Let me start by saying that my life is falling apart and I’m pretty desperate at this point.
I was raised by my grandma, who will be 90 this year. The house in which I grew up, however, belonged to my grandma’s life-long best friend, with whom she has now lived for over 50 years. This amazing woman, let’s call her Beatrice, raised me as if I were her own child as well.. and she is now dying.
Beatrice’s 2 year-long battle with pancreatic cancer is about to end. I haven’t lived in my birth country for years but returned the very next day upon hearing the news… and nothing could have prepared me for what I found once I arrived.
No one can visit nor receive any information about Beatrice except for one of her sisters, let’s call her Rita. Rita was not in the picture while I was growing up, the two sisters were estranged for many many years, only having made amends in the last decade. For the 2 years Beatrice was sick, Rita convinced everyone – Beatrice included – that she was the only one who could go to the hospital with her or see her. Mind you, this might be the case at first, due to COVID regulations, but I have confirmation from the hospital now that the only reason why we cannot see Beatrice is that Rita simply won’t allow it.
My grandma and I have tried to convince Rita to let us say goodbye to her sister Beatrice, but to no avail. She is conniving in the way that she says these are hospital rules, it’s not within her control, etc. To make matters worse, my 90-year-old grandma is suffering from onset dementia which Rita uses to her benefit. As far as I can tell, each time my grandma asks whether she can see Beatrice, Rita’s reply is “I don’t know, why don’t you go there tomorrow and try?”… knowing full well that no matter how many times she tries, they won’t let her in and she will eventually forget and try again.
Recently, I decided to wait for her right outside the hospital wing where Beatrice is, accompanied by a few nurses, to confront her. She refused to explain herself and eventually verbally and physically attacked me by shoving me and pulling my hair. This extreme outburst finally made me realize something larger was at play here. I went to Beatrice’s home (my childhood home) and lo-and-behold: I found a post-it note with step-by-step instructions on how to change Beatrice’s will. This is all about some will! (Note: We don’t know and have no way of knowing whether Rita succeeded in this).
Now a bit of backstory: Beatrice is a very straight shooter. She had told my grandma and I that, in her will, it would be stated that my grandma could keep living in the house in which she has lived for over half a century until her own death. She will not be keeping it, just allowed to live in it – that’s it. According to her, I am not included in this will at all, and I am completely at peace with that. I’m a grown woman, I live abroad, and I have my own assets and my own life. Regardless, neither my grandma nor I want anything at all from Beatrice, all we want right now is to say goodbye.
Back to the present, since that altercation things only got worse. Rita, who until now was at least providing my grandma with daily or near-daily updates, has stopped picking up the phone altogether. Beatrice herself used to have her phone at the hospital, and would sometimes pick up and speak a bit with us, but she has not picked up the phone again since. We’re not sure whether this is because her health has deteriorated or because Rita took her phone away. The last time I spoke with Beatrice was last Saturday, and **she kept asking to see me and my grandma.** The hospital, however, says she’s not in any state to make decisions concerning herself.
So I contacted a lawyer who is ready to start a motion to have the hospital allow us to visit, but **I need to know Rita’s address in order to proceed.** I’ve made a million calls, first to friends, and eventually to some of Beatrice’s other family members in order to achieve this, with no success. Unfortunately, word has gotten back to Rita that I’ve been asking about her, which makes me wonder whether she’d even tell my grandma and me when Beatrice passes away. I don’t think it’s past her to purposely not allows us to go to the funeral.
At this point, I am truly desperate. I’ve been trying to help but since coming here things have gotten worse. My grandma knows the street corner on which Rita lives and knows it’s on the 4th floor, but she cannot remember the door number. The only option would be to **wait outside that general area to see which door she comes out of so that a lawyer can help.**
Is this worth trying? Should I give up since I’ve only managed to make things worse?
**TLDR: I’m being barred from seeing one of the women that raised me by her evil money-hungry sister. All my attempts thus far have only made things worse. Should I stop or keep going?**
15 comments
This is more of a legal question than a relationship one; there is nothing that you will be able to say to Rita, that does not have legal backing and force behind it, that will convince her to allow you to see Beatrice.
There *may* not be anything you can say *with* legal backing and force behind it that will make any difference; if Rita has Power of Attorney, she can more or less make any decision she wants, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately it’s likely that you have no legal standing to challenge a next-of-kin, even though you were raised by Beatrice.
So go and speak to a lawyer to find out what your *actual* options are; there’s nothing anyone here can tell you that will change anything.
