I need advice.
A couple of months ago I (28M) realized that my best friend (28F) of over a decade, is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. She’s the one. And I don’t know what to do or how to tell her…
We met in high school and we immediately hit it off as being both the eldest of the class and kind of like the two old guys on the balcony of the muppet show. We became very close friends. We could tell each other anything and could be ourselves with each other. Sat next to each other in each class, went to college together, I dropped out while she finished it. We’ve been through thick and thin together for so many years. I was there during her worst, around the period I met her, and she was there during my worst. She even let me stay with her when I was practically homeless. I’ve seen her in and out of relationships and fwb for so long and I never thought much of it. Because for the most part of the past decade I have been struggling to get over my previous serious relationship, being depressed, practically homeless and that’s why I dropped out… And the latter part of the decade was me being too stupid to realize that she’s the one.
I’m not going to write what she has been through, all the exes and fwb etc although it impacts my story, those stories aren’t mine to tell so don’t even bother asking…
Anyway, when covid hits she lost her job as an elementary teacher. In between full lockdowns she decided she wanted more from life and took a road trip 2000 km away. Obviously I encouraged her. So during this trip of course she met someone, her current bf and when another lockdown hit, she stayed with him until now. During this almost 2 years period she had a miscarriage, and I wanted to surprise visit her after all the lockdowns ended to lift her spirits up a little. Before I could even leave, she stood at my door surprising me. She came to visit her family and close friends for it has been a while since she saw them… That’s when she dropped the bomb on me.
She told me that she was pregnant again and they were thinking of getting married because it would be easier for papers and immigration for her and the baby. Apparently even though the country where she’s from and where she’s living right now are both european countries, it’s very difficult to get the right papers…
That was the only moment with her when I was ever speechless and just in awe… I tried my best looking as happy as I could for her, I don’t know if she noticed though… But that was the moment I realized that she was the one and that I’m too late…
That’s also the moment that she told me that her current bf is jealous of me even though he doesn’t know me. First I was like, I’m driving up there so I could show him that there’s nothing he should be afraid of… Then I thought it would be a hippocrite of me driving up there to show him there’s nothing to be jealous about but at the same time confirming his suspicion that I am in fact in love with her.
I wanted initially just to break up the friendship because she seems happy with him and all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. All my friends told me that I should tell her and work things out before making any rash decisions. And that it’s not only my decision to end friendship, but both of us. But then again, what the f am I expecting to gain if I tell her? I mean it’s not like she’s going for an abortion and leave the guy and be with me… I don’t expect her to do so either. On the otherside both him adn I wouldn’t be able to live with eachother as he’s jealous of me and I dont want to stand inbetween them. I dont want to be a reason for an argument.
So what should I do?
TL;DR: Realized after so many years my best friend is the one I want to be with. She’s my soulmate. Initially wanting to break clean the friendship for not wanting to stand in the way of her happiness. Her new boyfriend is jealous. So it is him or me… But she’s already pregnant from him and wanting to marry him for papers and ease for the baby… Tell her what I feel or not? Or do something else?
36 comments
>She’s the one. And I don’t know what to do or how to tell her..
If the feeling was mutual she wouldn’t be pregnant and getting married to her boyfriend. You’ve had 10 years.
I don’t think you should tell her. She’s getting married and having a kid, she’s happy as she is.
I think you need to decide if you are happy to be friends with her knowing that this is always going to be a friendship and nothing else.
I think the best thing you could do for her as someone who truly loves her and values her friendship is to not tell her, because at the end of the day you only want to see her happy so the biggest thing you could do is to let her be happy and endure. Yes it will suck but confessing may cause unwanted damage, but hey on the other hand you if you decide to confess you will get to tell her how you truly feel and let her decide what to do with that information.
Don’t tell her now. You had your chance. Maybe life will give you another chance in the future. But now you don’t have the right to ruin her happiness this way.
If she’s happy then i dont think you should tell her. Be happy that she’s happy. I don’t think telling her would change anything except lose you a good friend
I’m not sure why everyone is advising you not to tell her.
If the shoe was on the other foot,would you want to know? I think I would.
Bf is jealous, BF is obviously canny enough to suspect that you have feelings here,or that she does.
you are unlikely to be able to keep the friendship anyhow, I dont actually see anything wrong with having a chat with her to explain that you’ll probably withdraw yourself because BF is spot on, you actually do have feelings here, but you dont want to make life difficult for them by hanging around.
