Oh boy. Apologies in advance for my wall of text.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years. Around 10ish years I noticed my husband starting to say things like “look at those thugs outside” when it’s just some black people hanging out minding their business. I would say something to that effect, that they are not doing anything, and he would tell me my world view is “too innocent “ and that I am being naive.
Now, with all of the issues America is having with systemic racism, and cops…at times race is brought up. Today that happened. We were going through YouTube on the tv, and I turned on a news story about Jayland Walker. I had my opinions on it- why any cop needs to shoot someone 60 times…ugh. Ohio (the state we live in) has a messy history with cops shooting people, I was talking about that too, the time cops literally jumped on top of a car and shot 129 times even though the people were unarmed.
My husband went in on the “well they should not run from the cops” and blah blah blah. I mentioned all of the recent times white people have ran from police after literal mass shootings and they were unharmed. He again said I was naive. Then he said to look at “who is the majority of the race in prison”, which I then mentioned profiling, and he just rolled his eyes and got more defensive. I told him that as he has gotten older, he has developed racist thoughts. In retrospect, I could have said some of the things a bit nicer. I also said I could not understand how he could have such liberal opinions on nearly everything but also be racist. He said I was a “fucking idiot”. I got upset that he called me that, but he said, “well YOU called ME racist!!!!” He then got up and SCREAMED “DONT YOU EVER BRING THIS UP AGAIN”.
We have been in separate rooms since the argument. I am just flabbergasted. Not sure what my next move is here, besides a big talk.
21 comments
Don’t tell me, let me guess.
Your husband has been watching or hearing about the January 6th senate commity/hearings about Trump lately? Yeah~~~ That would get him all riled up!
It’s scary stuff, Op.
I might have to leave him over that. Also, how the hell did “racist”, like “terf”, turn into solely an insult in some people’s minds, rather than a term to describe the shitty bigoted behavior the person is doing?
Sounds to me like you aren’t hearing him out, so I don’t know why you expect him to listen to you. You keep saying he got defensive but also brush off whenever he challenged your retort which indicates you were too…
Hmmm… I’m pretty sure that sudden racism is actually a symptom of some illnesses like alzheimers/dementia. It may be worth a Google and a doctors visit. Especially because he’s otherwise quite liberal.
People like your husband hate it when a mirror is held up to them so that they can see exactly who they really are.
A big talk is next but do not expect it to go nicely or end well.
You may wish to prepare yourself so when you do it, remain as non-emotional as you can, be prepared to go to the toilet lots (handy tactic when things get heated) and try to remain as detached as you can whenever he starts a rant. If he starts off just give him a flat “wtf are you on?” look.
Troll post
So the information gap here is he thinks black people are over represented in crime stats, because he thinks black people are somehow inherently more likely to commit crimes. There is a lot of media in the US which gives people that impression.
In reality, the most accurate social predictor of criminality is poverty, and there are many institutions in the US which unfavorably funnel black people into poverty.
Racists don’t think they’re racist, they think they’re realists, because they are either ignorant to the root causes of the circumstances around them, or they are aware of them and don’t care.
People who choose to treat individuals like shit because of stats aren’t good people. If they treat other people poorly because of their race, that’s literally the definition of racism.
So what do you do? You tell him you don’t want to be with someone who treats people like that, and if you’re not satisfied with his response, you leave.
I know my advice is rather loose and from a lack of relationship experience but perhaps the method of trying to sit down, and explore his perspective and opinions and find why he has these opinions developed?
As you say he is liberal on other perspectives. I hope things go well, goodluck.
I think it’s made up, like most other similar posts on this rapidly declining subreddit.
Personally I would have left around the 10ish years mark; these things tend to be worse than you think and he’ll likely reveal more of this kind of thinking over time as he already has. Also the way he responded to you? Not okay.
I always use this test: Who is a woman I love dearly? If she were in my position what would I advise her to do and tolerate?
If I were to have kids with this person would I want them to take on the behavior my partner is displaying and then treat others this way?
What you do moving forward is up to you.
Idk. It sounds like he has a different perspective than you and you became emotional and shut it down by calling him a racist. It does sound like he has adopted some incredibly biased and mis informed views, so yeah, I’d say he fits in that category. So now you’re right but he won’t talk to you. I DO think you could have approached this as a discussion and asked him why he holds the views he does. It could help him.realize he’s wrong.
I think what’s more important is your husband shutting down any further discussion on the subject of race. What hope do you have to change his opinion if he refuses to consider new perspectives from the person he’s closest too? Idk. I guess you’ll have to hope he educates himself more and changes his views himself.
