How to find purpose of life as I have suicidal thoughts?

Hi there,

I’m posting here because I have no one in real life to discuss.

I’ve been feeling very awkward since last year and my thoughts are getting stronger. Sometimes, I don’t want to work at all, sometimes I have an unexplainable craving, sometimes, I want to end everything permanently.

Following is my back story,

I’m a software engineer by profession, although I’m making PKR 250,000 a month. I’m from a Pakistani lower middle class family. I’ve two sisters, both are married. My father was a daily wage worker at a government institute and my mom was a house maker, we lived in a rented house, Although, last year with the help of bank finance, I was able to provide them with a 1250 sq ft home. I’m investing in a real estate project on a monthly installments base. I have a decent hatch bag car as well.

I’ll be 31 this year and still virgin, Alhumdulilah, I haven’t done sin. A couple of years ago, I got stable financially. So, I’m single and always single or forever alone. Although, I tried to approach someone in school and university, they rejected me. There is nothing wrong with my physical appearance as I’m 6’1″, kinda white south asian man with a small beard and 81kg weight. So, the reasons were financial as I was not able to afford a good lifestyle. Later, I was never able to bring someone up to date level, I got knockout at early stages due to lack of flirting skills I believe. Now, i stopped asking women out as they asked about my past and there is no past for me at 30 years, becames a red flag for them and I got knockout. My friend said, no woman wants to be with a man with zero knowledge regarding relationships at this age.

I asked my parents to explore the arranged marriage concept and find a match for me but they said our house will be small for my married life and I should build the upper story of my house before getting married. So, now it would take 3-4 years to save and build the upper story.

I had only two friends, my life revolved around them and my family. Now, both of them are married and one moved to Canada in 2019 and another to London this Jan. I’m too trying to relocate to North America or Europe but still no luck.

Now, I don’t know what to think and focus, as I thought getting home would make my hustle stable but now there are more demands in life. I’m not able to control my thoughts, I spent the whole night on the dam as I was thinking to jump from the spell way and ending my life would set me free of the rat race.

Maybe, I’m too much fascinating about relationships or lack of social interaction. As, all of my cousins are married and they taunt about my source of income as they all were well settled and I came from zero to my own house and a car.

Or maybe, I’m Libra and think too much about everything’s bright and dark side.

As I don’t have funds for relocation vacations and no time for social gathering or participation as work takes 11-12 hours, six days a week and after that I am left exhausted with zero energy.

I took therapy and the doctor said, being a human being you lack the personal human interaction as she was female I didn’t ask for an explanation.

I’m looking for advice, how do I fix my thoughts, Are relationships or intimacy the answers to my every problem ? Or Do I need to do something else? Or my role is to provide only ? Or am I not worthy of care, love and intimacy ?