Highly bothered and offended my husband (32M) went through my phone while I (23F) was asleep

42 comments

1. > But for some strange reason recently, he’s gone through my phone numerous times, every time he’ll just do it in front of me.

   OP, he’s most likely just projecting his own wrong-doings on you. I’d start talking to a lawyer, and get out of this mess. Don’t forget to get tested for STDs.

   > I don’t know what to do. I desperately need advice.

   You know that there are more red flags than you can count. Why do you want your kids to be exposed to this toxic crap? Early on, when he cheated on you, you should have slowed down, and reconsidered the relationship, when he continued being “friends with his ex”, the woman he cheated on you with, you should have walked….what did you do? Somehow ended up married to that guy very quickly…. srsly…

   End it, move on, get some counseling, and take things actually slow in the future.

   Edit:

   > https://www.reddit.com/r/Molested/comments/vbprc8/desperately_need_words_of_encouragement_family/

   OP…I’m so sorry what happened to you in the past. Do you understand that your husband was grooming you?

   u/ebbie45 has a great compilation of resources if the situation is abusive/toxic. Check them out.

2. There’s nothing to be offended if there’s nothing to hide. Perhaps you should do the same.

3. So here’s the thing about forgiveness. Yes it’s a virtue, and yes people can change – that doesn’t mean you have be front and center for that and give your kids a preview of what the next 20 years of their life is going to be. There are people who have wronged me deeply, and I wish them well and I hope/believe they will change – but I respect myself enough to know I don’t need to be part of their journey in bettering themselves. You have kids – they and your ability to successfully coparent will ALWAYS be more important than him. He’s just going to have to deal with that.

   What he’s doing is called projecting (and gaslighting I’m guessing) – he is projecting his feelings of cheating onto you. He has/is cheating, and assumes you are too so he doesn’t feel as guilty. His actions aren’t so bad if he can point the finger at you, right?

   Just because you have nothing to hide, does NOT mean you should be ok with his behavior regarding your phone. You need to think deeper about this – you have basically taught him that reading your phone is acceptable. I sincerely hope you do not let your kids think this is how two people behave in a relationship.

   Why are you with him? Please not the “but I loooooove him” nonsense – you’re a parent, so I hope you know that love is just not enough. A happy relationship MUST be built on mutual respect and trust. And it doesn’t sound like he reciprocates those feelings.

4. “For some strange reason recently…”

   Seems to me like he’s maybe doing something he shouldn’t be doing with someone who’s not you and now wants to find/accuse you of doing something so he doesn’t feel so guilty and can blame you for the marriage not working out. Classic deflection/projection.

   Sorry you have to go through it.

5. See a marriage counselor ASAP, because he sounds like he’s projecting. Worst case scenario, get ready to see a divorce lawyer.

6. So, let me get this straight.

   He started seeing you when you were 20 and he was nearly 30?

   You already had 2 kids by the time you were 20?

   He cheated on you for over a year and you went ahead and married him? (the ongoing “friendship” was emotional cheating)

   Please don’t get pregnant by this man.

   Please do get therapy. Your partner-picker is broken and this man is only breaking it further.

7. Sounds like to me that because of what he did to you in the beginning of the relationship has him feeling insecure towards your relationship with your childrens father . But you aren’t being disrespectful, you are co parenting with him . There is nothing there and he’s trying to create something there because of him feeling insecure or guilty from him cheating on you in the past . I would put his ass in check especially with him being close with the woman he cheated on you with so where does he get the audacity to read your messages and tell you that the conversation from you to him is “ too friendly” . He’s acting immature as hell I believe and it’s time you told him to cut that shit out .

8. [deleted]

9. i’m of the opinion that there should be no secrets between husbands and wife. however sneaking in her phone , it’s not right , my wife knows ALL my passwords, i have nothing to hide and have given her my phone and tablet to look thru. this IS an issue for her , i don’t get the same and it does make me feel some sort of way…Co-parenting is tough and you must remain on the same page ( for kids sake ) if he don’t understand that, then he’s not the guy. if you have nothing to hide looking will only make him look stupid

10. Red flag – this is controlling, coercive and invading your privacy. I’d think carefully about your future with this man. Take care, protect yourself and your children.

11. So this sounds like major projection… I would even say it sounds likely he is having an emotional affair and looking for excuses to further it along. I think you know all that though. I think transparency is a 2 way street in my opinion though so I definitely pray you go through his phone and such even if you feel it is a waste of your time because do not let someone doing all this get that comfortable.

    One small thing that I am sure will get me downvoted though. Why bs him and pacify him? Why not tell him str8 up you feel you are doing nothing wrong and have that tough conversation? This will not go away if you can’t be 100% str8 up about needing to have a friendly relationship with your babies father. If anything he should encourage this though, not stand in the way of it. This seems like a tough conversation you both need to have for the best interest of the kid and parenting instead of dodging it. I would be livid if my new partner ever tried to stand in the way of me providing the best coparenting I could for my children. That is an immediate GTFO for me.