I’m sorry you and your grandmother are going through all of this.
If love, then love. Fight to see her one final time and never give up.
If you’re specifically asking if it’s worthwhile to personally stalk her appt – no. Get a PI involved OR utilise the web to find her location. It should be somewhere, and if you’re in the US then you can search online databases. Subs like RBI can help with name searching tools, and you can also use Facebook groups that focus on lost connections and so forth. I know of a few good ones and I’m happy to share.
> I need to know Rita’s address in order to proceed.
Get a PI. Seriously.
I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I don’t know how the law works in whichever country this is, but in most (if not all) states in the US, neither your grandmother nor you would have any legal standing. This is sad but the bottom line is that even though you are “family” you aren’t blood.
Stalking “Rita” will likely not yield any benefits but things might get worse.
Blackmailing someone is probably not a good idea so please take this with a truckload of salt, but if your grandmother has been living in that house for 50 years she ought to have some rights? Obviously IANAL and especially in an unknown country.
But if so, maybe use that to make Rita let you see Beatrice. Like, you could tell Rita that you can make it easy for her, or very difficult.
There are plenty of if:s and but:s and potential road pits here, but might be an avenue to explore with the lawyer you have.
I fully expect someone with more insight to come along and say this is a terrible idea and I sort of agree. But I’m feeling petty about that woman. Also – she assaulted you? She should get in trouble for that, too.
Don’t go do this yourself. You’re asking for the cops to be called and this will escalate the situation further. If you really want to do this, ask your lawyer about how they would go about obtaining that information. They are the professional here, not you. If they don’t have an answer, I’d see another lawyer for a second opinion.
And to be honest… I think this is probably not going to get you what you want. If Beatrice is that ill, I don’t think this process will go fast enough to see her and I also wouldn’t want to escalate things while she’s on her deathbed because that may upset her. I know you and your grandma want to see Beatrice but you need to think of what is best for the person most important here… Beatrice. This situation really sucks but sometimes people are shitty and there’s not much you can do.
What I would be doing if I were you is focusing on your grandmother. If she has dementia and cannot remember phone conversations that just happened, I’m going to be frank. She’s not going to be safe alone in that house much longer anyways. While you are there and able to be involved, focus on getting her into a safe living environment and the both of you can mourn Beatrice in a way that honours her. This is the bigger issue… not fighting for the house. Your grandmother will not be able to make use of it much longer anyways. Put your energy into finding a safe place for her to live instead of trying to hang onto a home that won’t suit her needs much longer anyways.
Your lawyer should be able to force the issue. He can serve papers on her. In America a Sheriff (like police) would serve papers. They know how to find people, you don’t need to do it. Your country should have something similar.
I know it hurts, but it’s probably time to let it go. It’s tragic, but I feel like hiring a PI to try to get an address to serve a court order further is just gonna continue to escalate without any beneficial outcome. I’d focus your money and efforts on taking care of your grandma and find another way to make peace with this
What you can do is wait until Rita is visiting and as she opens door you go in with her. Just a suggestion. However, the post its are sinister and I wonder if you have enough to go to police with your worries? Sounds like she has influenced a vulnerable person which in certain countries is a crime. You could also speak to the head of the hospital and tell them your fears…
Your local LGBT rights centre might have some advice about having the hospital recognise your and your grandmother’s de facto family relationship with Beatrice.
Why don’t you just show up unannounced when Rita isn’t there and just walk in her room? If you act confident and like you belong then you can probably walk in without problems. I know hospitals have security but it’s not a prison, you can probably get some time in before they kick you out.
First if you have enough money to hire a lawyer you should have enough money to hire a private detective. They should be able to get the address in no time to get the address to serve them at especially if there is a known place, the hospital, that they go to frequently.
Next, contact your local state/country as well for elder abuse. What is happening seems to be a criminal act of fraud and abuse.
I don’t know if you have any potential legal avenues here, and even if you do…honestly, at this point I’m not sure they’re going to move fast enough.
If you think it has a chance, maybe lay it out for Rita one more time that you’re not in the will and you don’t want to be in the will; you just want to say goodbye to someone you love before they die, and afterwards you will (presumably) be leaving the country entirely, and thus Rita never has to deal with you again.
Other than that…I would say focus on getting some help for your grandmother. It doesn’t sound like she’s going to be able to stay where she is for much longer.
I’m very sorry for both of you.
As a previous poster said, get your grandmother straight now.