Me (29M) her (35F).
I’m a virgin.
We started meeting on Thursday, then again on Saturday and on Monday. All 3 times we got intimate and slept together but no penetration because she said she doesn’t want ONS (not an issue for me).
At the time I was horny and not able to process in real-time all that happened, but after Monday I realised we were moving too quick and needed to slow down everything and reassess the situation.
On Monday, in bed, in hindsight the experience was very weird: she said she had a period and I understood and was not a problem for me, didn’t want to force her to do anything she didn’t want to do, but she was alternating moments of horniness and non-horniness expecting me to respond dynamically to that. I was the one doing most of the work (kissing, caressing, massaging, fingering) and I had the impression that she didn’t care much about my pleasure.
I asked her about handjobs and she said that she is neutral about them (no boundary) but still didn’t want to provide.
For me it’s the same for fingering, I don’t get pleasure out of it, but it’s like a gift I give her.
At some point before we fell asleep I felt really uncomfortable and felt like I was trapped in a situation I didn’t want to be in. I had this feeling that I was getting used (manipulated, mentally abused) in some shape or form.
At some point she was laying on her back with the legs on the wall because of the pain and she asked me to get her a banana because she was hungry. I vividly remember that my gut reaction to the way she asked was defensive and I didn’t want to do it. To which she said the she was in pain and would have gotten it herself otherwise. Makes logical sense but in the moment I reacted defensively even though I like her and wouldn’t mind a nice gesture, but I trust more my reaction than some logic.
After that she said that an ex called her a controlling bitch admitting it was true, and she said that now she has grown.
She goes to therapy and seems open to improve her mental health from past traumas.
We have a date planned for Friday but the more I think about this experience, the more I get anxious and want to stop seeing her.
11 comments
I’m not sure I fully understood that.
If it’s one night, or until she’s done menstruating, then I’d forgive her if she’s willing to keep it up. However, I’d still try to keep a level head and objectivity about it.
stick with your gut instincts I would say, if you can tell straight away you are not compatible don’t waste your time
It’s going to be tough but just ask her straight up “is a hand job going to be an issue”. When things are new you can ask those direct questions but if you make it a few months down the road and blow up then she will have the mindset of “well this hasn’t been an issue until now”. Do not hide it! Go and enjoy the date but when you get back to yours or her place have that tough talk and realize that if she blows up on you then it wasn’t meant to be and join the billions of men rubbing one out solo lol.
So, let me get this straight.
No penetration.
No hand job.
Expects you to take care of her.
What do you get out of this?
I’m not saying it should be transactional, but if you get nothing, why are you there?
Always trust your gut.
She sounds like she has a lot of red flags. Find someone else. She’s not worth the trouble.
I’d say find another partner to explore with that is more giving. Sometimes having a more experienced partner is best. My bf and I both love to go all out on one another. I get being lonely can suck but this is one of those times where you need to look out for your own personal pleasure and gain.
Ok I don’t want to jump to conclusions here but…
>ex called her a controlling bitch admitting it was true
>
>She goes to therapy
>
>she controls your entire sex life and doesn’t reciprocate
That seems pretty cut and dry to me. It’s not going to work out and its probably due to the fact that she needs to grow and heal mentally before she’s ready for a real relationship with someone. Now is not the right time for either of you. She doesn’t need to be in a relationship and you need to be in one with someone willing to care for you too.
you’re naked and erect the whole time you’re pleasuring her, and she doesn’t touch it in any way? that’s a red flag.
Personally, i’d keep my options open and temper expectations if you got nothing better to do on Friday, but at the same time, look elsewhere
I think the way she’s acting is very strange and I wouldn’t stay with her, but you are not being mentally abused. She’s just not being a good partner, sexual or otherwise.