    Just my 2 cents though since we only have the smallest peak into a much larger mess as a whole.

12. He’s projecting his cheating onto you. This won’t get better. Eventually you’ll have to choose between communicating with your ex and your bf.

    I get the forgiving and giving ppl a chance to change, however, experience has taught me that this will get you the short end of the stick every time. Now I give ppl much less rope to hang themselves, bc I’m not going to fuck myself over any more.

13. You married a frickin cheater !?!? Come on

14. Well… Tbh u made your choice to stay and reconcile with him.

    Holding his cheating against him after that many years… It’s not actually fair as in it is but the point is you should have not continued being with him after he cheated if you would always go back to it and use it against him.

    If you truly believe he has redeemed himself from the cheating, this means that you started a new relationship after he cheated. So whatever happened in the past stays in the past and whatever he is doing now is isolated, it is on its own, in its own timeline.

    Or that is how how it should be in practice.
    Imagine you broke his favourite cup and he decides to forgive you even though he is super hurt and upset with it. You manage to reddim yourself, it’s already in the past. One day it looks like he broken your favourite cup. You will be upset, right. You won’t think oh I broke his cup, so it is fine he broke mine now. You would be thinking damn he gave me so much crap about breaking his cup, I thought he would never break mine…. That greatly upsets me.

    So yeah, just saying that when u make the choice to stay with someone who has cheated on you and to forgive them, u basically tell them that in your eyes they have redeemed themselves.

    Is he hypocritical? Possibly.

    But when arguing with him I think since it was your choice to stay with him, you cannot use the argument but when you cheated on me I was so nice to you… Isolate the situation and argue as if it sth on its own “look, I have nothing to hide, thus I don’t mind you going through my phone however I do not like that you do not trust me” “u know I will never cheat on you and I don’t have any feelings for my ex husband”.

15. He’s cheating on you again. It’s projection. 100%. That’s why he’s suddenly going through your phone and grasping at straws on things to accuse you. This is classic projection I promise you this is the case.

    On top of his current and previous cheating, he sounds like a dick. Life’s foo short to be in shifty relationships.

    Edit: I just read your post history. I’m so sorry all of this happened to you. The comment above had some resources for victims of predatory behavior like yourself. I hope you have the ability to stay with friends or family and get out of the situation.

    There are typically free legal services at the courthouse, if you want to pursue divorce but don’t feel you have the means or ability. They also have other resources they can provide for domestic/child victims. I think meeting an attorney is the right course of action for you, and they can advise you of your options.

16. That is the downside when you accept a cheater. They use their experience with cheating and project it on you. At this point you need to ask him why he is projecting his past cheating habits on you. Ask if there is anything else you need to know that he is hiding for him to act like this. At that point demand that he bring his devices to you. Start going through all of it. If this is the relationship he wants so be it. Remind him that he the one that broke trust and should be earning it not punishing you for it. If he wants to continue to be controlling, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker to end the relationship.

17. You’re married to a cheater who got with you when you were 20 and he was 30, you wanted him to be better and he’s showing you that he’s not. His immaturity is really no surprise. My guess is he’s once again doing something he shouldn’t be and is projecting that onto you as a way to avoid accountability/responsibility, that or he is trying to catch you doing something wrong as a way to have a reason to run into the arms of someone else . Do not continue to be disrespected by someone who has cheated but tries to dictate your relationship with the father of your children. What a joke

18. I’m sorry but it was a really dumb idea to marry this door knob. He cheated on you, you allowed it. And then you thought it was a good idea to marry this jackass? Jesus Christ being on this app makes me think people just dont want to have enjoyable lives sometimes.

19. 1. therapy (yes, you can find resources for lower cost therapy, virtual therapy, ask about sliding scales, etc.) and if possible trauma-informed therapy and/or childhood trauma specialized therapy.
    2. birth control of some kind. it doesn’t need to be hormonal if you don’t want that. lots of options for birth control and family planning. the pull-out method is NOT a birth control method. do your research, don’t be dependent on the other party to bring protection, and be wary of getting trapped.
    3. financial independence. never ever depend on anyone else and always have your own emergency fund to fall back on. you never want your freedom to be restricted because you don’t have your own money. especially since you have kids.
    4. try being single. you’re very young and you’re in your formative years. this is the time to figure out your identity, what you want to do, where you want to go, what you like, what you don’t like, and do all that young adult exploration stuff. it’s harder as a parent but not impossible to do.

    good luck!

20. You married a manipulative asshole. You were 20 when you started dating and he was nearly 30, he had no business even dating you except he knew you were young and easier to manipulate. He cheated on you and even after getting caught continued to cheat and stay close “friends” with his ex and you let him, you were so forgiving you just let him do that and you married him, which is shocking.

    He doesn’t trust you and he goes through your phone because he’s a shady piece of shit who cheats so he’s convinced you’re cheating and doing the same things he does. Also, if he can make you constantly have to defend yourself and act like you’re doing something wrong that means all the attention is on you, you feel guilty and have to defend yourself so he can get away with the shady shit he’s actually doing.

