Posting here because the typical Reddit feedback I’ve gotten in the past about this issue has been: get a different husband, what an asshole, etc. and looking for feedback.
Also prefacing this by saying I have a WONDERFUL husband who I feel is a 10/10 husband / father in every other way, so it is not like we have a troubled marriage.
My husband has always been a somewhat picky eater and for as long as I can remember he has offered critique of my cooking. Usually minor things but 50% of the time there is SOMETHING. Either he doesn’t like the dish as a whole, he doesn’t like the brand of sausage, something about the dish creeps him out, it isn’t filling, the dressing tastes like gasoline (parsley, LOL). Something.
When I ask him what it is he likes to eat he will tell me and I do try to cook these things. But he doesn’t give me a lot of options. Every time I go to the grocery store I ask him what he wants me to cook that week and he will say “I don’t know.” So I try to pick from my arsenal of meals I know he likes, but other times, I do try new things to mix things up.
The frustrating thing is, objectively I am a very good cook. I’m not delusional when I say this… No one else in my life has had any complaints about my cooking. I get loads of compliments from others. It’s some thing I’m good at and some thing I do like doing.
But I’m exhausted. I work part time and take care of a toddler at home. Tonight I spent two hours cooking dinner. And the moment he took the first bite there was a complaint about “what brand of sausage is this? I don’t like it.” It’s minor, and maybe I should grow thicker skin, but I’m so. Tired. And it is really disheartening to cook for two hours and then find out he doesn’t like it. It happens way too often.
The problem is, when I tell him how I feel, he seems to get irritated with me because he feels like he can’t be honest about what he does and doesn’t like. And if he feels like if he doesn’t speak up, I’ll serve the thing again. So he feels like it’s annoying he can’t be honest with me.
I don’t know who’s right in the situation. If I’m wrong, though, how do I grow a thicker skin and handle the comments? If I’m right, how do I convince him I’m not just being overly sensitive and he’s just being an ass?
31 comments
Cook together.
It’s very easy for your husband to respond with, “it’s good!” when asked how your food is. It’s very easy to not hurt someone’s feelings. What it sounds like he says isn’t intentionally hurtful or bad, but he seems brutally honest, and what does that gain? A partnership is about finding solutions. If it’s “You know, I really don’t like this brand of sausage, can we try a different one next time?” then that should be it. Complaining without a solution is a *him* problem. All of that said, someone *that* picky about eating has an issue. That’s not meant to be offensive; there’s something wrong with him. Plenty of people eat food and don’t complain about it. Plenty of people just eat sausage and salad dressing and don’t give a damn about the brand, they eat it. And if they don’t like it, they make something else.
What it sounds like is that he’s overly critical and not respectful. You don’t need to find a new husband, you need to embody that he’s saying things that don’t need to be said. He’s complaining without a solution. He’s not saying, “I appreciate you trying to make that, but yeah, I didn’t really like it that much. It was mostly the rice, it was harder than I like. If you make this one again, could I have you try making the rice less?” Or something. But just complaining, he’s being an ass.
You’re both right and both wrong. You need to have an honest and open conversation about this. And if he feels like he can’t, then maybe try it with a mediator, like a counselor, or unbiased friend.
At the end of the day, if he’s the picky eater, he needs to put in more effort to figure out exactly what he likes and wants (food,brand,meal) and convey that to you.
He needs to get online and get more meal ideas for himself and tell you them to you, so that you have more options.
I have gone to couples counseling myself and found it very informative. I have the communication techniques that can get me through 99% of situations. Might be handy to try.
I think you need to tell him that he cannot complain. If he wants to continue to complain he needs to take over all the cooking or he needs to be grateful that he has a meal at night.
How would he like if you daily complained about something he did for you?
Simple solution: Stop cooking for a man who can’t eat what you make without bitching.
I think you need to tell him that he’s going to have to take responsibility for cooking at least 50% of the time. Including planning and shopping for the means he cooks. Then maybe he’ll understand the effort involved in making meals for other people and be more appreciative of your efforts.
I’d tell him it’s his turn to cook and/or meal plan since he’s so picky and wants to criticize what you do cook for him. That sounds exhausting to put up with. He should be willing to re-phrase what he says as to not hurt your feelings.
If he thinks you’re such a bad cook, then be a bad cook. My husband used to be like this. That’s because at one point i started burning his food on purpose, “forgetting” the salt, etc. I straight up told him “I’m gonna fail anyway so what’s the point in trying?” And that seemed to get through to him.
