I (39F) married my husband (46) 6 years ago. We’ve had a good marriage, no kids and we don’t plan on it. We communicate, we solve our differences well, everything has been great. He has a daughter (20) Aileen from his previous marriage and Alieen and I have a decent relationship. It’s not a mother daughter dynamic but we’re friendly to each other.
My husband was previously married to woman called Holly. He’s told me a lot about her. He really loved her and was devastated when she passed away after a battle with cancer. He met me 5 years after that, and we got married after dating for a year. He would bring her up occasionally, and while I felt a slight insecurity, I always tried to be understanding because of course what happened was tragic. Of course he’d miss her.
I noticed that every year on July 11th, he disappears and doesn’t answer his phone for almost 2 days. He never tells me where he goes and tells me to stop asking about it. I noticed its a pattern because he marked it on his calendar and he never marks anything on his calendar except for this. So when he disappeared this year, I called Aileen and asked where he keeps going. She told me that she and him visit Holly’s grave and spend a day in a cabin in the hills that the three of them used to vacation in together often. To remember her.
When he got back, I told him that I knew where he was going and wasn’t upset about him going at all, it’s perfectly fine. But I wished he’d told me so I could be there for him. He wasn’t in a good mood so he said we’d talk about it later. I brought up the topic again a few hours later and he didn’t want to talk about it, so I just asked him to tell me he’s going next year, so that I wouldn’t worry about where he is. He said I don’t need to know these things and that irked me. I’m trying hard not to feel insecure as the second wife. But he makes it worse. I asked if I can come along next year, to pay my respects and he refused, saying it was disrespectful to her if he brought me along. That’s when I realized he’s drunk. He went on to say that she’d hate me because I’m younger and a brunette (I don’t even understand this) and that I shouldn’t butt into things that don’t concern me. That he still loved her and he couldn’t forget about her. He rambled on about how much he missed her. I asked him if he loved me and he said he did. And then he said he loved me less, that he’d always love her more.
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything after that and he left, and fell asleep. I’m sitting on the couch right now, trying to figure out what to do and I don’t know who to talk to about this. Have I done something wrong? Was this marriage a mistake? Should I just continue to be understanding?
Any advice or input is appreciated, thank you.
TLDR – my husband loves his late exwife more than me, questioning my marriage right now
28 comments
No, I would not continue to be understanding. He just said something entirely devastating to you and you have every right to feel terrible about it. I don’t know if your marriage was a mistake but I suggest counseling asap. I’m
Not sure how you get past a statement like that.
I am so sorry, that’s beyond painful. I couldn’t stay under those circumstances, he pines for her and you’re at best, a companion. You’re in a threesome with a memory, there’s no room for you.
He’s being TOTALLY unfair to you! You’re trying to be understanding and he blows you off. It’s your life as well. You’re his wife and he needs to start acting like it. And if not it might be time to be with someone who values you.
Wow I’m sorry. That’s incredibly hurtful. I agree with other comments here in saying that he’s making you 2nd fiddle in your own marriage.
But also…I dc what his reasons were, if he knows he’s taking a planned trip then he should tell his wife. It’s inexcusable that he just takes off for two days every year and doesn’t tell you where, tells you to not ask about it, and doesn’t text you. Like…no. There’s no reason he can’t say where he’s going and that he’s going to take a phone break while he’s there except for emergencies, etc.
And it sounds like he feels guilty for even being with you but is passing that negativity onto you…which you don’t deserve.
Of course he still loves his late wife. If she hadn’t died, he’d be with her and not you.
That’s the sad reality of dating a widower.
You don’t have to compete with a dead woman, you need to accept that, for two days out of the whole year, you don’t matter.
These two days are all he and his daughter have with his late wife. You are not to be a part of it, it’s theirs.
And while I rationally understand wanting to be informed, I also understand him not wanting to do so, as he doesn’t want you to be involved at all. You know now. Next year, you know where he is and what he’s doing. He doesn’t need to formally inform you.
He sounds like he could use some grief therapy, though.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that he probably didn’t mean what he said. He was drunk and it was around the anniversary of her death. He might feel guilty for moving on with you.
It’s not acceptable for him to take off for two days without telling you, though. I also think maybe it wasn’t the right moment for you to ask to come along with him. He’s private about it to the point of avoiding you entirely. Has he had any therapy or grief counselling?
What I would do is go to him and say something like, “Husband, I want to be here for you. I love you and I know you’re hurting. I wish you could let me in and talk to me about this. It hurts me when you disappear and don’t tell me where you’re going. It hurt me when you said you loved me less. I understand that she has a place in your heart forever, but I need to feel loved and respected in our relationship as well.”