21. in my experience when a s/o is going through your phone, acting suspicious, and jealous, it tends to be because they’re projecting onto you. He might be cheating again or doing something he knows he shouldn’t be. maybe try couples and individual therapy?

22. I think he’s projecting. He’s doing something wrong, so he’s accusing and suspecting YOU of doing the same thing. Wouldn’t be surprised if he was still cheating. That being said, he has no right to be saying you’re “too friendly” with the father of your children, especially because he continued being so friendly to his ex he cheated with. He has no grounds to be upset with you. Personally, I would change my password so he can no longer access it.

23. Usually when someone starts going through phones, accusing their significant other of cheating, flirting, etc. out of nowhere, they are projecting.

    ​

    Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    Sounds like a stand up guy to have around your kids…way to teach them that this is normal behavior in a relationship…

24. A 29 year old dating a 20 year old, eh? Let me guess, you’ve known him since before you were 18?

25. 🙄 He went for you because 30-year-old women won’t put up with shit like that. It sounds like you’re starting to wise up and starting to “age out” of his BS. Time to move on to a healthy relationship.

26. OP.

    You are in an abusive relationship. You need to learn boundaries and considering your husband is a toxic individual I suspect when you start standing up for yourself and not tolerating this unacceptable behavior it will end in divorce (to your benefit, even if you don’t see it yet) it’s hard to imagine he will change now.

27. So you you felt like this:

    >The hell? Dude, I don’t want to hear SHIT from you, freakin best friends with his ex and slept with her while you were with me, get out of my face.

    But what you said to your husband was this:

    >Annoyed I tell him I understand and that I’ll stop conversation with him other than it being about the kids.

    Do you see the enormous gap between how you actually felt in the situation and what you said to your boyfriend afterwards? I’m not trying to make you out to be the villain here, because you’re not; your husband is inexcusably hypocritical and controlling, and this is absolutely his fault. I think you should start talking to a divorce lawyer, because he clearly doesn’t trust or respect you.

    But I’m also getting the vibe that maybe you don’t respect yourself all that much? Because if your internal reaction to his bullshit is “what the FUCK is he on?” but what you say to him is “okay I understand honey I’ll change my behavior,” you’re being both dishonest with him and disrespectful to yourself. If you had told him what your honest reaction was, what do you think his reaction would have been?

28. It’s a clue to the state of your relationship. He is feeling insecure for some reason. What you do with that information may seriously affect your relationship going forward.

    You can start to become reassuring or you can continue to be combative.

    At this point, your current path may end the relationship. If you are OK with that, then fine.

29. He’s cheating again

30. > But for some strange reason recently

    He could be cheating again. Acting suspicious of a partner and accusing them of cheating or being “overly friendly” when it’s not justified can be a sign of projection of their own guilt and suspicious behavior. ESPECIALLY since he already has a track record….

31. If I was you, I would just say “Hey, remember EXNAME? Your ex that you fucked while you were with me and still have a friendship?

    Option A- If you want me to stop to talk with the father of my children, you need to cut contact with her.

    Option B- I am the one who should look through someone else’s phone and the one with trust issues. So, please, stop with that, because I will not stop to talk with the father of my children.

    THIS ISN’T AN ADVICE, I’M TRYING TO MAKE A SCENE!
    Think very well about this subject, so you can have a proper solution.

32. Some things to ask yourself to assess the situation:

    * If he goes through your phone, is he okay with you going through his phone?
    * If he draws a boundary for you with your ex about acceptable communication (and what is too friendly) does he follow that same standard for himself? How does he decide what is too friendly when he’s in contact with other women?
    * His own behavior–sneaky, controlling, etc.–would he think that was okay if you did it?

    If it isn’t a two-way street, you know you’re in an imbalanced relationship. Be careful with forgiveness. You can forgive someone but not trust them if they don’t deserve your trust. You can forgive and still protect yourself.

33. My guess is that he’s cheating again. What he’s doing smacks of projection. He’s trying to alleviate his guilt by finding ‘proof’ that you’re doing the same things as him.

34. 9 year age gap and you are 23. Yikes. Sounds like both of you have seriously messed up lives and you personally would benefit from a swift exit based on both your post and replies

35. Please look up Dr. Ramani on YouTube about narcissism. Your husband sounds like a narcissist.

36. I’m sorry, and i mean this with nothing but kindness, but you are extremely naive and need to go to therapy to learn why you allow people to treat you this way

37. Why are you still with him?

38. Projection.

    He’s thinking about cheating, maybe doing it, so he sees it in your (perfectly normal) behaviour.

39. I had a string of relationships with people who didn’t mesh well emotionally but felt a compulsion towards none the less.

    I realised my partner chooser was broken, so now I use it as a radar to know who to stay away from.

40. You’re married at 23?? Smh

41. You married a cheater at 23 smh

42. This man is out here cheating on you and accusing you of doing it. Yiiiikes. Bet you find some spicy shit if you read his phone.