Now he pretty much says nothing or tells me when it is good. But he rarely complains, and if he does, it’s passive aggressive. He knows if he says one thing about me overcooking something, his next meal WILL be overcooked.
I’d stop cooking. I can cook well. My family likes my cooking. I despise cooking. Gimme a reason..lol
Let him cook a few meals a week. Be sure to make some snide comments about it too 😏
Sounds like he should cook if he doesn’t have anything nice to say.
I’ve found the Fair Play system is amazing. Basic premise is that you own a task from conception through planning and execution. You work with your partner to set a minimum standard of care that you both agree on. And the minimum standard isn’t about raising/lowering expectations- it’s more about aligning on what/why you’re looking for so that you don’t run into problems or complaints after the fact. If your task is cooking dinner, for example, that task is for you to conceptualizer and complete. Your partner should only provide input as part of setting the minimum standard of care, up front. Hope that helps open a conversation for you and your partner!
Sometimes, I am not a fan of my wife’s cooking (but she is an incredible baker). So rather than criticize her cooking, I just try and cook most of the time and she’s happy to clean up after as needed under the “whoever cooks, the other person cleans” rule.
no your husband may have an eating disorder called Sensory Food Aversion is one of the most common eating disorders during the first three years of life. It is defined as the persistent resistance to certain foods in relation to their texture, smell, color, taste or temperature.
Although it is said that it is common in children, if it is not treated, it can reach adulthood. Many people tell you that you are a picky eater and this may tell you if there is a chance to talk to a Nutritionist.
My husband does not like
My cooking either. I would make a list of things he does and does not like (ingredients, etc) and then just try to avoid stuff as much as possible. I have done a lot of build your own meals with the ingredients separated so he would eat with us. Honestly the air fryer has been great though.
Marinate the meat in a bag when you have time and then cook it when you are ready. Skip meals that take two hours to cook. It just causes stress on the both of you
Honestly, this is a *perfect* thing to discuss in couples counseling. It’ll help you translate your fatigue in a way that he’ll be able to recieve it positively. It’s also a great environment to discuss new solutions together!
I loved couples counseling so much we did it twice, lol.
Your story resonates with me. I’m the cook in our household, and I have a history of giving and receiving love through food. My wife does not have much of an emotional attachment to food at all. When I hear my wife complain about my food, I feel like my loving act of preparing a meal for her was rejected, and I feel rejected. It is very hard not to take it personally.
It also is a lot of work to plan, prep, shop and cook every meal. Just because I legitimately enjoy cooking and feel a sense of accomplishment that I’m doing something that I’m good at doesn’t mean it’s any less work. I think I would appreciate being appreciated more. “Thank you so much for making this wonderful dinner! If I could change one thing, it probably be this sausage, though. The sausage you used last time was even better.”
Don’t feel like you need to grow thicker skin. That is a way to breed resentment. We need to talk about our feelings openly and honestly.
He sounds IMPOSSIBLE to please. He needs to contribute to some type of solution, this so is not your problem to deal with alone.
Chicken finger and fries it is
At one point my mother took away my fathers plate and put it on the floor. “Looks like the dog thinks it’s FUCKING FINE!”
Not sure if I would recommend that. But a good motto is ‘He who complains, cooks’. You are both working full time, a toddler is a job. It is time for him to put on the apron a few days a week.
I always tell my husband his cooking is great. If it is completely unpalatable I will tell him it wasn’t my favorite, but thank him for the effort. There is absolutely no reason to be critical about meals if they are made with love.
Husband here….. I’ve been like your husband not to thag level though…. The solution is stop cooking but not with malice…. Don’t be pissy when you don’t cook jsut don’t and when he asks yo openly and honestly say babe I love cooking for you but you don’t seem to like my food anymore. I don’t want you to feel forced to eat what you don’t like and I get my feelings hurt when you don’t care for the food. Since you know what you like I’ll let you take care of it….. 1 month…. He’ll shut his mouth and love eveything you cook … guaranteed.
“It’s not my favorite.”
When my kids were like six and seven, I taught them that it’s not polite to say negative things about food someone took the trouble to cook for them. If you don’t like something, don’t eat it, but also don’t mention it. If you are asked if you like it, or why you didn’t eat it, you can say “it’s not my favorite.”