I would rethink this relationship, and that’s based on his silence and blowing up at you.
I’m with you on telling him you respect him and his daughter having an annual tradition, but dodging your calls during isn’t ok. While I would not offer to go with them, he could have simply said “I appreciate your kind offer, but I would like to keep this tradition as solely one I share with my daughter.”
Getting drunk and yelling all this hurtful nonsense is really scary and terrible. If this is reflective of a pattern I would leave. I would say if he doesn’t calm down and apologize soon, maybe start counseling or leave.
My mother and dad loved each other fiercely. After her death he remarried a wonderful woman and not in my wildest imagining can I picture him saying anything this hurtful to her. I would certainly not consider cruelty to be a tribute to my mothers legacy. My mother would have wanted Dad to be happy and never have resented his new wife. Not every widower uses their grief as a weapon. I would move on personally.
>And then he said he loved me less, that he’d always love her more.
Oooooof…yeah, that’s a NO GO for me.
I’m sorry.
I can’t be with someone who’s still hung up on his late partner. Like really hung up to the point, he said what he said and he told you that it was disrespectful to bring you along. WTH. So he probably didn’t honor his marriage to you, so he’s just married you for companionship.
***This relationship has no solid foundation. I understand his loss, but you are just a bed warmer for him on a cold winter night. There is no room for, I love her more and love you less in a marriage. it is all or none. Maybe things happen for a reason, and this is your wake-up call for you to accept this or realize for the last five years this was all a lie and move on. You deserve to be happy!***
I’m going to share a very famous quote with you that I think you will find very meaningful.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”. ~Maya Angelou.
He’s been showing you who he is the entire time.You said so yourself he occasionally brings her up and every year he ghosts for 2 days which you being the current wife I find highly disrespectful to you. He may care for you but he certainly does not love you. You are not in his heart and you are not his soulmate nor the love of his life. Being drunk gave him the liquid courage he needed in order to make that very clear to you.
I’m really sorry for the way that you’re feeling right now and my heart breaks for you because it has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that you give 100% of yourself to the man that you love and in return you get a small piece of him and the rest is reserved for a woman who hasn’t existed for a long time.
Personally I could not stay in a loveless marriage where I am competing with a ghost and I’m always going to end up on the losing end. He’s wasted enough of your time. Go where you are truly loved and celebrated and not tolerate because you make for a good companion and is convenient.
You deserve so much better than what he has to offer you which isn’t very much. Do you really wanna continue in a marriage where you are made to feel insecure and inadequate and made to feel like you can’t quite measure up simply because you are not the first wife?
https://youtu.be/zlJDTxahav0
I couldn’t stay after that. It sucks, and I would normally give widowers the benefits of the doubt, but it’s also your life. but you deserve to be someone’s first choice.
I’ll never love anyone the way I love my late husband. If you’re happy and he’s good to you, let it be enough.
this is so heartbreaking for you 🙁 i’m so sorry OP
The lot of you say things like “he loves you but he is not in love with you” as if people are born with destined partners, and that’s wrong.
OP spoke with him shortly after his yearly time of grieving. Anyone would be on edge when they grieve. Maybe OP’s timing was wrong? OP initiated a sensitive subject not just in a bad timing, but also while he was drunk. Therefore a constructive discussion is of course unlikely to happen.
OP should avoid making it a matter of “me or her”. Of course he loves his late wife (because they didn’t actually separate). It’s the same for every widowed person. No widowed person is actually “not taken”. OP knows that because she pointed out that she respects the life event which led to him becoming single again, which is the death of his first wife. He’ll always love her, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love OP. If OP were in the same position, she would probably have the same stance on the matter. On the other hand there are widows who are very good in moving on and letting go. But then I want to ask OP a question: Would you rather be with someone who “really” moves on from such a life event? Even though life goes on, those who are dead can be among the living as long as they are remembered and cherished. Does OP want to be a passing memory in the span of countable minutes? Or would OP rather be cherished like her man is still honoring the memory of his late wife? OP has a great man. People dream of such dedication, and I am almost sure that this man would treat anyone who is important to him (including OP) with the same intensity.
Every relationship is a matter of companionship and convenience, regardless of the circumstances which led a couple to become a couple, and regardless of the age and past experiences. Don’t let others mediocre your relationship using expressions like (out of convenience, companionship). I even go as far to believe that those people who differentiate between “loving someone” and “being in love with someone”, are usually people with a bit of excessive narcissism, because these people don’t want just someone who adore them, they want to be worshipped, they want the other person’s life to be revolved around them, while leaving them too narrow of a space to breathe.
