When do you think it’s appropriate to “let go” of something a friend/partner did that disappointed/upset you, and when do think it’s appropriate to address the problem?

7 comments

1. I don’t think I’d use the word “appropriate,” I understand that things don’t always go as planned and people don’t behave like I would, so if it’s important for *me* to address something, I do it, if not, then I let it go. I guess the answer would be if I can’t let it go then I have to address it lol

2. If it bothers me to the point of impacting my abilities to think about other things or really hurts me, then it’s worth talking about. If any sort of relationship or person can’t handle discussing their feelings then I learned they’re a person I won’t be able to be a long term friend or partner to.

3. Depending on the situation. Mountains over mole hills- meaning, sometimes it’s best not to confront and waste energy (maybe even save you a cringe moment) but to confront a certain issue that doesn’t require the attention. But if it does require the attention, straight up, honestly, ask that person politely hey there’s something that’s bothering me, can we talk alone or in a different environment that your comfortable with. And explain how you’re not meaning to come off rude but you need clarification of whatever issue you have. What’s important is learning HOW to communicate properly and MATURELY. Your response and your tone and attitude is going to set the WHOLE vibe. So be nice, because no one is perfect and we honestly need more nice people.

4. Once you feel that maybe you should let go, it’s over.
   You should let go as soon as possible.
   Just explain why and leave.
   Your time and metal health are precious.

   Very often it depends on the context, though. If it is something really minor, maybe you should communicate why you were annoyed and set strong boundaries on the matter.

5. I usually ask myself a couple of questions. 1. Will anything change by me bringing it up? 2. Will this matter in a week or at any point in the future? If the answer to both is no then I just let it go.

6. [We have two kinds of executive function](https://youtu.be/zxvm9sTeDms): hot and cold. Hot is emotional and cold is logic. The best kind of decisions are made using both executive functions.

   So given that factual basis, I default to “let go” unless both my in the moment hot emotion says “deal with it” and my later, calmer, cooler, facts-and-figures says “deal with it”.

   To be close to someone is to allow them unprecedented access to affect me. Sometimes that is positive and they straighten my crown. Other times it is more negative and they upset or disappoint the everliving bejesus out of me. It is the unavoidable downside of being close to someone. And so, as emotional weather goes, I weather the storm and remind myself that I’m only getting rained on because I’ve got someone special and having someone special is phenomenal.

7. I let it go when it’s a “me” problem. I have really nice people in my life. If I’m disappointed or upset, it’s usually because my expectations were inflated or I didn’t properly communicate expectations or needs. This would be like a friend with kids who has to cancel sometimes for kid related reasons. I know that’s more important and will inevitably happen sometimes. I need to adjust my expectations. I also need to communicate better that a Zoom call is a fine replacement. I probably don’t consider her lifestyle enough when we’re making plans.

   When I address it, it’s something that still ultimately about me, but also about them. Most recently a “them” problem that I need to address is to be a better listener and understand I need someone to hear me, not offer advice or turn it into a pissing contest. I’m experiencing some fairly unique problems and am being proactive about it. I just need a particularly close friend to be the one person I can count on to just listen and allow me to feel valid.

   It’s appropriate when you’ve tried to see your role in the problem and also be able to express a realistic solution without blaming or being a jerk. If someone says I’m letting them down, it’s way better to know what exactly that means and it what ways I could do better. It’s difficult to guess what people need since we’re all a bit different.