This is a throwaway as I know people on here.
So a few days ago my gf decided to tell me that she had doubts about our relationship and has decided to end it, we had a conversation about it a few weeks before but she wanted to try and make it work and I thought everything was going great so it feels quite out of the blue. When I asked her why, she told me simply that she is worried about our future and whether she will feel the right way or whether she feels the right way about me now (I don’t know what this means).
She has told me that I make her happy, she has told me that she loves me and that she likes our lives etc. We have lifted each others careers considerably and have supported each other to very good jobs etc. Her family loves me and they disagree with her decision as they think we are great couple. Others have described us as a power couple in the past and that they are jealous of how good we are together (and I agree that we are very good together, so does she).
We don’t fight ever, I don’t get angry, even in this situation I have tried to be as amicable as possible and we are not in a confrontation about it as I don’t think she has done anything wrong.
We own a house together and have a dog which we love so she is adamant that we should continue to live together in separate rooms as friends and when I bring up that this we break this family and lifestyle apart eventually she is certain that this is very long term (co-habiting) and that we won’t be “moving on” for a very long time and practically doesn’t want to address it. We are keeping it quiet right now and haven’t told anyone.
I am so in pain by this turn of events and I have no idea what to do to fix it or if it is even possible to fix it, any advice is welcome.
TLDR; My GF is leaving me because she is unsure how she feels and I don’t understand or know what to do.
40 comments
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It’s entirely possible she just no longer feels the same way. It’s not necessarily anything that’s happened or anything you’ve done wrong. Sometimes people’s feelings just change
Sounds like she’s moved on. All you can do is try and do the same. And even if she decides she made a mistake and wants to get back together, you need to think long and hard if you want to go through this again. She must know how much this is hurting you.
That doesn’t sound like a good long term solution, cohabitation,at least not without actual reasons. I suspect more is going on, but you need to talk with her about this.
What you do:
you let her.
Focus on yaself, don’t chase after her.
Do NOT still live with her.
How is your sex life?
Maybe that could explain what is going on.
I would definitely not go for co habitation
No. You can’t “fix” this. It’s ridiculous.
What she is saying is that she no longer finds you sexually attractive but she selfishly wants her cake and eat it. She wants the financial and comfortable joint lifestyle while denying you sex.
Exactly how long are you prepared to put up with living like a monk with a room mate? This arrangement only suits her and is wrong.
You do realise that if she’s no longer attracted to you that she will start looking for your replacement whatever she says about it being long term? She’s only saying that to keep her nice compliant roommate (you) as long as she needs you.
You need to split up and sell the property so you can both move on.
She’s being beyond selfish.
Sometimes feelings just change.
Also, some people go through what is known as the “7 years itch” where people start questioning everything in a relationship and their feelings or just life / job/ etc. Google it to learn more.
If she’s been feeling like her life and relationship is stuck in a repetitive cycle and grown bored, maybe more excitement as a couple may help bring her back.
Do you two travel? Go on adventures? Does she have any dreams left unfulfilled and feels like she can’t do them because she feels stuck?
I think cohabiting is not the right way forward. There is tends to be one person (you) who wants more. What happens if she or you meet somebody else etc.
She really should tell you why she wants this, my huge guess is she doesn’t want to lose the benefits but doesn’t want to engage in a physical relationship. They may be another person or maybe somebody who has wobbled her mind a little.
Either way you both need to sit and have an honest conversation and indeed I’d say brother you need to prep for a life without her.
Good luck brother
Outside of your few paragraphs it’s hard to make assumptions… but I’ll say that if this truly is how she’s feeling, genuine respect to her for actually being honest and speaking to you about it truthfully… had to be a difficult thing to do.
It hurts and it sucks, but at least she’s not one of many other pieces of human filth who say nothing, drag you along, start cheating on you, then completely blow-up your life years from now saying “I just didn’t want to hurt you” (after having guaranteed to maximize all possible pain).
Be patient and respect her feelings. Maybe she’ll come back to you, maybe not… but at least you got the truth.
Honestly stuff like this happens a lot when a couple gets together so young. She was 20 when you started dating, barely more than a teenager. A lot of people get to 25/26/27 and take a look at their lives and think ‘is this where I want to be? Is what I wanted at 20 what I want now?