She’s an adult. If she doesn’t have any residual feelings for you then hopefully she will tactfully allow you to bow out gracefully. Which is, what you will need to do. In order for you to have a future with someone else, you will need to move past this period in your life and start afresh. I’m not saying you couldn’t be friends on some level, but it would probably prevent you from moving on cleanly if you guys were in touch often.
Also, if she had any sort of feelings for you, is it not more fair to her to he allowed to consider her options with all of the information?
If you really love her, I don’t think you should tell her. You only tell if you expect her to reciprocate, tbh. Telling her is also confirmation to her new partner’s fear therefore, she may end up cutting you off like full-stop.
Plus, you’ve had a decade to make something happen. But nothing happened. You never took the chance and she never initiated as well. She also had a decade to initiate something too, btw, it’s not all on you to confess/initiate a romantic relationship.
Anyway, since her bf/soon-to-be-husband is already jealous of you, your friendship with her will likely to fade away, unfortunately…and fortunately, because you shouldn’t be around her when you try to get over her.
What you do is tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. So you wish her and her new husband-to-be much happiness. Tell her that to ease his feeling of jealousy, you will put some space and time apart from her so she can concentrate to be with her husband and new family. Wish her the best and tell her that you will be available as a friend for her if/when she’s comfortable to include you in her new life (as a married woman and a mother).
Then mourn the ‘what if’ and the relationship that never was. Sometimes, life does bring us to that point. Grieve and then take time to heal before you start dating again in the future. Good luck.
Please don’t tell her. It doesn’t sound like she’s ever expressed an interest in wanting to be with you in that sort of way.
The next thing I have to say may come off harshly, but I think it needs to be said to make you think about how
important she actually is to you.
Wanting to stop being her friend because of this seems very odd. If you truly love her, don’t you want her to be in your life, and living hers happily?
Letting this friendship “fade away” as you said in a comment kind of indicates to me that she isn’t “the one” but perhaps that you’re just worried that you’re losing your role as her special guy. Feelings when someone is the “one” are selfless, unconditional, about what will benefit them. It’s like finding your best friend that you want to spend all your time with. Wanting to bow out and never see her again because she can’t be “yours” shows that your love is about you, not her.
You’re best friends. Surely that’s worth not throwing away?
If you really love her you’ll let her be happy and let her have her family in peace. Don’t mess it up for her.
I wouldn’t tell her. You have had an entire decade to tell her your feelings which magically popped up the moment she tells you she may be getting married and pregnant. If she didn’t say anything would you have even considered it or would it even be a question? It seems super selfish at that point. She’s pregnant and is with someone already and it seems the BF has every right to be suspicious of you. She’s never approached you in that manner so I don’t think it was meant to be in the first place. Perhaps some distance would be ok, not completely cutting her off and just be there when she needs you.
Dude. There’s a reason you never felt this way before. And it’s because she’s NOT “the one.” She’s just a close friend and now you are afraid you’re losing her to her new baby and partner and you selfishly want her all to yourself again. It’s ok, we all have selfish impulses, it’s normal.
But NO do NOT tell her you’re in love with her. You’re not even in love with her, you just think you are!! Life is not a rom com.
If you stay friends, stay friends. If your new “romantic” feeling distract you, stay clear. Tell her you’re doing it out of respect for her new partner.
Of course you dont tell her. This is real life, not a movie. Absolutely nothing good can come out of it. Just ease off on contact and let it go. You had 10 years, and you didnt do anything. Actually, im wondering if you really do love her, or if you just realized that she wont be waiting around on you anymore after finding out she is pregnant and getting married.
You snoozed. You lost.
It’s time to move on.
I think you don’t have to discount her feeling the same because you have been busy with other women and not showing signs you were interested , so she possibly has just moved on with another man . I have done this because I was waiting too long for someone . But it’s possible if she wasn’t making moved or was single you’d still be waiting around for someone who isn’t her . I think these life changes are making you rush to a place you might not have had she not made those moves
She is an adult and making a choice to marry someone. Please don’t get in her way.
You don’t do anything. This is a you problem. Let her have her happy life.
If one of my close friends, even one I’d had a crush on before, waited until I was engaged and pregnant to say ‘actually I’m in love with you’ I’d be FURIOUS.
