The first three paragraphs about substance issues in relation to certain people, but the rest onwards is about meeting friends.
I’ve got some substance abuse issues so I’ll warn about that now in case it’s triggering. I’ve been consistently lonely for almost all of my life despite seeming like I’m not, I know a bunch of people and used to interact with people but “friend” is a massive stretch. My boyfriend is basically the only friend (I mean like a partner and a friend) I have. I’ve got some friends that I go out with normally to bars and clubs and stay out all night, my boyfriend has some out with one of my friends before and it was really fun for him, but while he didn’t realize it I was just barely keeping everyone safe, it’s really tough sometimes because when people are intoxicated they just don’t seem to get how pushy they’re being, and I’m such an irresponsible person as it is and it’s hard keeping them safe. People often then apologize for this, and I get it so I say it’s fine and I can handle it, but at the same time that’s not true and I can only deal with it in the moment because I have no other choice and I can’t let them get hurt. That friend I was talking about is much easier to deal with than the other people in that friend group, I barely see, but the other one I do see is a nice guy but he doesn’t understand how extremely difficult he is when he’s drunk especially when he’s feeling lonely.
What he often does when he’s feeling lonely and other people can’t hang out with me, is call me, and ask if I can hang out (basically just drink alcohol with him), and if I say something like “I don’t really think that’s a good idea, I’m not really feeling well and I’m not in the mood”, he’ll just start talking about how only he is and just literally beg me until I say yes. Or he’ll just be so hyped up on account of already being drunk, and he’ll say that like “so by no you mean yes?”, even though he’s joking he still kind of does expect me to hang out with him, and he always does this thing where he calls a taxi to my house. He doesn’t seem to get that the reason I don’t want to hang out isn’t a money thing (although that’d be valid regardless of money, but I do actually have a lot of monetary struggles), so he thinks that if he pays for taxis and expensive cocktails, it’s fine. I have severe difficulties saying no to people unless it’s in a professional setting, and I don’t want to be indebted to him so we don’t go out. This is what always happens, he comes over to my place, due to me not wanting him to spend much money on me, and we just basically sit on the floor propped up against my bed, periodically drinking straight from a bottle of cheap hard liquor, until for some reason I just get super emotional and start ugly crying. Without fail this is what happens and knowing it’ll happen doesn’t help, and he can handle it, he’s surprisingly good with these situations, but I can’t and that’s what he doesn’t get. He doesn’t get that I can’t truly believe he doesn’t judge me, and I always end up feeling guilty and ashamed. Any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated, the guilting (I don’t actually feel guilty but it’s still somehow compelling), along with the “no means yes” bullshit makes it really hard to not give in. I’ve thought about bringing it up with him when we’re both sober and I’ll have to do that, but that genuinely makes me feel guilty, and just generally bad. I also feel pretty guilty because I don’t think my boyfriend would appreciate this, I don’t black out or anything, but it’s still not preferable.
Him and someone else are really the only people I have an alcohol problem with, if I’m with my boyfriend it doesn’t get to the ugly cry level because drinking alcohol with him isn’t copious amounts of hard liquor, which is not only depressing, but also gets me way more drunk.
I’m also having severe difficulties actually meeting people to be friends with. There was three ways I met people in the past, at work, through dating apps, and at bars/clubs. When it comes to former colleagues, even though we all looked somewhat similar to other people, there was an extreme pecking order which I was at the bottom of. They acted like those people in American Psycho comparing business cards, and when your metaphorical business card is the worst, it feels pretty bad. I can’t be around them because they constantly talk down to be, and give pretty hurtful backhanded compliments, especially since I don’t have a job now and my life isn’t glamorous in any way. With dating apps, people understandably normally look for some type of non-platonic relationship, so it’s hard meeting people. Bars/clubs also have a similar problem because of we’re being real, nobody approaches someone in a bar just to be friends. I had a pretty bad habit of always going into some sort of panic mode and thinking someone would leave me if I didn’t immediately want to have sex, at first I wasn’t like that but people tended to be shallow and objectifying, everyone, regardless of gender. That’s not something I’d ever want to do again, and can’t anyway for obvious reasons, but I just can’t seem to meet anyone that doesn’t seem to want something like that. Even in my current friend group we’ve all had at least one non-platonic interaction, in pretty much every combination of people. It feels a bit awkward, and just uncomfortable being around those people all the time especially when my boyfriend is with us, and even though nothing would occur now it’s hard to get out of my head.
Since dating apps (I do still try my luck on BumbleBFF but with limited success, I always seem to never meet with people in person) and bars/clubs are off the table, where else can I meet people? I was thinking of going to my boyfriend’s university or something despite not even studying there, and hoping I’d meet people, but that’s kind of just weird. I know nothing about my boyfriend’s friends, I’ve never met any of them in over a year, and he never mentions anyone. I tried meeting people by joining a sports group, but it was hard actually talking, I’m very awkward, and have no real charisma if I avoid being flattering in a somewhat manipulative way, which I’ve avoided doing for a long time. Without being under the influence to a certain extent it’s hard talking to people I don’t already know. I was thinking of joining a DnD group or something, and I did attend one session, but even though I do like a lot of traditionally “nerdy” things, being enthusiastic makes me nervous and I just don’t fit in like everyone else. Does anyone have any suggestions for this problem of not being able to meet purely platonic friends? I never realized how lonely I’ve been feeling lately now that I don’t seem to be able to offer anything that makes people at least pretend to actually like me.