OP did nothing wrong. She understands and respects her husband’s grief. Just be careful not to buy into the comments with that bit of narcissism I mentioned. Just pick a better timing to discuss the subject, and see what he’ll say. At the same time it’s very understandable why this saddens and breaks you. But don’t forget that he’s a human, just like you. And I wouldn’t want you to accompany them next year. It’s like you’re asking him to put a picture of you in the photo album of his late wife. It’s not your past, it’s his and his daughter’s past.
Y’all need to invest in some couple therapy to get through this issue if this relationship is going to survive — though maybe it shouldn’t, frankly.
He is speaking to you (and treating you) appallingly, and you are likely to build resentment and develop self esteem issues if this continues.
It’s perfectly reasonable for him to have a ritual, but it’s also perfectly reasonable for him to inform his WIFE of where he is going for two days.
He isn’t valuing your very reasonable request or needs and he is insulting you to your face by comparing your to her, and I fear that this may be a ”replacement” marriage to avoid loneliness or have someone “fill the role” rather than a marriage out of love and respect.
I would wait until he is sober and revisit the conversation telling him what he said and how hurt you are. At that point you can make a decision. If you stay, plan your own trip at the same time as his, somewhere you enjoy and spend that time doing what you like maybe arrive back a day later than him.
Not sure anyone should play second fiddle. If he really means what he says, or said it only because he was intoxicated, still a hard pill to swallow. Maybe time apart, would be good for both of you.
Considering you call her the ex wife…when she isn’t… I’m sorry OP but I kinda wonder how you are when she is brought up at all. And you do have to realize that if she wasn’t dead he wouldn’t be wih you? That’s something people marrying a widower need to realize.
I’m sorry, it sounds like he’s not ready to be in a relationship. There is a healthy way to remember and mourn your late wife while being *in* live with your living spouse. This is not that. He is still *in* love with her, or his idea of her, and there isn’t room for you. You can’t compete with a ghost. Ghosts and memories don’t have real-world responsibilities or their own feelings and opinions. Ghosts and memories are always perfect and always agree with him.
He needs therapy, you need to move on.
He wasn’t ready to get get married and he resents you for his own decisions. Maybe it’s time for a separation. It doesn’t have to be a full on divorce just yet, but he need to figure out what he wants.
You can’t compete with a ghost for your husband’s love.
I think he needs therapy. It’s ok for him and his daughter to want a day or two away to honour her but it’s not ok to just disappear for 2 days and ignore you.
It’s also not ok to put you into second place as he is doing. You still matter and should be treated like you matter.
Gosh this is devastating. I know there have been people that remarried that maybe have a different love for a second spouse but for him to outright say it? It sounds like he is using you to fill a hole in his heart. The fact that he wouldn’t just be open and honest about where they go is not right. That’s a great trip for them to do and I understand maybe not wanting to take you so they can remember her together but to leave you in the dark? Unacceptable.
Honestly I think you should cut your losses and leave.
You mentioned he was drunk. That will make people mean and rude. Is the drinking a common occurence?
>Have I done something wrong? Was this marriage a mistake? Should I just continue to be understanding? Any advice or input is appreciated, thank you.
1. Telling your spouse where you are going for two days is normal. I’d bet he never did that to Holly. He doesn’t have to take you. He should 100% tell you. Why didn’t he?
2. Some men don’t like to be lonely. Your husband is one of them. Why do I say this? He married you even knowing that what he felt for you paled in comparison for what he felt for his dead wife. You were interested in him and he liked you well enough to get along with him as long as you didn’t interfere in his relationship with Holly. This may always be what he wants from a marriage and that’s why he never told you. He doesn’t plan on letting you into his life that deeply.
3. He will never be emotionally available to you in the way he was for Holly and now you know that. That would make me feel isolated and unloved. Would you rather have a companion for the future who doesn’t love you and hasn’t a deep emotional commitment to you?
4. What happens when he starts to heal from his past with Holly? If he feels that romantic spark for someone else does he expect to leave you and start up with someone else? I think he will. I think if you were the person he’d love like that, you’d be seen as a threat and never been ask to marry him. He chose you because you don’t threaten his pining for his dead wife.
The only thing you did wrong was marry an asshole too fast. His daughter has more respect for you for Christ sake.
Married a widower. Worst thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did was divorcing him 10 years later. It gets tiresome being in a dead persons shadow.