It doesn’t sound like this was slowly developing. It seems like he’s had these thoughts for a long time, and you’ve somehow managed to avoid having a fight about it. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to make people change their opinions, especially with bigoted views like this. You could try talking to him again, but it sounds like he’ll just blow up. You could also try couples counseling, so you have a neutral space to talk without fighting.
It sounds more like he’s interpreted the data differently than you have and understandably objects to what he’d consider an unfounded accusation of racism. If you double down on the accusations, your big talk isn’t going to go well.
Start blocking/throttling Fox News and other conservative websites…I wish there was a site that allowed you to nuke your YouTube/Facebook algorithm.
He is racist, you gonna continue being with him.
Have a nice life with a racist.
I mean, you called a spade a spade. He is acting racist.
I’m assuming you don’t intend to call quits on a 14 year relationship, so sit down with him and have an adult conversation about it together.
i personallu would leave immediately im absolutely done trying to fix people. im not gonna get screamed at and called names for telling someone what they are. he was racist. u pointed it out. he got bitchy. find someone who isnt a racist asshole, it is not good to just sit by and allow someone like this in ur life
As a self proclaimed and genius psychologist…. liberal racists are way problematic.
Reasons for his behavior…
1. May be watching some white supremacist shit a lot.
2. May have something happened to him /someone he knows where black is the culprit.
3. Incidents involving blacks being mad has been going a lot in his ears
4…. idk
What can you do?
1.SEX
2. Don’t try to challenge his beliefs outright and question why he thinks the way he thinks… try to be what you are to him… a companion
3. After he becomes comfortable telling you his his bias and insecurity which you have to listen to without any prejudice…
And… I will tell you later
Okay so let me get this straight your husband hates trump who has openly stated some questionable things about certain races, nations or religions (Muslims Mexicans) I also hate trump the far right and I hate the far left I see way more extremism and racism from far leftist because the far right have been shamed into hiding. And the far left is glorified in the majority of media which is scary in itself. Anyway you seem to hold leftists views on policing and crime. So let’s break down the “racist” things your husband has said. Because it looks likes your are saying some racist things as well trying to put white people down which the left has deemed ok for some insane reason. “Your husband says look at those thugs outside” referring to a group of black people. Now I’m from the ghetto and have been in two gun standoffs multiple street fights and robberies (i am a changed man) if you don’t judge someone off of what they’re doing wearing and presenting themselves than yes that is naive to not have any discernment and unsafe especially if your a parent did these group of men look like thugs- sagging pants, gang attire face tattoos things like that would therefore tell anyone with half a brain that these guys are probably what they are portraying themselves to be gang members thugs hardcore men. So that’s not inherently racist whatsoever context matters a lot systemic racism is still a hotly debated topic and only really confirmed in left wing academic scenarios (again i hate the far right) so it looks like your trying to push your left wing ideals upon your husband to me and angry he isn’t agreeing so your pulling the he’s a racist card like every other left winger which has lost its power because it’s like the boy who cries wolf everyone’s racist if they don’t agree with you it’s gross. Now I’m not saying this is you but it’s what it looks like to me. And that reason is also a huge reason the left is losing a lot of people me included I voted for Bernie in 2016 literally I had to leave the left because they are turning into the racists they used to denounce it’s sad. Saying someone shouldn’t run from the cops is not a racist statement either context matters and a lot of those cases are very complicated some are obviously police negligence and police murders but the vast majority of shootings are justified the minority is what everyone focuses on because the left media so it seems like your the one trying again to push agendas and ideals onto your husbands and your not giving hardly any context in your reasons trying to call him a racist @look at who the majority of race is in prison” again there’s no context to this statement. The statement in of itself is not racist it is a fact the majority of people in prisons are African American that is a fact and highly studied topic as to why. You mention profiling? That might be a small contributor as to why but not at all a major factor.
Emotional outburst at the end aside, reporting on these things is kinda skewed and liberal or not he comes from a place that there is not systemic racism while you believe there is, that’s the foundation for how you view any such news.
I’m from white homogenous country and most of the reasoning your husband uses is used here whenever news of these events get all the way over here, because again, people come form the same place as your husband, eg. running from police will get you shot and it seems whenever it’s POC it’s always situation they run. What, I guess, people often fail to see outside of US espeically is, that they think that white person running away from cops would get shot the very same way, so it’s not race profiling but just dumb actions by individuals.
That’s just one example for many, but I think that’s core thinking, I don’t think it’s racist I think it’s ignorance that might or may not turn into racism when people see on the news this happens to POC way more than whites.
I personally think it’s mix of everything. Some cops are powehungry, some cops are racist, some criminals are dumb, some people panic, some people are criminals, some are not… it’s a like a giant hotpot and the way some media cover it is not helping at all.
Marriage is about having a shared pathway with shared values and goals. If you no longer share the same values, it might be appropriate to no longer remain married.