I’m \[late20sF\] am in a difficult place mentally with bf \[late20sM\]. Although he doesn’t know extent of any of these struggles that I’m going through in terms of our relationship and whether I want to continue it. We have a great relationship with minor issues that only bother me. We met 4.5 years ago when I was still in college and I did not think very long term which was not smart of me. Growing up I always struggled a tad socially, not very assertive, thought people sometimes walked all over me, not confrontational, avoid conflict, not very vocal etc and always wanted to be with someone who would compliment me, help me come out of my shell a little, bring in qualities that I lack and I can bring in qualities that he lacked. I want to list the good and bad to see if anyone can advise me that can help things put in perspective.
With my bf, it is pretty much not the case. With us being out and about, navigating life, I am the one who gets things done, I have to go out and fix problems alone. If I don’t do it, It doesn’t happen. Whether it is car maintenance, home maintenance, working with crew to get something done: all me and alone.
He can text and place order online, but he will never call. He gets antsy if I ask a question while ordering in restaurant. We will sit outside 45 minutes on a 30 minute wait time for a table in restaurant and he will still try to stop me from calling to check. He was on a lease and I was out of remote for entry gate, he asked them once, they told him to check back soon and he never did again until he moved out. I asked him to use his health insurance for which he pays a lot to get some basic dental cleaning at least, a health check, I scheduled for him many times and he never went or rescheduled again despite me reminding him to go until I gave up (after probably 2-3 years), I gave up because It makes me angry now and frankly it is not my business to nag a man to take care of himself. He will also be out in 110 F degree heat and not put on a very nice sophisticated sunscreens that I have gotten him, his skin has significantly worsened during these years I have been with him but he refuses to put even a moisturizer.
If I complain about a problem to service worker he will tell me I’m rude (I’m not), short of getting a fly in his food, he probably will not say anything. We hired a moving company and they absolutely wrecked our furniture, I dealt with them all alone, during and after while he waltz around nowhere to be found, except in the end to pay.
I have communicated all these issues to him and he has never tried fixing any of it. Some things are part of his personality so he really can’t. He has also never tried to initiate talks about marriage and moving things along, meeting my family, setting some sort of timeline, he will “go to courthouse to get married if I want him to” he says. For a whole year I asked him to get his parents together so we can introduce families and just to call and ask, he never did. I cried and complained about his lack of interest in getting married and meeting my family and still nothing truly changed. In 4.5 years, I have seen his parents once and siblings never. They don’t show any interest in meeting me or ask about me as far as I know.
Another issue is that we have a cultural & religious difference, he will always be different than me and my family. He will never try to mix in and make an effort. He doesn’t even see his own parents and siblings for years that live 35 minutes away for no reason. I will travel hours to visit mine every other month. For me to bring him in to my family and convince them to accept him, he should have been an exceptional match. But is he even a good match? Now I can list some good things about this relationship.
Our goals and dreams match up in terms of what kind of life we want. He is financially responsible and makes good decisions. He was raised well, he doesn’t have any bad habits. He loves me and is loyal, I trust him pretty much fully (there was one hiccup very early on where I found tinder on his phone, I broke up with him, he apologized a lot and after a lot of talking and remorse that I saw in him, I let it go and that was the only time he was sort of dishonest with me). He will always put me first. He will always save the best piece for me. He is affectionate and kind and loving. We have memories together that I cherish, places we visited, countries and cities, having spent 4-5 years together. It’s a significant time of my life that I spent with him. I have precious memories and I cannot easily start over with someone else.
Us alone in our home? we are very happy together. We joke and laugh and rarely fight. If we do we laugh it off. We go out? he is tad uncomfortable and will not relax and comfortably chat with me in front of others. We come back home and all is well again.
Practically, we live together. I am comfortable in my life, my home and it would be extremely hard to move out and start over, not to mention financially in high cost of living city, I can’t even afford to live by myself alone with just my pay. I worry that it’s probably better to accept him as he is and get married to him rather than start over. It’s akin to stepping out in rain without shelter. Thoughts?