I’m going through almost the exact same situation right now with my boyfriend of 5 years. He also suggested we stay friends which to me honestly feels in a way as if keeping much of what is the relationship. I think the best thing to do is to cut it off, not speak to them, do your own activities, keeps yourself busy. That’s how I’ve been handling this, as I too very much think he’s making a mistake. But in the end of the day we have to ask ourselves is that what we want anymore. Do we want someone who has doubts about us. If our relationships were as important to them wouldn’t they try and figure it out and if they truly loved us wouldn’t they make those efforts to stay together. I’ve too been struggling with it, It really does suck to not see any of this coming and to not even understand it. But it will all work out in the end whichever way that it is, because it has to.
Her attraction has dropped for whatever reason – best thing you can do is stick with her decision and move on. Do not live with her and refuse any agreement around being friends (ie you become a backup plan if she doesn’t find someone better).
If she comes back at a later date then you can consider getting back together but ensure she works hard to restore your relationship as she’s the one that broke it
You need to disabuse her of this notion that you’ll continue to play house after a breakup. If you’re not together, decide who gets the dog and go no contact. Don’t give her a nice easy path towards being single.
No. She does get to dictate how the separation goes and have you just capitulate. You will never accept the break up or move on if you continue to cohabitate. You will just live with unfounded hope and it will destroy you. It’s over. Put the house on the market, separate your finances, look for another place to live and get custody of the dog. If she changes her mind when you start disjoining yourself think long and hard if she really wants to or just doing it to not disrupt her life. You may be back here in 6 months when she does it again because she’s resentful or regretful.
It’s super common to have a quarter life crisis.Your girlfriend spent her prime in a relationship and as she’s getting older she’s realizing there are experiences she’s wanted to have and second guessing experiences she has had.
Living together as friends is a terrible idea. It really is all or nothing and if you are going to separate it needs to be complete. Maybe after a period of time you could become friends again. But no contact is generally the best to allow healing.
Feelings can change, people evolve and mature, this shit happens thankfully but also unfortunately.
For me never fighting and never getting angry feels a bit off… we are no robots, fighting (within a “healthy” level”) and getting angry is normal. Then you talk it out and make up.
I get a little bit the feeling your relationship ran its course. Some relationships sometimes do have expiration dates. Especially since she’s been with you since she was 20 years old. She grew and matured, she was still very young to plan for the rest of her life. That’s why she probably said she was “unsure”.
Please don’t try to fix it, let her be and let her go. Don’t hold on to a relationship she doesn’t seem to want at this time.
Oh is this the 7 year itch …look it up it’s definitely a thing and has happened to me too. Maybe show her and you maybe able to work through it. Worth a try if your love her and no one else is involved
>We own a house together and have a dog which we love so she is adamant that we should continue to live together in separate rooms as friends
I would not agree to that if I were you.
Living with her will not facilitate getting her back. It’s only going to give you pain. Think your going to be okay when you hear her banging some other guy in your house? How will it feel when she starts referring to you as her roommate? How will you move on and find someone else if she’s there all the time? How long are you prepared to live as a monk while she’s with someone else?
If she wants to break up that’s her decision and her life but you should not be forced into staying in that life by living together. Please make a clean break. Sell the house, it’s a good market right now and move on with your life. If she wants to come back later, you can cross that bridge later. She is basically telling you to put your life on hold while she moves on. You need to take charge of your own happiness like she is.
As much as you question yourself about why she may be leaving you, could you properly sit with her and ask her what she really wants? Make sure she knows that she can take her time to respond to your question, instead of a reaction. Give her space and time to think. You sound like a really nice guy and mature, and I‘m sure you‘re heartbroken about this. I would also be reacting the same. She may be going through something which she may not have completely talked to you about. She‘s at that point in her life where she‘s getting worried about her next steps. Best thing to so is tell her you love her. I really hope she comes around and decides what she wants. Best of luck my friend, and keep your chin up during these difficult times.
She wants to tryout other guys. Do not live together. Force the sale of the house and move on.
Is it possible she wants marriage and children and not seeing that with you? Or she’s changed due to maturity and realized she wants to experience life a bit more being single without strings. You have spent your twenties together. She’s probably realized that maybe she needs to be free a bit to know what she really wants. Doesn’t have to be that there is someone else.
She has stopped being in love with you, whether or not she’s cheating/cheated or looking for someone else is a problem for another day, your current problem is what to do.
You cannot fix this without knowing why she wants to leave the relationship, which she from your post has not told you, so it cannot be fixed.