This to me says you just can’t let her be happy with someone else, but weren’t prepared to do anything about it when you were both single. 10 years is too long, and if it’s taken you that long to realise that’s on you. Don’t make it her problem.
She’s also probably been trying very hard to convince her BF there’s nothing to worry about and he should let her have her friendships. You ruin that and he’s going to have a precedence for other male friendships.
Either you can manage being her friend or you can’t. My advice is just be her friend. If you can’t, don’t disrupt her life entirely as you leave it.
Why now have you realized this? After so many years? Personally, I’d let it be. She’s happy, and pregnant.Might not be a bad idea, to keep your distance for awhile, get perspective, and see where that leads you.
Ah yes, I have been the girl in this situation.
The moment I was happy and in love, the ‘friend’ i have known and supported for years started coming out of the woodwork about how he has always been into me but was never ready financially, socially, didn’t realize etc.
Needless to say, I dropped him immediately. The timing was bad and that’s all it could have been. BUT telling me this NOW meant he basically hoped I would dump my guy for him, or just wanted to unload his mind at the expense of my own peace.
Take whatever advice you want from my story
If you think this girl is going to be receptive and you want to do this then you’re not her best friend. It’s as simple as that. Best friends do not try to destroy the other’s happy life just because they have unrequited affection. You’re being very selfish here during a time when her best friend would be supportive only.
You do: nothing.
Stay there. If there’s another break-up, you can tell. But no, you cannot put her through the stress of dropping your own bomb now.
Youve had 10 years. She’s not your best friend, she’s your unrequited love.
Bro, you don’t tell her. Plain and simple. She’s pregnant and getting married dude, it’s way, way too late. Get on Tinder and go on some dates. Only tell her if you want to make it awkward as F after she rejects you.
She’s getting married and having a baby. You are too late. Leave it alone.
You’re too late OP. You should just drop it and not tell her anything specially now that she’s pregnant. I would probably cause her a lot of emotional stress.
She’s not the one, at least right now. Do not tell this pregnant/engaged woman that you’re in love with her.
I think you need to distance yourself. She clearly only sees you as a friend and I think telling her will only help explain why you are distancing yourself. As her friend it would probably be better to bow out and go to just being acquaintances/long distance friends etc.
I mean, I don’t blame the other guy. She’s in a relationship with her boyfriend, not you. This is exactly why people get jealous and suspicious of peoples friends and their intentions. You’re the reason.
And are you certain you’re in love with her or are you worried about losing her for good? Sounds like a kid watching his toy getting played with by someone else and throwing a fit and wants his toy back more than anything despite not playing with it for years. Just to toss it back in the toy bin after getting it back.
Anyway, hope it works out for all of you.
She’s getting married and having a baby. You had ten years. You missed your opportunity.
You missed your chance. Wish her well and move on. Next time decide sooner. You’ll have other chances, get going.
I wouldn’t tell her personally. If she wasn’t pregnant then it may be different, but she is and she might be getting married.
If you don’t tell her then you still stand a chance of continuing the friendship once you’ve dealt with your feelings. If you do then you will not be able to be friends with her. There’s no way she or her bf will allow it.
Give yourself space from her and find someone who can be with you and who loves you back. You deserve nothing less than that.
You don’t do anything, you just continue to live your life and find someone like she did.
ugh move on let people be
Don’t tell her. I would be so mad at a guy friend if he did the to me. It’s so disrespectful to the relationship I’m and to me. It also would your relationship with her. Again I would not be his friend anymore as I would find the relationship inappropriate and guarantee my SO would now officially not want me to hang out with this guy. So don’t do it. You need choose if you can be around her as friend or not. Your friends are giving you bad advice as she’s already in a relationship. I could see if she was single sure but not when she’s in a relationship. I bet they wouldn’t want someone professing their love to their SO. Bad advice.
It would be a huge asshole move to tell her about your feelings now. It’s also an asshole move to decide on her behalf that you have to end the friendship for *her* benefit.
If you need to end it for your own wellbeing now that you’ve had this ‘realization’, then sure, end it. But if it’s about her relationship with her fiance then just tell her you’ll take her lead on how she wants to handle her fiance’s jealousy. Maybe she does want to end your friendship, or maybe she would prefer to keep you in her life and work through her fiance’s jealousy with him. How to balance her relationship and her friendships is her decision, not yours.
Gee I wonder why her bf is jealous of him