My kids picked up on “it’s not my favorite” very quickly. I like this phrase because it puts the locus on them and what they like, not on the cook and whether or not they cooked “good.”
First, does he thank you for making a meal, because that’s something he should do every time.
If he doesn’t like something, and he’s afraid you’ll buy that brand again, he does need to speak up, or, better yet, do the grocery shopping.
Does he ever compliment your cooking? What meals does he like?
He’s not really insulting your cooking, he’s insulting the sausage maker. But, it’s still a little rude if you’ve been in the kitchen for two hours. I would ask him to bring home take-out more often, but also make a list of the brands he likes. And make quicker meals, if he doesn’t show his appreciation. 🙂
My husband is a “meat and potato” kind of guy so he complained a lot about my cooking because he use to only be able to handle a little pepper and a lot of salt. My solution was to tell him “You don’t have to eat it, you can make a sandwich, the stuff is in the fridge” and leave it at that if he gets upset tell him “you will cook and he can eat it or make himself something it’s up to him but you won’t listen to the complaining”. Be sure to follow through.
I’d tell him he can do the cooking and the food shopping .
Cook for yourself and your child. Tell him to make his own dinner. If he does eat what you’ve cooked and complains, tell him to keep his comments to himself.
Yeah, if he’s that difficult to please, make yourself and your toddler dinners and let him heat up a chicken nugget and macaroni TV dinner like the five year old he is.
I love cooking and am a good cook as well, and my husband eats everything, regardless of whether he loves it. I know the dinners he doesn’t like and sometimes make them anyway because I like them; the same goes for meals I don’t really care for.
At the end of the day, food is sustenance. You shouldn’t be breaking your back or spirit in order to provide that for one person. For him to criticize your efforts every other day shows a startling degree of entitlement and lack of empathy.
My husband is a picky eater. I used to try to accommodate his tastes, but it was at the expense of everyone else’s diet in the house. I did not want our kids developing the same picky palate.
So I cook well balanced meals, try to make sure there is at least one thing he likes, but I don’t sweat it anymore. He’s an adult and he can cook his own food if he doesn’t like what I make.
My dad does this to literally everything he has eaten ever in his life. I don’t know that he genuinely dislikes the food or he is just “finding room for improvement” but it is exhausting to try to please someone like this. I would put less effort in and he can just deal. Or just make the food the way YOU like it because he will criticize it either way and at least you get something from your efforts.
My husband did this for a while and finally I told him “Try again: start with ‘thank you for making me this meal,’ follow up with a compliment and *then* you can criticize, or else I’m not cooking for you anymore.” I’ve also reminded him that if he doesn’t like my cooking, he knows where the kitchen is and is welcome to make dinner anytime.
This would be really frustrating to me as I identify like you, I am an above average home cook with a really good palate and flair for invention. Unlike you, my husband loves everything I cook, with a few exceptions. We have similar taste and he’s a lousy cook, so it works for us.
Have you tried a food meal delivery service that you prep at home? I tried a couple and found them to be a great way to explore new foods and have my husband along for the journey. These aren’t something I personally enjoy long term (I’m an intuitive cook, I don’t like recipes typically) so I found it tiresome. But it was cool for my hubs to be involved and critique things without it feeling personal. One month at 3x per week was plenty.
Maybe give that a go and he can really try exploring his palate in a more constructive way? I tweaked the better recipes and incorporated a lot of their ideas into my own repertoire, so it was worth the trouble for a month.
I would also suggest that he actually help with menu planning and that he’s specific with brands. It sounds like you don’t want to give up cooking (neither would I, it’s my love language, feeding people) for the family, so we need to get creative.
Is he on board with being a supportive partner to the family cook? Taste buds and palates are a real struggle, so we don’t want to shame that. He does seem like a man who could use a dose of “how to be better at supporting the hand that feeds me”. You stated he is a great partner, so he just needs a behavior shifting. If he wants food prepared for him, his participation should include specific ideas and support you in your part. It’s really basic if you’re a good person, right?
You’ve got a toddler and you’re exhausted and frustrated and I’m sad for you. It’s really hard to be your best self (we put too much pressure on ourselves as mothers, please be kind to yourself new mommy!) when you’re tired and stressed. Reddit is great for a lot of information, but I think you’d prefer to gently fix this issue in the long run. People are here and wanting you to go full power mode, and I’m suggesting a more creative and gentle approach. You probably don’t need to battle up just yet.
Sending you a hug, bath, and nap! Bon appetite!