You tell her how you feel, that you will try to understand how she is feeling and move on, but that you won’t allow it to be a long process, a quick break is best for everyone.
Tell her that you will allow her access to see your dog, but SHE as the person who is leaving the relationship is the one who needs to move out, and this needs to be done ASAP.
Do not allow co-habitation, this is her attempt to have your emotional and financial support without being in a relationship with you, and will only damage your emotional and mental health.
As you say you own the house together, you need to contact a lawyer and get the house prepared for sale (at the very least appraised so one of you can buy the other one out) and start separating all your relationship property.
And do not keep this quiet, the longer it is quiet, the longer the truth of it risks being skewed by other peoples views on how you both continue to interact with each other. Where as if it is out in the open, you both (but most importantly you) can ensure that as much truth as you want out is out, so few rumours can spread. Especially ensure that her family, and all your joint friends know that the ending of the relationship was her decision, and that you have not received any explanation other than she doesn’t see a future with you anymore.
Cohabitation is about the worst thing you could do. You will need the space to move on. This sounds like torture.
You can do everything right and people can still lose feelings. If it seems like she’s already moved on, this has probably been on her mind for a while now and she’s finally set in her decision.
Have you read “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink” by Matthew Fray? It might not be the EXACT same situation, but may give you some insight.
Also have you spoken of marriage at all? Seven years is a long time, are either of you interested in marrying? Its possible it has something to do with that? I know marriage isn’t for everyone but you guys already have a house together so it makes me wonder if she changed her mind on anything.
Its also possible she’s just…not in love with you anymore.
I agree you shouldn’t cohabitate after this though. Its gonna make a lot of things weird. You should cut ties as cleanly as possible.
Sounds to me like she fell out of love with you. It’s normal after years love progresses to a deeper, steadier level – but this also means the exciting feeling of being completely crazy for your partner vanishes. Maybe she misses this feeling or even thinks it is supposed to last.
My money is on she has someone new. I appreciate that she wants to break up instead of cheat. Cohabitation is going to kill you inside. You guys need a clean break sell the house now.
She is emotionally disconnected from you. Everything you mentioned in your post alludes to some sort of tangible goal/objective (house, job, being a power couple, etc.) but there is nothing in your post about her, or her feelings, or her thoughts. You built a great life, but there’s more to it than just building great things.
1. Anyone can leave a relationship for whatever reason they want
2. Did she want to get married? Did you?
3. You bought a house together while not married. Did you talk about what would happen if you split up?
4. Do you want to live with her? If not then you can propose selling the house.
5. If she brings dates home would you be cool with that? If you brought dates home will she be cool with that?
6. You don’t have to go along with this plan…but you can if you want to. You can tell people you broke up. You can ask her to buy out you share of the house or visa versa.. You can decide to stay. You can come up with a custody arrangement for the dog.
7. My suspicion is that she has another person in the wings but doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle or dog. Or she wants to get married and you don’t. I would tell people…if she has someone in the wings then sunlight on this will be good.
You won’t be able to move on/get over any of it if you’re still living with her, it will make you miserable knowing what you had and now for whatever reason don’t have anymore. You need to work out a way to do something about the house.
Let her do what she wants, if she realises its a mistake then that’s on her.
Focus on yourself, go out with friends, make new friends, you can do whatever you want.
If she wants to break up then she (or you) need to move out and move on. Do not under any circumstances agree to keep living together “as friends”.
Get a lawyer and sell the house and move on bro.
You might want to see an experienced therapist for “conscious uncoupling.” It might give you answers about what changed.
I am not the same person at 27 I was at 20. Right around 27/28 I really came into myself.
It could be that she has changed, you did nothing wrong. But who she is, might not be compatible with who you are.
Obligatory see a therapist if she is interested. See if in therapy you can find out what is wrong. And see if it is something fixable
If she is already moved on mentally, do not waste your time. Talk to a lawyer about diving the house. Hopefully you two will be able to find an good solution for both you. And get therapy for yourself. You did nothing wrong.
7 years? Did you guys talk about marriage and kids? Perhaps she wants these things and has been waiting.
Also, this is why people say don’t buy a house unless you’re married.
If she’s over it, she’s over it, but given that it’s been 7 years and you have a house I have to ask – why aren’t you engaged?
That could be what she was referring to.
I have a feeling she already has someone new in her life or in mind, but doesn’t want the hassle of moving out.
You lost me at *gf of 7 years*