitely seeing it.
5) The answer to this question depends on the agreed upon terms of your relationship.
Long story short: If this makes you uncomfortable you should talk to your GF about it. Its possible that this is an attention thing, its also possible that its just something she likes doing (kissing feels nice, etc). Even if its the latter, your feelings on the matter are still important. Overall it sounds like you guys need to have a discussion about the boundaries of your relationship, which can always be fruitful (are we monogamous? what does that mean for us? what if one of us wants to open up in the future? etc)
If you aren’t cool with it you need to make a boundary and tell her it stops. If she puts up a fuss then just leave cuz you’re going to be miserable getting walked all over by someone who doesn’t respect you. Ask your gf how she would feel if you acted like that with her friend too?
This is all based on observations of my wife and her friends – we’ve been together almost 30 years.
1. Yes, it can be, especially if they’re a little tipsy.
2. Saving?
3. No, I know she’s actually into it but won’t admit it. So I’m cool with it, besides, she does it with (f)riends that have stated they want to tag team me with my wife.
4. No, it’s just some playing my wife does.
5. I’m not into guys either, guys or any combination, doesn’t really bother me, I don’t judge. I joke with a few gay male buddies about them and how all the “tasty dick is all theirs”, and they typically reply “Good, you keep handling all that juicy pussy”… yeah, we’re weird lol.
Time to ask for a threesome OP…
In any situation in a relationship I always consider how would I/they feel if it was vice versa – therefore if you were doing it how would she feel? If she would feel weirded out – it’s a sign that it’s a red flag that she thinks it’s fine to do but for you not to do. If she thinks it would be hilarious and would encourage you to do it – then it’s a sign of it genuinely means nothing to her and it’s something you either have to get on board with or walk away. I’m a woman and have never kissed my girl mates like this – I know other girls who have and usually it’s for attention which is why I roll my eyes at it when I see it. I think at the end of the day until you’ve discussed it, it will annoy you. You have to understand how she sees it, and then decide what your next step is. Unfortunately there’s a chance she may hate it if you do it, but still not want to stop herself – and then you have to make the call if you can move past it, or that this doesn’t work for you. Good luck!
>1) Is this something normal between heterosexual women?
In college, maybe. But it seems pretty gay dude.
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>2) Do women do this kind of saving of their friend very commonly?
Yes. Dudes are incredibly thirsty
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>3) Does this constitute cheating? Cause it doesn’t feel like it but I am a lil unsettled.
Yep. From my perspective, yea. The only reason you might be okay with it is because it seems pretty hot to you.
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>4) Is this some sort of a redflag which I can’t see right now?
Glaring. You’ve got rose colored glasses on so all the red flags look like regular flags.
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>5) Would any interpretation be different if the roles were reversed? No hate to anyone but I am straight, I can’t imagine kissing a guy.
Absolutely. But biphobic women, lesbians through the lense of the male gaze, and boundaries are whole other topics. Don’t know if you feel like talking about that right now.
Tbh I think that is weird and not ok if she is in a relationship, I can care less if she is “protecting her from other guys” as they call it. To me that is a bullshit cop out which has nothing to do with any situation other than she wants to kiss other people. Now if you are ok with it not a problem but if you are not ok it’s it let her know what’s up and if she can’t respect a closed relationship than let her go. Also the whole I’m just protect her from other guys is a joke, if she herself can not stop other guys from coming on to her you need to let this one go. That only means she don’t have to will power on her own to let others know she is in a relationship. Straight bs
Everyone has different boundaries. You have to decide if this goes far enough past yours that it is a deal breaker for you. If it does then it’s enough of an issue to justify breaking up.
I think there is no right or wrong in these kind of things as this is very very subjective.
You have to talk with her about that, tell her how you feel and let her explain. Then you will find a solution.
However, my boyfriend used to beg me to make out with female friends and is still telling me that seeing me with another girl was the best birthday gift he ever got.
People are really different!
Depends on you but that’s grounds of cheating for me. But those are my specific boundaries.
1. Is it normal? There isn’t an answer for that. Some women, depending on the surrounding culture and their friendgroup, are very touchy with each other – regardless of their sexuality. Some friendgroups are not like that. My friendships have always been very close.
2. It isn’t uncommon for women to tell men in clubs who they aren’t interested that they are lesbians and try to prove it somehow.
3. That isn’t for me to decide since I’m not in your relationship.
4. I don’t see it as either. The only worrying thing is if it is done for the attention of men. As someone who is both bisexual and very close to my friends, it is upsetting sometimes that I can’t give my friends a kiss on the cheek without someone making it a weird fetish, while others want exactly that but get none of the homophobic backlash.
5. Most likely but I don’t find it fair. If my boyfriend would kiss his male friends a a sign of affection, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’d actually be very happy that he is showing his friends his emotions in a healthy way and that he has loving friends.
She’s cheating on you and rubbing the proof in your face lol
My guess is your girl uses her friend as a substitute for cheating at the club or when she goes out. She may be one of those girls who get frisky when they drink (nothing wrong with that) and instead of cheating and being over men at the club etc. she chooses to take that energy out on her girlfriend whom she’s comfortable with and feels she’s not jeopardizing her relationship over momentary friskiness. I’ve seen this before actually, it’s not all too uncommon for girls who get frisky after a couple drinks.
Girls like to do that sometimes. Doesn’t make her no or anything other than feeling comfortable with her friend
Whether this constitutes cheating or not depends on whether you feel she has violated your trust. All that matters is whether you are okay with this or not. In my opinion the sex of the people involved isn’t really a factor.
Doesn’t matter what’s ‘normal’ if it makes you uncomfortable. Tell her how this makes you feel.
I think she’s just having fun. I also think it’s harmless. However, if you are uncomfortable then say so.
For me personally I would consider that cheating but some don’t and feel like it’s normal to do with your friends.
But if You are not liking it talk to her and tell her you don’t like it.