TL;DR! : BF is passive, avoids confrontation, bad communicator, lacks social skills that I wish he had, add to that the cultural and religious difference we would have if we married, other than that he is kind and loving and we are generally very happy together, being close to 30, I need to make a decision.
6 comments
Why trap yourself with a man who does/gives you nothing?
couple things from me (25M), who’s 10 moths single after a 3.5 year great relationship all things considered:
– You’re waaaaayyy to young to feel like you need to accept and settle on major issues within your partner. You need to spend the next 50 years with him, you’re frustrations will keep growing and that’s how people ultimately divorce: they reach a boiling point. Especially because you communicated them properly and on multiple occasions as you mentioned.
– Having to deal with a difficult financial/housing aftermath is not a reason to stay together. It’s the same category as people making a kid or marrying in hopes of improving their relationship. So don’t rush the marriage either if you have a lot of doubts & unanswered frustrations. It won’t fix things, it will make your life even worse long term.
– relationships to me are mostly about compatibility: so yes, him being kind, loving, loyal etc, those are normally great points, I rate them more than having ‘insane (sexual) chemistry. Where romantic people only go off of emotions/feelings, that rational side I value a lot. So don’t thread lightly about breaking up with him.
– That being said, him not being able to find middle ground in your (fundamental) complaints is a huge deal breaker. I was super kind and loving and a great partner to my ex, yet she felt something was missing after all these years, she wanted a different life in a very small, but fundamental aspect of life, so she broke up. And looking back at it, she was right. She knew she couldn’t live up to my ‘demands’ about my own frustrations of her behavior etc and she didn’t agree with a habbit of my own. 2 great people don’t always make a lasting relationship and every relationship has an expiry date when it endures too much “hits”.
– You have to accept some minor nuisance from your partner’s behavior, nobody’s perfect, but it needs to stay minor. So make a list of fundamental relationship things to you and evaluate if your boyfriend matches a high enough percentage on that list. If not, maybe you should follow my ex’s lead…
PS: if you decided that in the current state, you don’t want to continue your relationship, you can always sit him down in an ultimate chat and see if that triggers him to try to change some aspects of his behavior. On the other hand, you know better than anyone that he won’t be capable of changing major stuff about him (lack of initiative etc). So yeah, difficult choice, but be careful and don’t be like “at this point it’s a break up or full on marriage”, that would be crazy impulsive and won’t work either way.
I don’t even need to read your details. You had me at 20yrs old. Def leave. No relationship at 20 is worth staying in. Live your life. You’ll be glad you did.
> We have a great relationship with minor issues that only bother me.
This is called “denial.” Those issues aren’t minor. You’re just pretending they are so you don’t have to do what you know is the right thing for YOURSELF.
He isn’t going to change into the person you want him to be, where do you see yourself in ten years if you stay?
Married to an adult child, with prematurely aged skin and bad oral hygiene who needs you to do everything for him. What if you want children, how involved do you think he would be?
Starting over can be hard, but in the long run you’ll be glad you did
Honestly, the “little things” you list seem huge especially if marriage is something you ultimately want (and he doesn’t seem to care about at all). I think you seem like a great couple for dating but a marriage is a whole different set of standards and in my experiences, a marriage where one person is picking up nearly 100% of the “bureaucratic” slack (ie everything you listed from making sure orders are correct at restaurants to dealing with movers and health appointments) is always an unhappy one. Imagine having a child with someone who won’t even make their own doctors appointments or use sunscreen! You would turn into the micromanaging nightmare and he would turn into the oafish husband stereotype.
It’s great that you can trust him with so much in other aspects of your life and it’s great that you’ve been able to share so many happy memories together! And I understand everyone is different, maybe the good does outweigh the bad for you and you’ll be able to live with being the one that pushed for marriage and pushed for merging your families et cetera. But if you can’t live with that, you don’t have to fall into the sunk cost fallacy. It’s never too late to leave a relationship that you’re no longer happy in. Good luck!